A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How best do I sort the storm I feel I’m stuck in? I've been involved in a very strained on-again off-again relationship for nearly nine years. We have children together and I've also endured a miscarriage (as a result of a beating) to this man. He's had multiple affairs, brought home a lot of STD’s, beats me because he's feeling guilty of sleeping with other women, accuses me of having affairs, abandoned his responsibilities as a parent, puts the blame of how his life’s turned out on me and spread lies about me so then he can keep me and what he's doing/people he keeps company with separated. The list goes on. He's in jail (because he attacked me again) and now I’m tired, stressed, and caught up in a lot of hurt. I'm tired of the drama and have asked him so many times to let me go. Just as I'm getting my life back on track, he gets all abusive and things become chaotic again to the point where I fear for my safety (even when he's in jail he gets his little minions to carry out the fear for him). He hasn’t directly hurt our kids but he doesn’t realize all of what he does to me has affected our kids. I've tried to get help from the authorities and everything, but because he's involved in a syndicate of not very nice men...the authorities pressure me for information on his and his mate’s activities. Because of my further fears of upsetting more people and possibly being hurt or killed by these men. I don’t go to the authorities for help. I've also been intimidated by the authorities by being told if I don’t provide them with information, they'll have my kids taken from me. I don’t even have the support of my own family because I won’t do as the authorities have asked of me. I can’t even move overseas (which is what I desperately want to do) because I've been summoned to court (because of this guy) and I was told if I leave and try to come back in the country a warrant for my arrest will be issued, and on arrival, I'll be arrested. I’m really exhausted and I’m trying to do the best by my kids. What do I do about their dad, the authorities, and my family???
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affair, cheated on me, in jail, std Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): if he's in jail then now is the perfect time to file for divorce as you will easiliy get custody of your kids and if you file while he is inside he can't find out where you are. find someone else. if you still love him think who you love more.... you wife-beater of a husband or your innocent children who are caught up in the middle of it..... id say your children.
i know it is not easy in these hard times but get any friends you have to help you GET A PROPER LAWYER. someone who can represent you and speak on your behalf. if they hassle you for info on this syndicate say you want protection from the state.
i know its hard but you gotta fight through it
I wish you all the best.... do it for your kids
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Because he is in prison due to hurting you, you should be able to get a restraining order to stop him contacting you. There must be help out there - see your solicitor and get advice. There are also Women's groups who help and advice people like you. You say you have asked him to let you go. It is the other way around - you must get rid of him. It is the mindset that is important here. You deserve a better life and so do your children. Look for professional help while he is in prison so that when he comes out you can be free of him and have the support of the law. Please do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I think you need advice from lawyers. This is too big and too complicated to deal with on your own. You are being threatened from every direction. I agree with the other post - Womens Refuge (we have Womens Aid here in the UK) is your first contact point. These organisations can offer you proper protection for as long as you need to get your life back on track and they have a wealth of knowledge about the legal aspect. Do not hesitate. Show your children what life should be about - dignity, self-respect and progress. There is always, always a solution.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here!  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 WOW! This sound like a scary movie! SMH! It’s like being between a rock and a hard place. Well, I would go under a witness protection program and get him and his bully buddies locked up! You said if you left your country you would be arrested if you return…My thoughts on that are; DON’T RETURN! A warrant vs. Your life? I choose my life. I wish you well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I would consult a legal aid lawyer and see what is the best way to get out of this situation with the least harm for you and your children. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): what an awful situation!! I'm sorry I'm at a loss , but here's some suggestions, don't know how realistic these are:
1. If you cooperate with the authorities, will they provide you with protection from your husband's associates?
2. You say that if you don't cooperate with the authorities they will take your kids from you. I hate to say this, but do you think that maybe it would be better if they took your kids, just so you can concentrate fully on getting YOURSELF out of this mess without also having to worry about your kids? Would your kids be safer if they were not with you, if you're on your husband's people's hit list??? I mean, what if they got caught in crossfire intended for you??
3. If you leave the country and try to come back a warrant for your arrest will be issued. So...leave the country (with your kids) and DON'T COME BACK. Just start over in a new country, change your name, change your identity, change your looks...many people seeking political asylum do just this, you can too!!
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 This is truly terrible. You may or may not want to go visit this poor excuse for a human being in jail if you have visible marks from your beatings. Let the other inmates see you with him like this and they might just take care of the problem for you. It happens.I would cooperate fully with the authorities in exchange for protection, employment and housing contacts.By family do you mean your children? Or do you mean your parents, siblings, cousins etc.? If by family you mean extended family I would speak directly and frankly with the head of your family. Tell them briefly your history with this jack ass, your plan of action (leaving, employment, housing) and ask for their support for your success. I've helped my siblings out at various times and this is what 'family' does for each other.I sincerely wish you the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Im so sorry to hear this. But This is so terrible. You shouldn't even have to be dealing with all of that. Well you should just forget about him and leave with your kids away from him. Get a good lawyer that can put a stop to this. If your family doesn't want to be on your side screw them. You have to be strong! Don't let your kids suffer. They're probably already scared thanks to their so called "dad". Good luck! Be STRONG andHave FAITH!
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