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My partner has had a lot of lovers- why does this bother me so much?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2011) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 June 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi

Ive been with my partner quite a while now, and things are great. However at some point we talked about past partners.

I was surprised to find that at 43 she has had 28 previous partners, 5 of them "one nighters" (although she had hoped something would come from them), 2 of them married guys...

Ive had 8 partners myself - all in long term relationships. I like to court before things get intimate.

The logical part of me knows that it doesnt matter in the slightest what has happened in the past, yet for some reason i find this tough to handle?. Especially as she has occasional contact with one or two of these guys.

It feels as if her having had sex where theres no real feelings involved.. cheapens what we do if that makes sense?.

I havent expressed that it bothers me, and know i need to get it out my head if we are to be happy, i just dont understand why it bothers me?.

Am i strange? or do other guys find this hard to deal with?

Thanks

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

As a person who is divorced from a woman who had about as many partners prior to me as yours did (by age 20) I would say you are completely justified in being bothered by this. And I would add, that it is a warning sign. Everyone is capable of change. However, I'd be highly skeptical of it. Sorry, I'm cynical about this, but that's my experience.

Good Luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011):

Welcome to modern life. Being a normal, healthy, morally minded man is considered a symptom of a psychological problem.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011):

I dont think you're the only guy who would feel this way about this situation.

Having sex with no emotions attached is a very comon thing now.

The number of partners one has had may not change who the persone is.

The thing that matters is her loyalty and the relationship you have with her now.

Her past is what made her who she is today and if you love her the way she is now, then don't feel insecure about her past.

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A female reader, Fate100percent United Kingdom +, writes (31 May 2011):

I don't think you're strange, but I think perhaps she has confused sex with feelings (you said 5 of them were one nighters though she hoped something would come from them).

Some women have sex, confusing it with love, or that it will lead to love (I mean she is probably not happy with her one night stands, but felt an instant attraction to them and (against her better judgement) slept with them and hoped it would lead to a relationship.

Personally, I've never had a one night stand, but I do fall in love very easily, and can see she just got carried away hoping for more. Some guys tend to be easily able to have sex with no emotional attachment, I don't think most women are the same.

The past is the PAST...and we can't change it unfortunately, so if you guys are happy, just let it lie and move on and enjoy your relationship :-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011):

A lot of guys post on this issue, women do as well. In studies they find that men and women both lie about their sexual history with women on average under-reporting numbers and men on average over-reporting.

Read this

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/110-guys-before-me.html

And a few others like it.

"her having had sex where theres no real feelings involved.. cheapens what we do"

No, it doesn't cheapen what you do, it cheapens what she did to the point of it being meaningless.

Meaningless sex is just that, meaningless. But, underlying a lot of meaningless sex is a lot of other stuff that isn't meaningless. If you are having a hard time with this, counseling can help, couples counseling that is.

"it doesnt matter in the slightest what has happened in the past"

It does matter, because it clouds the present and can bring up issue in the future.

Affairs with married guys indicates a poor attitude toward the institution of marriage itself, and a poor self esteem with need for reinforcement to the point where you have sex with married people so that you feel better about yourself as in "he likes me more than his wife so I must be better than her" sort of thing.

There is one thing that you need to keep in mind. This is very important. You have been with her for "quite a while", I'm going to assume that means "years". If that is true, then there is something rather special about you in her mind and her life. Particularly if your relationship is the longest lasting one she has had. Now, if "quite a while" is less than a year, then that's another issue altogether, and you just don't know yet.

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