A
female
age
51-59,
*indy1
writes:I've been in a relationship for 3.5 years and living together for 2.5. I've just been dumped and I am devastated ! For months we've been arguing about money and a lack of quality time together...he has four children from a previous marriage and I work away a lot. Recently i'd been feeling quite low and stressed and taken it out on him. Now he is saying he has had enough of my moods and wants to end the relationship. He wants me to move out and I'm so upset. I don't want the relationship to end but no matter what I say and how sorry I am for being grumpy and making him unhappy he seems unmoved. He says there's no one else and I believe him but he has lost weight recently and seems like he has a new confidence. I'm worried he has emotionally moved on from us already. I don't want to leave our life together and am scared at the thought of starting again at 41 ! How can I change his mind and persuade him to try again ??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): You CAN change his mind. I'm talking from a personnal experience. I had a GF who would sense my moods very well and always try to come up with something rewarding if I started to hesitate. This sole attitude made me respect her a lot. Now the problem is that probably you've been going on like that for some time. No judgement here, just that probably means your apologies are worth null, because you've used them. Try coming up with something else, something new. I'm not talking about the proverbial blowjob, but short of it. Very short. You're 41, so I don't think it hurts your dignity (and I myself have done worse things to stay in a relationship, I'm a man)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): Posts like yours is the reason DC is a good forum. Not only do we give advice, but we learn from those who post to us.
I remind people in relationships all the time, that people will tire of putting up with arguing and complaining. Arguments happen frequently to people who don't know how to communicate. If all you do is complain, no one wants to listen. If all you do is tell a person they're doing everything wrong, they figure why bother. They don't like what you do, and you never fix it. So why bother?
I hear a lot of people saying there is no affection in the relationship, or their sex-lives are declining or non-existent. You have to watch how you treat people and mind what hurtful words come from your mouth in anger.
You don't have to pounce on every mistake they make, and when all they see is a frown on your face; it's pretty hard to want to have sex with a mean grumpy person who never seems happy about anything.
People often say they can't leave or breakup; because they love him/her so much. Well, what if can't fix them?
No, that's not the reason you can't breakup.
Alone, you have no one to listen to the complaining or to blame for your unhappiness. There is no one there to criticize but yourself. So you're forced to look at yourself and introspect. We fear loneliness; because it forces us to face how badly we may have treated someone else. How inflexible and demanding we may have been. How little we offered in return, for demanding so much. How much we wanted, when we had very little to give.
I hear a lot of people say they have trouble with anxiety and depression. You might think there isn't a happy soul on the planet. Everyone is depressed. Everyone is bothered by porn, everyone doesn't get return messages or calls, or they complain their bodies aren't perfect enough. Well, sorry. People just get fed-up and decide enough is enough. They have to leave you to deal with your own demons; because they have to see sunshine and smell the roses. Not listen to the miseries of people who only need a mate to pile all their crap on; or compensate for their weaknesses. Not saying that is your problem and your breakup is all your fault; but it is a part of your problem. This is what should be considered closure. Just realizing it didn't work.
It doesn't mean it never will. It just requires the right person for you to make it work.
We live in an ungrateful society, with a very strong sense of entitlement. Too many of us want life to be like in the movies and what they read in novels. They forget what is real; and what is fictional, imaginary, or virtual. They take out all their frustrations and unhappiness on the person they are supposed to love. Because that person cannot provide a fairytale romance, or keep happiness pouring in by the loads.
Well, such is life. We end a chapter and start another.
Sometimes happiness is waiting. We just have to realize that joy sometimes comes in small doses and at unexpected times. It doesn't last forever, and throwing tantrums when you can't always have it your way will keep you lonely. It's easy to blame it on all men, or all women. It's harder to own some of the blame.
Your moodiness pushed your boyfriend right out of your life. Now he's important to you, once he wants to leave you.
You couldn't find anything good to say before; now there's nothing so wrong you can let him go? Wow!
You're only 41. Life can start over at any point you have to. We adapt and do what is necessary to survive. Maybe men will not come knocking at your door begging to date you; but there will always be someone out there for you. You need to work on what has brought you so much unhappiness that you couldn't even feel blessed for the small things.
We all have money issues; but as long as we have food, shelter, a job, and someone to love us. We are blessed.
If he moves on. Your life hasn't ended, it just begins over without him. He didn't make you happy, and you didn't make him happy. It hurts to be rejected and loneliness is uncomfortable; but you will survive. Now you have time to work on yourself, spoil yourself, and direct your energies toward finding your happiness. He couldn't do it. It wasn't his job anyway. He was there to share life, not to create happiness for you. That is a heavy demand to place on another person.
Now you're more unhappy. I'm very sorry for the loss and grief you feel. It will pass, because once all the pain has healed, you take a deep breath and decide you have go on.
Don't try to convince him to stay. Let him go and take some time dealing with your on life; and doing something other than hating life and being angry. You don't need a man to be happy. You had one and you weren't. So there must be something true to that.
People argue because they can't find a solution to a problem, or compromise in order to agree. Agreeing to disagree is a cope-out. If you don't agree, it's because you don't want to understand the other person's point of view. Not because they are wrong.
Usually it is because our egos insists that we force them to believe that we are right all the time. So, if you're always right, they are always lazy, unromantic, mean, abusive, smelly, and have bad breath, and always leave dirty socks lying around. Then they should go and leave you to find someone who you don't have to disagree with, and always picks up their socks. "Yourself!"
Figure-out what really makes you unhappy. Making him stay won't. He doesn't want to for a reason.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): "How can I change his mind and persuade him to try again ??"
You can't.
He's told you he's had enough and you need to take him at his word. Actions have consequences; you took your moods out on him and he reacted accordingly.
He has the right to enjoy peace in his own home and he has surmised (correctly, I'd say) that the way to achieve that goal is to remove you from it. If you are a legal stranger (no relation by marriage, blood or adoption) staying as a guest in his home then you have no recourse but comply with his reasonable request to move out.
"I'm worried he has emotionally moved on from us already."
He isn't.
"I don't want to leave our life together . . ."
Unfortunately for you he disagrees with you and his is the only opinion that counts.
". . . and am scared at the thought of starting again at 41 !"
You don't seem to be considering or respectful of his feelings at all, your only concern seems to be how inconvenient this situation is for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): He wasn't happy, and it seems as if you weren't either. So what are you trying to salvage?
You appear to be incompatible. I realize you're afraid, but that's not a good reason to stay with someone.
I know my words are lost on you so I'll answer your question as you asked it. The best way to convince him not to end things is to stop trying to convince him not to end things. The more you try,the more he will rebel and grow to dislike you.
Embrace the break up, stop acting like you'll be perfect and you've changed (he knows you won't), and just go about your life and live it to the fullest.
With luck, he'll see you've changed. I mean SEE, not your hollow promises.
If he doesn't its okay, you'll be in your wsy toward getting o ver him.
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