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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a relationship for over 15 years. Right from the start my life has been dictated to either directly or indirectly by his family. I am not allowed to enjoy anything that I used to love passionately (I still love, but scared to try and enjoy again as he'd make my life miserable), not even have friends or a gathering with others without him making a mockery of me. Behind my back he lies about me. When I confront him, he either tells me he's scared of losing me, or, just puts up an argument and avoids the subject, creating an argument that has got nothing to do with the subject. He has got others convinced that he is a saint and that I am evil, nasty and mean (as he goes out and leaves me behind, which I prefer, because if I do join him, he just embarrasses me in public)like riduculing me, paying more attention to others, or pretends I'm just a friend). I have been assulted many times over the years although it has reduced significantly. I just feel angry all the time, or just want to cry. We have a property and assets together. I am afraid to start all over again, financially, alone. When I was young and strong mentally, people used to call me 'giggle pops', I used to be active and happy. Now I am apprehensive to do anything that I enjoy as he wrecks everything. He has got to members of my family, and the few friends that I have left, they seem to look up to him, and look down on me, he's obviously crapped to them. He seems happy if I'm doing nothing and am miserable, but when I remark how miserable I am, he says that it's not his fault if I want to sit around feeling sorry for something that he can't do anything about, although when I do bring up issues, it changes to himself, another subject, or a violent argument.The only thing that keeps me sane is my job, and the people that I work with, but I keep it secret about my personal life. I am in a new job where he has not met my colleagues. I am in a senior position so need to try and hold some sort of integrity with my staff (again). In every other job where my husband meets my fellow workers he makes up incredible stories about me, and turns me into a laughing stock, where as before he met them I was looked up upon. We're about to have a management Christmas get together, and am so uptight about it. Is there something about this personality that I can help for us? I want to leave, although I love him so much and can't, he's threatened to have me dealt with by others if I do. He is different from others, he can be amazing and behind closed doors he's a physical and psychological demon. I'm sorry this is so long, I cannot find a way to shorten this story so that you can see the 'big picture'.
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (20 November 2005):
 You poor thing, if i was you i would get my hat and coat and run for the hills.You must get out of this relationship now,this man ia a control freak,he is jealous of your happy go lucky attitude that you once had.This man does not respect you,he doesnt love you he is just plain evil.Why are you settling for second best,you know its not right otherwise you wouldnt be writing in.Get away from this bastard now,i wont make allowances for him,he is just pathetic.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): You deserve so much better than that. He is someone who makes himself feel better by bringing you down. It will be somewhat difficult moving out on your own (I know from experience). But you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): That was a hurtful read, I am very sorry. I can understand how you feel towards him, that you 'love' him even though he hurts you so much. But you have to consider if this is mostly because you have grown so attached and dependent on him, as is exactly what he wants of course. You say you have little or no contact with friends? If so that means he is your only 'reality check' and can more or less decide for you how you look at yourself. It is no wonder you have gotten nervous and have trouble seeing yourself alone, he's almost convinced you that you cant make it.
I'm not sure what my advice should be, that you have to get out of it is beyond doubt. But how to find the courage, and how to actually do it, is quite another matter. Do you have _any_ close friend you can confide in? Someone from your past that you trust perhaps? Arrange a meeting with this person(s) if possible and ask them what to do. Maybe you can live with relatives for a while? That you have to get out there is no question about, this will get worse and worse as it goes. Control needs such as the one he is demonstrating do not get fulfilled, he will only want more and more. Get out before its to late. Good luck to you, I think you have it in you to succeed, you seem to have quite the strong character hidden somewhere inside :)
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (19 November 2005):
 Oh my God, my heart goes out to you, this is as destructive a relationship as i have ever read about. I can tell you for a fact this other person in your life does not love you. None of his actions are about love, they are about control, which he has 100% of, and is unwilling to let go of any of it.
You are going to have to make one of the hardest decisions in your life and remove this person from it. It will be very very difficult, but i feel you will never be happy again if you dont. In fact it is more likely that you will become even more miserable, he will lose more respect for you, etc, its a fairly steep downward spiral your relationship is on.
Oh, and 'Have you dealt with'? My god how can you consider staying with someone as your life partner if he has threatened you with this? This relationship will destroy you, it is going to get worse before it gets better. You need to call on all your family and friends and do what you heart is telling you, but your brain is afraid to do.
I am sorry to be so dramatic, but you REALLY do need to get out of this relationship. There will be consequences, but i would imagine they are the lesser of two evils.
Best of luck.
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