A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I've noticed there are some good aunts and uncles on this site who can throw light onto baffling behaviour! So I've come to you with a question if I may? My partner constantly criticises my parents (to me) on a daily basis for not buying a property (they have always lived in tied accommodation tied to jobs within the Church and the package included a retirement cottage, where they now live). However my partner is bitter that I will not get an inheritance because of this and feels that they should have bought a property so they would have something to leave to their children. My parents inherited some money from their own parents but they said that if they tied this up into a property they would not be able to help anyone out with money as they go along, so instead they have given money to their grandchildren over the years in the form of pocket money and helping out with school uniforms and trips etc . I can see both points of view and whilst it would be nice to inherit some money I don't worry about it endlessly but my partner has digs about it every time we are together, to the point where my sons now find it disrespectful. My parents were a bit neglectful of myself and my sisters when were much younger (we are all in our 40's now) but have to fair extent tried to make it up to us now. My sons agree that my parents could have done more but they do appreciate what efforts have been made over the last few years. Although this might sound trivial it is actually starting to wear away at me a bit because I'm not sure why my partner seems to have more of an issue with it than my actual self, my sisters and my sons. He also has digs at me for not buying my own house sooner but I genuinely could not afford to because I was looking after my sons alone on a small income so I rented a housing association property which I now live in and some of the houses where I live have been bought a few years ago and are now being sold at high profit. I will be in a position to buy within the next couple of years but in the meantime, I have to contend with these comments about how 'stupid' I was to not buy a house years ago etc etc ... I know this is maybe a slightly unusual question but it really gets me down and I find myself justifying and explaining and can never seem to think of the right answer to get him to cut it out. I would really appreciate some insight if anyone has a minute or two to spare (I do realise there are other people on the site with more pressing and traumatic problems). Thank you x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): When my ex partner and I lived together he had a fixation regarding my parents passing away and money that would be left. He had desires to retire early and move lock, stock and barrel to Spain, which was not my wish, therefore, he said he would go on his own. When we split up we had an argument and he turned round and said that he could still get my Fathers money when he died. My stomach is churning at this comment as my parents life is worth more to me than inheritance. His comment lives with me every day and as he is not a nice person I obviously don't see why he should get half or some of my parents inheritance when my Father goes. Can I stop this happening or is he just being nasty again. We were together 18 years, but he was
an emotional, mental and physical bully. Do I need to see my Fathers solicitor re this. Please help!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Your partner just wanted to show off his get rich skills or his money planning abilities .
If he was that smart , he would have been very rich by now.
The problem is ,he could only tell you when events have played out. Anybody could have done that.
It is just an exercise in futility. Those are just empty talks to boost his ego and nothing else.
When someone throws a hot potato at you , throw it back !
Asked him the same questions back.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Well i think your partner is being very unfair making comments about your parents regarding inheritance. It's none of his business, he seems to only be interested in money and lets face it if there was a big inheritance he would gain himself wouldn't he? He sounds very shallow and money motivated.
My mum is in rented accomodation, she won't have anything of value, so what. My husband would never comment on the fact that she has no assets, it would never occur to him to be so mean. Some people provide for their children financially, but some people are not able to because of financial pressures on themselves.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Hi. Your partner is being totally unreasonable, but possibly doesn't realise it. Why not just reply with something like,"OK you've made your point. History can't be changed. Now please don't keep repeating yourself."
Any other time he raises it, just say."We've had that conversation." And don't respond to any dialogue on the matter.
Richard
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I'm going to answer you, but I know that I shouldn't because I'm grieving(lost 8 friends today in drag racing incident) But your boyfriend is totally out of line and needs to cut off from your life. Don't let your age be the reason you stay with this bloke(is that what you say in Britain?) Anyway, he is being no only disrepectful, but he seems controlling and a 'little too concerned about others people's finances'. I too have failed in my life to capitalize on many golden opportunities that have come my way and to this day...I sometimes let opportunities pass me by, because I can't envision them as being successes. No one knew that the housing market in the US would boom as much as it did, but also......no one knew that it would stall as much as it has now! Your parents don't owe you or anybody else anything! You must work for what you want!I have 6 siblings and 9 half siblings(fathers children) they are all mad at me, because I do not give them money to do what they want to do. I'm very rich(80 million US)but I don't just throw money away. I have brought each and everyone of them houses(paid cash) and cars and over $100,000 in furnishings as well as gave them all over $100,000. in untaxed cash as gifts. That is all I was willing to do for them, but they want me to do investments or give them money for lavish parties or trips of to give money to cousins whom are so distant in the blood chain that it is ridiculous. I have not and will not! If they get into financial debt they want me to bail them out, but keep in mind.....I already paid off every single debt they had at one time and brought them homes and cars etc...What more of a blessing could one ask for as adults?I do not owe my siblings or other relatives anything and refuse to be the "cash fountain" they want me to be. If they invite me to a gathering....it's only to be able to try and beg for money or a handout. I made this money thru blood, sweat, tears and many of tireless hours.Your friend has not business making snide remarks or hurtful comments about YOUR parents and their "money", nor has he the right to try and ridicule you about your finances or missed opportunites from the past! What has he accomplished in these years? Does he own multiple houses?does he have stocks in any of the big 100 companies in the world? Don't be an asshole for this guy or let him use you as a sounding board for his failed accomplishments. Kick his ass to the curve and find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Hello q1605 it is the original poster here. I am from the UK so the product placement didn't quite resonate with me straight off, apart from the IBM bit but I get your gist! 3 bed houses in my area were going for about £90.000 in the 1980's and due to the 'housing boom' they were being sold a few years later for 3 times that. Obviously some people cashed in and others lost out with negative equity - it went both ways depending on individual circumstances. I could not afford to buy as was struggling to bring up two children on a low income so I paid low rent for a nice house but I cold not afford to buy it - this is the main thing I have been criticised for. I suppose I concentrated on bringing up the children, being available for them (hence doing a more low pressured and low paid job with flexible working hours) and during this time I went to university and got a degree, which has improved my circumstances, including employment, considerably. Also, I never said I was Bill Gates when I met him!!!! I cannot change the past and of course, if I could turn the clock back there are things I would have done differently, wouldn't we all! However I have brought up the children really well and they have both turned out well and are at university, so it is hurtful that he only points out past 'mistakes'. And No, I don't mind anyone venting their honest opinions about his behaviour, if anything it validates my feelings and gives me the strength to be strong with him. Thanks x
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Your partner is out of bounds here. Even if you were married to him, he has no right to even think about what your parents will leave to you, if anything. I am sorry for the abuse you went through and I think you've really come through it all amazingly well. No point in dwelling on something you can't change and afterall the word forgiveness was created for a reason. You will live longer when you forgive.
What exactally will your partner inherit from his parents? He sounds a little too attached to monetary items for me. That is not what life is all about. I kind of had a similar experience with my ex. When we divorced he thought he should get more of my 401K because his parents had died and didn't leave him much. My parents have the potential to leave me not much but more than his did. Spouses and partners have no right to anything that comes from your family AND they shouldn't even be thinking about it much less talking about it.
If this were my partner I would be having 2nd thoughts about where his priorities are and if they matched mine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Hi All - thanks for your replies. In answer to the question from 'Irish' it is a long story but some of it includes that I was thrown out at 16 with nowhere to go and ended up in an unsuitable abusive relationship, one of my siblings was being bullied by my father and had a nervous breakdown and the other one just does not speak to them. I was working full time including nights and financing my own education during the day when they threw me out because they said I had to sleep at the house every night or not live there, even though I had proof that I was at work and not out and about and using the place as a hotel. There is a long story of them being disinterested and unsupportive although we were not physically abused as such, my father did used to hit us, particularly my sister (the one who is ill) very hard around the head for no apparent reason as he had a firey temper. I did see a psychotherapist and told her the whole story and she said they were 'bonkers'. However I have over the years, worked through it and tried to build a good relationship with them and have tried to get on with them and myself and the children have a good enough relationship with them now and we see that they are making more effort with us. It is my partner who brings it up all the time, I am happy to put it in the past really, where it belongs. Yes I told him about it when we were talking about our past experiences and his advice was to not speak to them anymore but my feeling has always been to try to rebuild the relationship My father came from a very loving family and his own mother was actually appalled at some of his behaviour and she told us so. However I agree we cannot drag these things through life with us and I don't. I sometimes regret talking so freely to my partner about those earlier times because he now brings it all up. He himself bought one house (not in an expensive area) and his ex used to criticise him for not buying a 'better' house and he now refuses to move in with anyone full time because he wants to leave the inheritance of his share of the ex marital home to his own grown up child. I hope this clarifies a bit. I always speak positively about my parents now but he is quick to point out their shortcomings. He was also obsessed with his ex's parents' financial position and resents that they do not give enough money to his own child - his child however says he is simply grateful for whatever they give him at xmas and on birthdays etc ... For about 15 yrs after I split with my children's father, my parents have probably spent thousands of pounds on helping to support them and we do appreciate that. I agree also with Namatjira about only having the right to inherit our genes and yes Irish you are true to say that anything we get is a gift and not owed. I obviously need to get strong with my partner and inform him (I have done this before actually) what my views are and tell him to not mention it any more. Thank you so much for your time it is really generous of you to spend your time writing back to me regarding this. xx
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 well from what i have gathered from this question, your partner is more bitter over the fact that he will not be benefiting from inheritance, and not your welfare. so what if your parents were never in the situation to by property? that is completely their choice, and your partner should not feel the need to constantly put them down for their life choices. alot of people have different opinions on how to spend/save/leave their money, and in your parent's eyes they are doing the right thing by constantly helping out with your sons. if your partner doesn't stop this behaviour, tell him that while you appreciate the fact that he may not agree with their or your behaviour - it is not the most attractive trait in him and contrary to what he may think, is actually doesn't make you feel good to have someone pointing out all the mistakes that you and your family have made. has he got properties scattered all over the country? what gives him the right to act all high and mighty, preaching his greedy and disrespectful opinions on others? if he doesn't cop on, grow up and stop this, then I would seriously consider finding someone who isn't so consumed with your parents.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (16 February 2008):
No one has a right to inherit anything other than genetics.
I have informed my own children that I intend to fritter away their inheritance by my growing old disgracefully. Personally I think it is better to help people as you go along and share in the results of that help, than it is to live frugally and leave a big chunk.
Your partner is being both disrespectful and dishonourable to your parents and the life choices they have made. He has no rights in the matter and if he brings it up again, challenge him to put his money where his mouth is and to make substantial provision for his inheritors before he speaks one more word of criticism about your parents.
It sounds like he is too caught up in the whole money thing and wants your inheritance to give him a comfortable old age. Shame on him.
If he wont shape up tell him to ship out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Apologies, I made an error. Change the following statement:
"Because I truely believe, that elderly parents 'should be regarded as 'owing' something to their kids."
to
"Because I truely believe, that elderly parents 'should not be regarded as 'owing' something to their kids."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Your sons are correct, your partner is being very disrespectful to you and your parents. But firstly, I was struck by something you said. Perhaps we need more clarification. You stated, "My parents were a bit neglectful of myself and my sisters when were much younger (we are all in our 40's now) but have to fair extent tried to make it up to us now."
How sad. So...what did your parents do you, that was neglectful and unfair, in your childhood, hun? Was there some form of horrendous abuse, or something so horrible, you just can't forget? You state it was neglect. That could mean a whole spectrum of circumstances? I asked for clarification because, I think this 'past' family dynamic' is the underlying cause of why you and your siblings adult feel Mom and Dad, owe you something. And...that now, in their golden years, your parents are expected to erase painful events, that they feel responsible for through money?? I'm a parent and I made mistakes, but I did provide a home, a bed and 3 hot meals to my 3 kids. Toss in some love, discipline and you have 'family life'...it's wasn't perfect nor easy, but that's life. We do our best..you know that. In families, we forgive the hurt, we move on into our own lives. So, what did your parents do? Because I truely believe, that elderly parents 'should be regarded as 'owing' something to their kids. They can 'gift' their kids with cash, but why do you all feel you are 'entitled'? If your folks wanted to blow all their hard earned savings and money, on frivolous stuff, that's their right. You all have no say in that. You all are adults. who have matured beyond childhood pain, and are making your own lives and legacies .So I have to ask, have you all 'worked that 'past' family dynamic through with growth, maturity, positivity and understanding. I hope so, because...at ages 40 plus, one good sign of adulthood and maturity is to grow beyond all this and stop using our parents as 'perpertrators' of painful events that cannot be changed.. It's so much healthier for one to let that 'all go' and take a hard look at themselves if they can't.
Now about your partner. If you've told your partner of all this, past family dysfunction, he's doing an interesting piece of work on you. He's working on your emotions and using it to his advantage. You said,
"However my partner is bitter that I will not get an inheritance because of this and feels that they should have bought a property so they would have something to leave to their children."
Bitter? What right does he have to feel bitter? Sheesh! This is none of his business. Plainly, he's stepping out of line here. He's taking some liberties. This is very disrespectful of your partner to do this. Yes, he's with you and in your life, but that does not negate the requirement that he step down and know his place. He is to treat your parents and other family with respect and uphold his own integrity, as a supportive, partner 'only' to you. His focus is you, not the financial affairs of your parents. So why does he feel bitter? It seems to me that he appears to be excited at the potential cash flow that will benefit his life, when 'your' Mom and Dad pass on. So you need to set a boundary here with him. One simple thing...stop justifying and explaining things to him, hun. I would go so far, as to tell you to say to him, "the personal, financial affairs of my parents is now closed for discussion-it is none of our business". End of it.
And you and your siblings need to know one important thing here. Any inheritance you recieve from a family member after they die is a 'gift' not an obligagtion nor an entitlement. And stop thinking of all of yourselves as 'victims' of Mom/Dad's past neglect. You've grown up and should be well beyond that. They were parents, who likely made poor, crappy decisions. and you all felt hurt, in the past. What you take from all that, is move on from all that and into the future...ensuring you don't make the same mistakes they made. It's time to let go and lead a happy, life without 'expecting' the pot of gold. as compensation for their poor parenting. Forgive and go on. If you recieve something, when your parents die, just be gracious and thankful, they thought of all of you. But remember ...we never think of family 'as 'owing us something'...anything we recieve from others is a blessing and done out of love. So just stop expecting and appreciate the gift of family love. And tell your greedy partner to 'back off'...you have a right to do that.
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