A
female
age
41-50,
*osalynModica83
writes:Please understand that I love my husband and have not cheated on him.The reason I am asking this is because I feel so conflicted at the moment I need impartial advice.I love my husband. He was my first (not only) lover and when we got married I thought I'd never want another man and my body and soul would love him forever. My soul still does but my body no longer responds. I can not get aroused by my husband anymore. This is very distressing as I love him in every other way. He is my friend and soulmate. We don't have children before anyone gets worried about family. I feel physically sick when we make love but I always make sure that I provide for him in this department. I do not refuse him and as far as he's aware we have a healthy, happy sex life. I have tried everything I can think of to make sex more enjoyable, from role play and dress up, to new locations, and everything inbetween. The only way I can get through sex is to close my eyes and think of a previous lover.Obviously this is not ideal. I do not want to leave my husband as despite the fact that I am no longer attracted to him I do still love him and he is a good kind person. My question is this. If a person still loves their partner, does not wish to abandon them because of sexual reasons, still wishes to provide a sexual relationship for their spouse but gets no pleasure from it themselves, can an affair to service the 1st persons sexual needs ever be justified? I have been thinking about this for some time, my moral compass always tells me that no of course an affair can't be justified, but when my husband and I make love I can barely look at him. I love him so much but have no physical lust for him anymore and I miss enjoyable sex.
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affair, no longer attracted, sex life, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GoingThruASpell  +, writes (29 June 2010):
Been there! I would suggest an open marriage but I am just starting to approach that one myself. Lots of people do it, I just don't know if it is the kind of thing that will help. For me, I feel it is a need to at least try but my husband does not want to see others for sex as I do.
Also keep in mind that having sex with other men most likely will reduce the intimacy you share with your husband -- the touching, kissing and mate bonding totally apart from sex but that keeps you close and connected. You may fall out of synch, and this may cause further distance if not a rift in your relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Tell him how you feel. Just don't have an affair!! It's always wrong... It'd be better to try for an open mariage
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (21 June 2010):
Key word at the end of your post is you have no physical "LUST" for him anymore. To put it plain and simple that is exactly where your problem lies. You have untied sexual pleasure from love. For some reason you have disassociated sex with love. If sex was more about making love then just physical pleasure you would probably enjoy it more even if you didn't orgasm. My advise? Seek counseling from a Godly marriage counselor.
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A
female
reader, MamaLilly  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 If you want to end your relationship, then have an affair. Otherwise, heck no, it can NEVER, EVER be justified. Talk to him, tell HIM what you told us. Maybe see a doctor, low libido is quite common. Don't do anything you can't take back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 No, there is nothing justifying it, because it is not about sex. It is about deceit and betrayal. And it will hurt him a lot more than it could ever pleasure you. Just imagine how you'd feel if he was the one who cheated on you. No excuse or reason would make it hurt less.
If you can not go on like this, you need to talk to him about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Nope, there is no justification for an affair. You have to talk to him and tell him how you feel.
You had to have had physical lust for him at some stage in your relationship you need to find out why that has changed and see if you and he can fix that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): You need to sit him down and have a serious chat.You need to tell him what's going on before he gets blindsided. If you want to expand your sex life with other people you need to tell him that he is free to do the same.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 June 2010):
No. Never. You'll totally screw your marriage up. We had a woman on here before who thought she'd had an affair for sexual reasons. She fell pregnant with her lover's baby. It screwed her marriage up beyond repair, and her lover promptly left her before she had an abortion and screwed her own mind up. This will go wrong. It's not a matter of 'if'. Imagine for one second how your husband will react if he finds out. It will destroy him, pure and simple and everything you've worked for, all that you love and every second you've been together will mean nothing. Plus, your reputation will be left in the gutter. There is a reason you feel this way, and you really both need to sit down and look at your marriage. An affair is in no way the answer, and will cause far more harm than good. This isn't just about morals (for which an affair is wrong). It's also about your life. If this breaks out (and it will, since affairs are now harder to conceal), your life will be ruined. Your husband will leave, and if he's a good guy, will find someone else. You'll always be known as the one who had the affair, and it will leave you tainted.
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