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*ELLULAH
writes:All,Can I ask your advice on something?.I have been with my partner for a couple of years. He has two grown up children, only one lives at home though. He has just sold his house and is buying his ex a new one (alright for some). My problem is he is constantly doing things for her and the kids, causing rows between us. He says it is not really for her but for his kids, but she is the one that benifits and wont move on. I have my doubts as to whether he wants to go back to her, and his kids. I am now in the situation as to whether I either like it or lump it.I have told him to go back and make a go of it if he can, but I will never have him back if it doesn't. He says he loves me and doesn't want to go, but I feel he is pushing me into throwing him out. He says I dont trust him, and that its all in my mind, and nothing is going on.BUT when he had been left for a couple of months he slept with her behind my back. Thats why I find It hard to trust him again.I do really love him, but im so jelous and its tearing me up. His EX is loving every minute of it all.What should I do? at first we were so happy, we never had a cross word, but now,I am driving us both mad.I wish I could trust him 100% but I have never been able to trust a man. They have always let me down.I want us to be back where we were, or not be together at all. He is just such a coward, I would never really know what he thinks. Its really making me feel ill.Please help.
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reader, elsie +, writes (28 March 2007):
 you will get stronger. it takes a bloody long time for some of us girlies but most of us get there in the end.it so nice to hear how strong you are starting to feel.it must be utterly devastating to have the fact he slept with her in the back of your mind.the fact hes still visits he must think hes got it made.dont be his backdrop anymore.you go for it.well done.
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (26 March 2007):
TELLULAH is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for the reply's.
I have decided there is only so much you can take, and although I support him in looking after his children, I will not take anymore cr**. I love him dearly, but the next I have of any hint he is up to no good, I will end it. I have told him that I should come a very close second to his kids, like he does to mine. It has ended with his ex, as they were not happy. Even if she does not want to move on, it ended for a good reason. If he doesnt start to make me feel secure, I will leave him. I know I am worth more, than being treated like dirt.
Anyway thanks again, your words of wisdom, are very much appreciated. XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): Jamitri is right about some of the things that he says BUT i wouldn't put up with that cr*p!. I'm sorry to hear of the sh*t that you are going through but when he cheated i would of ditched him there and then. He is providing a home for her and his kids, and you have to be ok with that, er no. She is quite capable of providing that herself! I had to sort stuff out like that on my own. Tellulah you deserve better, and you know it, why are you settling for less????
You need to have a good long chat with him and point out that you are not happy with the situation and it had better improve or you want him out of your life for good. Tell him to get lost and sort out your life from here on!!!
Take care Tellulah and keep in touch, if you want
xx
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female
reader, elsie +, writes (23 March 2007):
hi there ive just read through your question one worrying aspect is the fact his kids are grown up.i think it would be alot more understandable if the were younger.they are probably pretty much off hand so why so much involvement with her?suggest to him that he brings them to where you both live.couldnt he at least meet up with them to spare your feeling some of the time?have you ever seen or spoken to her?im in a very similar situation as you and it makes you sick to the stomach.its very hard to rationalise about them being a good dad when the ex is so involved.you feel like they are split in two.same as you my guys ex hasnt moved on and its been over 12yrs.try and discuss the issue of maybe him bringing them over or meeting them out of the house more often.that would go along way to helping your feelings.at least youve got that option.by the way i think its rubbish that the more you accuse someone of cheating the may as well do it?utter rubbish.if you accuse them of bank robbery can you brainwash them into doing it?no.theyve made you feel worried all ready without doing the deed.what sort of conscious would that person need if they think ho hey i may aswell just do it.well anyway wishing you all the luck.let us know how you get on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): Hey Tellulah! I can understand what youre going through. Im a man and can see something of what he may be going through aswell so I can look at it from both perspectives. You say he slept with her behind your back when he was away for two months?!
I take it that this was during your relationship and not when you have been on a 'break' or forced him back to her ?
I really do feel sorry for you that you cant trust him and if he has cheated then it makes it 100 per cent harder to trust the same person again.
In my experience, when you dont trust someone, you give them a hard time, the third degree, twenty questions, and to top it off you try to convince them that they dont want to be with you. You tell them that they arent interested. You say things like, "You dont love me", etc.
This only seems to make that person feel as though they are already being accused of cheating and so to actually go through with the act, wont change the way you treat them. Does that make sense? If you make him feel like a cheater then he will eventually become one.
It must be SO hard when you see him invest money and time into his ex's household which could be spent on the two of you. I can see that its awkward for him too, because, he is a father and he has a responsibility to his children.
He wants to be with you or he wouldnt be with you, surely? You should take some comfort from him wanting the best for his children and is showing signs that he is a good father and dependable. Someone who wants to see them grow up.
Things didnt work out between them or they would still be together. Try and not lest past let downs and bad relationships taint your views on your current one. This will just invite a recurring pattern and you'll end up blaming yourself for this one not working out.
I'm a big believer in communication. It is sometimes very hard for some couples to properly talk to each other, you know, a real sit down, just the two of you, maybe a glass of wine, some peace and quiet and summarise what you are feeling, taking turns and not speaking over one another, listen intently and believe what is being said to you because you have to start believing each other and listening to each others needs.
I personally want you to be as happy in life as you can be! Dont make yourself ill over anyone. Its not worth it. Im sure that you can give it your best shot, be loving and supportive as it cant be easy for him either in some ways. Always remember that men are sometimes blind to how their actions affect their partners.
Let me know if I can offer any more , Im on this bloody pc all the time these days getting over my ex and always willing to try and help if i can.
Best wishes, take care,
J
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