A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently off from work and school so I have been dedicating myself to housework and the kids so I have been more aware of things. Lately my partner has been coming home really late which he randomly starts doing but it imeadiatly sets off the alarms in my head, because I know he drinks. I usually trust him completely without him deserving it but today something just didn't let me sleep. First, he called me on video late from work which he never does. He had a beer with him. He also has been really weird because thursday he wanted sex but he was dreaming and tried to make stuff to me while asleep so I refused. Next day I wait for him to come home which was late, ready to start the lovemaking, I gave head and he fell asleep. Never did anything in response which he Never does, and he normally stays up late doing whatever, so I was kind of moody all day long about this, but tried to stay calm and think about the important stuff in our life: my sweet babies. After all I am not dumb neither born yesterday and when all work in the house was done, babies put to bed, I knew something wasn't right and I had to do the unthinkable: snoop on his phone. I never do this. But it was some weird energy that made me do it because we argued over the fact that for two days, he refused to eat the food that I made for him and it was delicious so I was upset that I had to eat it so it doesn't go bad and I made it with a lot of love. He said that I'm "bothering him" and went to sleep to the sofa without me kicking him out. I went to say that he should come back and he didn't come back to bed. Awkward as hell. First thing I see on his phone is three photos taken from his phone of a girl he used to have sex w -confirmed fact. Standing outside his work. She had a present from his company that is the kind of present "pr" product they give to influencers and he was the one in charge to find the person to give it to. He had been talking about the fact that he needed an influencer for a month or more. I am really sad because on thursday he didn't call me at all and I didn't check on him because I was feeling angry at him for a lot of reasons but I tried to stay away from him so he doesn't perceive how much I am feeling overwhelmed about our relationship. He came home really late that day. I love him but I deserve better. We have a family and I just can't believe he met behind my back with this girl . I can't believe I said this but my heart is shattered. I know he was obsessed because of the "memories" he kept from her but he doesn't follow her. I have casually talked about her before knowing about their history and he once said that he knows her and then the other time he said he doesn't know who she is. And now this, on his phone. I am a mom and I have nowhere to go, a life with him that was hard to build, I lost everything to be with him and we have plans of a trip that is ahead of us and I'm so stupid that I fear that if I leave he will take her with him on this trip which I have looked forward to with him for so long. She has a boyfriend too, so the worst part is that I am assuming that she and my man had sex the day of the photos. I know that they had sex within the first fifteen minutes when they met in the past, there's proof. But about this I can only speculate. What can I do? Do I spy on him when I probably don't want to know. I can't hurt myself more- spying is how I found out about her and them. When it leads to an answer it is devastating. Do I stay quiet for my kids and let the destiny unfold?. I am feeling really sick from learning this, physically ill. Maybe sooner or later God will guide things the way they should go but I need your prayers and advice since I don't know how to survive a separation in this terms. God bless you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2019): Hi, It's me again. I want to take back this question since I can't erase it. I have spoke to him and it seems like my trust issues have got the best of me in this case.
The truth is that the woman contacted the company, it wasn't him.
He says he doesn't even know who she is but, there's footage of them together.
Now, since the woman is the one who contacted the company and he had to take the pictures, I'm letting this pass.
I'm trying to be positive here. Thank you so so much for your help!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2019): Thank you, youcannotbeserious, for your advice. I am so thnakful for this. This situation is hard because there is no evidence that anything went on between both of them, there is only these photos of her. So the best I can do is try to talk to him, but I am still waiting to do that because I am feeling all this bad emotions in the inside and I’m trying to cool off so I don’t make a scene. He doesn’t know That I know what she was to him and he has alibis at work. He has been really working late from what I have found looking through his work related messages, so probably he just met her. What is unbelievable is why did he have to meet her from all the people that he could have set up to receive the Pr package. I’m still sad because of this, it hurts. thank you a lot and blessings to you.
To WiseOwlE, I am so thankfull for you taking your time to help me with your advice and I will clarify that I am not married, my first baby is 5 now so technically not a baby. She has another dad who is in the picture for her but my boyfriend wanted to become her dad and he hates him so much and resents me for being with him in the past before him and for letting him still be in the picture for our daughter. My boyfriend never proposed to me and also I know he wouldn’t adopt my daughter so why would I push her father out of her life, when it seems selfish.
My ex is a really bad person who I would rather not be in her life so she doesn’t become like him but I can’t make that choice for her to block her dad from her life.
My boyfriend has always demonstrated he cares about us and loves us , it’s just that he’s been busier and also, jealous of a lot of random things like when I talk to her dad about her education. I can’t undestand why he is still like a teenager when he is 27, maybe this jealousy is what is making him meet this old hookup at work.
I know for a fact that I too like other guys in my head. I started this because of how hurt I’ve been that he had saved memories of this girl. Just platonically, I fantasize about being single and I know that he is doing the same but it hurts that he meets with his ex hookup while I am at home working on our family and it makes me jealous. I know it could be innocent but the jealousy doesn’t let me see it as it is. I dream about being single but I know I can’t do it. There’s no point when I have almost no help and two kids. Also, I know it’s hard, when I was single at 16 before the pregnancies happened, I was too scared to be alone and out of my low self esteem I got with my first boyfriend who I didn’t even like and he got me pregnant by messing with the condom on purpose so I stay with him. I attract toxic low self esteem people because I am one. It’s so sad.
Everyday as a mom is so exhausting but I will find time to work on my professional life so I have independence, and the only way I get help to take care of baby is from his family. I have saved up something but I need four times that for my kids and just a month of moving out. It’s a great idea to start child support process, I will do it. I’m scared of when they find out because I’m still gonna be here in the house by the time he gets notified. What can I do in this case? How can I explain why I started the process while with him. Of cousrse after thatI have to leave. I don’t have enough money to move alone and the child support here is only for a fraction of the child’s most specific necessities. It’s not fair at all, but it’s the way it is around here.
My mom is the only one of my family who has a relationship with me and she is a busy woman. My father is retired and I talk to him sometimes trying to bond again because I just stopped talking to him of resentment that he never helped me and made things harder. I can’t move back because there’s nowhere to move since I left with him, they don’t have space for me and don’t want me there because they are limited as well. I can’t put this weight on them. My mom doesn’t want me to separate from him , she thinks I have to stay here forever. She says that I’m lucky that the fathers of my babies stick around and want the kids and that I should stay. I too, am scared that another man won’t do the same and love my babies as his own, but I have faith that I can move on from all of this and find a person who is not meeting with his old flame.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2019): When you have kids, every move you make has to be well-thought-out and calculated. I would strongly suggest, at this point in time, that you initiate the legal-steps for child-support. Whatever that requires in your country. I recognize the flag above your post as the Peruvian flag?
No one can tell you how to make him stop.
Boyfriend or husband? Partner is a nonspecific/generic term; and you'll get better answers with being more specific. His behavior tells me he's a boyfriend who became a father before he was man enough.
You said you lost everything for him, but you didn't elaborate on that. I'll just take a wild guess and assume that means you are estranged from your family. They are probably living in another country, or a good distance away. Either that, or pride won't let you admit to them that all their warnings about him were right. Please set the record straight, if I'm way off the mark.
You are 25 or younger, and mentioned you have babies. Assuming they're all his, you probably started having them before you were even 21. You delayed your education, because of pregnancies and chasing after him. You have to attend school only part-time when you can afford it; and when you have the time. It's exhausting for sure! Small kids need a nanny, granny, or a full-time mother. If possible, a stay-home father. If he's your age, all this family-responsibility came too soon for him. Thus, he's behaving like your presence in his life is consequential. Therefore, not fully his preferred-choice. He'd rather be single.
It breaks my heart when young-women come to DC with a story like yours. Having little or nothing good to say about the man they claim to love. Yet they always say they love him. If someone breaks your heart, and is being unfaithful to you; then you should accept the fact they don't love you as much, or none at all. In either case, all is not lost; because you will find someone who will love you. If you believe in God, trust that He will see to that. What matters most is you and the kids right-now. He's watching over you. When you have a ready-made family, it might take a single-mother longer to find a suitable match. Men in modern-times barely want the kids they have, let alone another man's kids. Women should always keep that in-mind when having kids for a boyfriend!
I would suggest that you patch-up any issues you have with your family; because you may need to move back home. It's harder to do that when you have small kids in tow. There's a matter of room, whatever amount of distance you are from your family, and how much strength you have to put the children and yourself first. Women will go through hell with a piece of dirt of a man; just to keep him from another woman. It's dumb, and self-destructive. He's cheating anyway! If he wanted to, he can leave anytime he likes! Kids, or no kids! If he's not your husband. The sad thing is, you can't stop him. You may as well prepare yourself to be on your own; and ready to accept the responsibility of being a single-mother. You can't be an at-home mom, when you have a man who runs around with other women. You have to have your own job and a good exit-plan.
Holding-on to a man who cheats, has no conscience, and treats you like rubbish; is both weak-minded, and painful. The pain is self-inflicted, once you have full-knowledge and proof he is cheating. Being totally at his mercy, financially, is a choice. You'll hold-on until he drains you of all your strength and fortitude. If that happens, how can you be a good mother to your kids?
It's time to think of the babies and yourself. He has already moved his mind outside the family; and has probably only stuck around because of his kids. If that wasn't the case, there would be nothing on his phone. He wouldn't be out late, and he'd spend all of his time with you and his kids. What's the point of going on a trip with him knowing what you know, and being miserable the whole time?
If you are estranged from your family; I would recommend that you pray for God's help to mend any broken connections. If you worship, seek comfort and counseling at your place of worship. You need to speak to wise older-women to counsel and console you. You need to vent your frustrations to someone you can trust, and make a plan. Whether you can face it now or not, you're going to eventually have to let him go; because emotionally, he's already gone.
I will pray for your situation. God is always aware, but He sometimes allows us time to see things for what they are. Meanwhile, He's still looking-out for you and your kids; but you have to make the decision of what's best for you. If he isn't your husband; lacking a legally-recognized commitment by marriage makes it easier for him to just turn-away from his family. It seems the rules are laxed about how men treat women and their kids in all countries; so you have to be careful about the choices you make.
Maybe he feels no real commitment, and that his only connection to you is through the kids. Wanting sex with you is not certain proof of his love, that's strictly a matter of urges. If his heart isn't with and for you; he's just using your body, and likely to leave you with yet one more kid you'll probably end-up raising alone. You've got a tough decision to make.
God bless, comfort, and keep you, sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 August 2019):
 You have a gut instinct for good reason. You need to listen to it when it tells you something is not right. Also, you know your man well enough to know when he is acting "differently", hence why you checked his phone. What you found only confirmed your suspicions.
As you have children, and as it sounds like you want to save this relationship, perhaps the best approach would be conciliatory, rather than to attack. In any case, it sounds like you are terrified to to the latter, so the former may be your ONLY option.
Put the kids to bed, sit him down and ask him what is wrong. You don't need to confess to what you have found. Just say you feel you two are drifting apart. In your shoes I would say something like "I love you more than anything. However, if you have found someone else you would rather be with, then I deserve better. Hard as it will be, I WILL walk away from you and I WILL find someone who deserves me." Hopefully this will be sufficient a wake-up call for him to realize what he stands to lose.
Good luck. Thinking of you.
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