A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please can you help me, i have just found out my partner is on a forces penpal site. We have been together 3 years and lived together for 1 year, a friend of mine saw him on there and it says he is single, i asked him why he is on there and he said its a ego boost for him, i told him how hurt i am and he said we are over as we dont get on any more, but it was only yesterday we talked about our future and having a baby, why is he being like this i think he is in the wrong being on there but he has turned it all round on me and has ended our relationship. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): Some people have really bad conflict-resolution skills, don't know how to handle escalating emotions and conflict so their solution is to just terminate the relationship when the other person has a grievance. People do this all the time, not just in romantic relationships but also in working relationships. for example you may be working with someone on a project at work, there is a big disagreement and your coworker gets flustered and just calls the whole thing off or quits the project rather than staying to work things out and complete the project with you.
so one reason your bf broke up with you could be because he is this kind of person. You called him out on bad behavior, and his response is to freak out, not know how to resolve it or work it out and instead call the whole relationship off.
Another possible reason is that he was never sincere when he was discussing marriage and kids with you. he was playing along the whole time because just talking about it doesn't make it so. Words are cheap especially if you're talking about something in the far out vague future that it has no consequence for today. Let's say you never found out about his dating site activities so you carry on in blissful ignorance talking with him about marriage and kids. Then when you actually want to get married like, in the near future, you find he now has all these excuses for why he doesn't want to get married yet.
I think you should count your lucky stars that this happened now instead of the above scenario which would have wasted a lot more of your time. if he was on a dating site that means he already mentally had one foot out the door for who knows how long, he just was hiding it by going along with talking a future together cos it's easier and less work than initiating a break up because breakups are always messy so maybe he just wasn't in the mood to deal with that. but then once you caught him out so he had no choice but to deal with a mess anyway then he finally felt well might as well break up now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): "My partner ended things but just the day before we talked about out future?"
What exactly are you asking? You talked about your future and the next day he ended things. That's not a question, that's his answer: you have no future together. That's why he's now your ex-partner.
"only yesterday we talked about our future and having a baby, why is he being like this"
Because after you talked about your future and having a baby, he came to the conclusion he really doesn't want a future or a baby with you. That's why he was on a penpal website before he did the right thing for the both of you by making a clean break.
Why do you still want a guy who doesn't want you and is looking to meet other women?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 January 2012):
 Its a typical tactic when someone gets caught doing something they probably shouldn't.
Perhaps he did initially sign up to net dating for a boost to his ego, but those sites quickly turn into endless holes where guys just see a massive array of women (some often scantily dressed)and think they are onto a good thing!! Even if he hasn't actually met any of the women in real life it could have made him question his relationship with you and pushed him into thinking there may be someone else better around the next corner.
There isn't much you can do if he has made up his mind. Get on with your own life and try to keep your head up. He may very well live to regret his decision to finish with you when he finds out that the internet can be a very shallow place and does not replace a deep and loving relationship.
Try not to get clingy and crazy with him, just show your mature side, sort out your living arrangements and finances and step out of the picture for a while.
Gather your friends and family to help you get over it and deal with your sadness. Look after yourself because there isn't much else you can do. The harder you pursue him the further away from you he will go.
If he does come back in the future, it will be your decision to start again with him, but do not put your life on hold waiting for him to make up his mind...that would be the biggest mistake of all.
Good Luck xxx
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