A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both in our early thirties. We've been together nearly two years. We both would love to buy a house, get married and start a family. However, we both started out late in our careers. We lived together for a year, but recently moved home to our parents houses separately to clear any debts and start saving for a house because rent is getting too high. I earn an OKish salary but he is self employed and not earning as much. I have told him that a ring is not important or need be expensive at all and we plan on eloping and just having a small celebratory party afterwards. However, he told me recently that he wants to give me a beautiful ring that I deserve and a wedding day I dream of. I've managed to convince him that IF he must buy me a diamond ring - I would be more than happy with a moissanite. For multiple reasons! I don't wear much jewelry and conflict diamonds that don't hold their value and nobody knows the difference anyway ;-)I'm just wondering how one gets over the disappointment of not being able to do all the things you want now for a few years! We plan to save as much as possible to buy a house next year but I'm worried that it will be much longer than that. I know it's a silly thing, we are lucky to have jobs and parents who allow us to live with them and save up! But being in my early thirties, I don't want to leave it too late - he knows this too! It's just so frustrating!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2014): By enjoying and relishing your last few months/years of freedom.
I'm in a sort of similar situation, married with an awesome wife, both financially secure but I want kids now and she doesn't.
I'm mid-30's and she's 9 years younger so she wants to enjoy us being just a couple for a while longer before we dedicate our time, effort and lives to raising kids. I'm 100% okay with her decision of course, it's her body that our spawn will gestate in and of course kids have to be a mutual choice. Being okay with it doesn't make seeing toddlers running around being adorable and sweet any less of a reminder of how I'd love my own so I balance that by making the most of my freedom and relishing the time I have that's not going to be interrupted by a needy kid throwing tantrums, or by the constant parental anxieties of doing the best by them and keeping them safe.
My point is, OP, you may be ready right now but it's not possible right now so accept you'll yearn for these things to happen knowing that they will by making the most of being a free woman whose only responsibility right now is as a girlfriend and employee, because once this all happens there'll be no going back and you will miss it.
I don't know any parents who wouldn't give anything to be free again for just a week and I don't mean free of their children that they love, free of being a parent and having that innate worry, responsibility of having a household to run and pay for.
So my advice OP is to realise what you have now is great and cherish it while you can, you'll get what you want sooner than you think, and if you can look to your freedom now as a blessing the time will fly too. You only have so many hangovers left where you don't have to get up at 7am to make a hyperactive child breakfast and watch that annoying colourful, loud TV show they love that plays the same songs over and over. There's no greater torture!
Also I think he has his priorities wrong as regards the ring and wedding. Your financial means are such that you can either save for a great wedding day and ring, or save for a great marriage. You should choose the marriage. You can always renew your vows in the future and you can always buy a beautiful ring in the future too. It's just a symbol, it's the life you build that matters.
You said it yourself, you don't wear jewellery and what's important to you is that you get to be that married couple. So make your feelings clear, tell him to hold off on the big wedding and amazing ring that you can have a lovely small ceremony with the best people in your lives and in the future you can have the ceremony you always dreamed of and even better you'll have kids then that can be a part of it.
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