A
female
age
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*ezza2245
writes:hi my partner of 20 years cheated on me with a woman he met on the internet, we live in Australia she lives in America. they used to play cards i would walk past and they would be chatting i would try and look at what they were saying but when i walked past he would put it down. i used to say to him you talking to your girlfriend he would tell me to grow up so i knew something was going on but i thought oh well she is over there he is here. they started skype didn't think anymore about it then he was going to Melbourne for his usual footy trip with his mates for 6 days they normally only go for 3 days but this time it was 6 days. then 2 months after that i received an email from her telling me about their affair that they started as friends then best friends then lovers. he told me it was nothing just a cheap thrill she wanted revenge coz he wouldn't move to America she thought he could transfer his job. i am so hurt angry frustrated, i dont know what to do. i have devoted my whole life to him every day i think about them together when i go to sleep all i can see is them having sex i wake up screaming i have nightmares. it has been 6 months since it happened will i ever get over it will the pain ever go away what do i do
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affair, best friend, cheap, cheated on me, revenge, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Simple , he thought he would not get caught. It was convenien, he was going to out of the country and she was available. He would have got away if the woman did not decide to get even for being used and disposed.
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female
reader, Kezza2245 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Kezza2245 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thanks for you answers i love this man more than anything else he has apologized many many times i have thought about leaving him i have tried to end my life i think i will give it 12 months if the hurt & nightmares dont go away i will leave i am trying so hard but every now and then i have and out burst and ask all the questions over and over again and he answers them can someone tell me why would anyone travel across the other side over the world for sex? for all they know either one could have been a murderer he wants to save our relationship so i think we need couples counselling he is the man i wanted to grow old with
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I've been in this situation once before . It reAly hurts and I was alone in my car and screamed my lungs out . I felt alone and depressed and I thought to myself that I would never find nobody else if he doesn't love me , nobody will . I was wrong of thinking this . But the answer to your question is yes , you can move on and you can do it ! Things that helped me get over it reAly quickly . I'm over weight so I thought to myself maybe he cheated because I was fat and he probably thought I was ugly . I started to believe in myself I started eating healthy and exsercising everyday and get two day break . It reAly relieves stress and keeps you moving and your mind focused on your body . Also what will help is do something you enjoy doing . Maintain busy ... That is all I did and by then I cared but not to the point I start crying or feeling emotions like I did . Because its just one guy I lost while there is plenty more . And I know one day he will regret it and I will not take him back because he lost what he could have . I'm a first not a second choice . So therefore believe in yourself sweetheart and you don't need him ! And trust me you will feel more energized and relieved . No more stress , and that women did you a favor and let you know hes a jerk !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): DUMP HIM!
Please, do not put yourself through the torture. If he has done it once, he may do it again. The man cannot be trusted. It's best you leave him and move on with your life.
You deserve so much better.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 The cheap thrill of the 3 days of sex means less to me than the fact that he has been having this emotional affair under your nose and in your face.
clearly he led her on to believe he would leave you for her..... that's why she tried to break you up with her email.
He betrayed you. He lied to you. He cheated. will you ever trust him again?
the fact that he called her a "cheap thrill" says a million things to me....
I'm sure he said "wonderful" things about you... my ex husband would tell women he was having emotional affairs with that his marriage sucked and he was unhappy and wanted out and we weren't having sex.... ALL OF IT LIES to stroke his ego...
so he lies to you
he probably lied to her
will you ever not hurt... if it's still as raw after 6 months as the day you found out... your not healing...
if you want to fix it with your man and forgive him (and yeah it can be done) then he has to want to save the relationship as much as you do.
He has to give up any privacy. etc...
and i strongly suggest counseling... both for you privately to decide what to do and how to cope. Dealing with your feelings and confronting them will help you heal...
if you both want to save the relationship.... I suggest couples counseling..... if only you want to save it and he refuses to own his bad behavior or go for counseling... then I think you have to start formulating an exit plan.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 WHY bother with enduring the pain of his past indiscretion(s)???? You have the luxury of erasing this pain from your life by sending him on his way..... (try it!)
Good luck....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): you won't... or the pain won't.
1 year since i found out my man was cheating. i'm now single. couldn't get over it
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 February 2013):
 His only words to you was that it was a "cheap thrill"? This means he's not sorry about it. It wasn't a cheap thrill. It was betrayal that devastated you, and he doesn't get it. How COULD you move on from that if he can just throw away your love for a "cheap thrill"? He could easily do it again!
I would drop the guy to be honest, because neither of you have moved on, and he hasn't made steps to heal it and regain your trust.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): So for 3 days he had sex with her in Melbourne? I'm sorry, thats not a one time momental lapse in judgment. He actually went and spent a few days with her doing everything he does with you: cuddling her, having sex multiple times, eating out, talking.... You staying is only prolonging your pain. A cheap thrill is going to a strip bar, having sex with another women is adultery. He cares little for you and your heart. Sometimes people do things so hurtful, it essentially is the end of the relationship. By staying, you are prolonging the pain of a dying relationship. I hope you can regain your sanity soon and not by waiting around hoping your heart will heel.
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female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (14 February 2013):
 All the points by Honeypie are very good. I just want to add that he isn't sorry. The affair wasn't an accident if he planned a 6 day trip to be with her. You don't even have a chance to get over this if he doesn't regret what he's done. That isn't your fault, that's his. If he refuses to be sorry then it's time to leave because if he can't admit he was wrong, chances are he'll do it again.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 February 2013):
 1. Time does heal many wounds.
2. He didn't tell you til he got caught, for me that is kind of a red flag, because it means he would have continued the affair if SHE hadn't e-mailed you.
SHE is not to be blamed, not by you nor him. HE is the one who "was/is" committed to you and HE broke the trust. Yeah she has shoddy morals, but again.. if it hadn't been her, it might have been another chick.
Has he been remorseful AT ALL? Does he regret it because he got caught or because YOU got hurt?
How have you two dealt with the issue? Have you talked it through?
Have YOU expressed what you NEED/WANT for him to even consider staying with him?
And before this happened how was the relationship (as far as you know?)
Last but not least WHAT do you want to do? What do you want HIM to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): If you cannot let go of this relationship then you need to find a way to move past this affair as you will eventually destroy the relationship. This is not fair but is likely to happen.
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female
reader, Sylph +, writes (14 February 2013):
Hi, i am extremely sorry to hear what you have been going through, and i can truly tell you that he does not deserve a woman like you. You have been in a relationship for 20 years, and he obviously needed a change, but sadly, he sought it elsewhere rather than trying to introduce it into his own relationship to make thinks more interesting and to renew the spark. The pain, though time may diminish it, will always be there im afraid, a tiny clench in your stomach, or an irritating lump in your throat. Tell your partner, that is, if you want to stay with him, that he will have to work VERY hard on gaining your trust back, and on mending your heart break. What has been his reaction? Has he apologized? Well, by the looks of it, he chose u over his fling, which is an indicator that you may want to give him a second chance if u wish, and if he deserves of course, people make mistakes, but u seemed perfect enough to stay faithful for a good twenty years, and i sincerely congratulate u. U can do nothing but wait and refresh your life, contact your friends, participate in events, find a new hobby..anything that can distract you and bring you happiness, even if it is a temporary happiness. He, on the other hand, will have to do ALOT to deserve you. I do not recommend revenge, only teens do that, but instead, go with the cliche advice of forgiving, it just proves youre the mature person who will not lower herself to his standards. Best of luck
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