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female
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anonymous
writes: I moved to another country to be with the one I love. I have been alone (not unhappy and by choice) for 20 years.I put everything financial and emotional into this relationship and I am dying inside.He tells me he loves me all day, he is loving, caring and beautiful. So where is the problem, I hear you ask?Well there has to be one doesn't there? He is everything a woman wants BUT he can't deal with stress. He drinks........not too much but when he does he changes. He becomes a monster. He can abstain for weeks but then he craves it and causes an argument, like tonight, where he needs to abuse me verbally and storm off and when he comes home he will be so scary .I need to leave but we have a business together, 3 beautiful dogs and I cannot start again financially as I gave everything up for him and worked my ass off to get us where we are today.At 45 I am not a desperate woman, I am soluble financially, good looking, but my heart is breaking and I cannot start again and be poor.When he sobers up he is wonderful and everyone envies my life. Isn't that always the case?Yes I should go, but he promises so much and I am rather scared of leaving him as he loves me so much.I hate him now and wish he would die. Is that so bad? But even if he did, his family would take half of everything because that is the culture I now live in.You will all say leave .........and I want to, believe me, but it is so hard. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Kelly for your response.I would never go back to teh UK though, even though I am highly qualified adn would find a psoition easily. I don't really have any close family other than a brother and I have nobody here besides my husband.he came home and ignoed me last night but has blanked me all day and now he is acting as though nothing happened. Same story every time.When he is in a good mood he admits to needing a therapist but 5 years later I am still waiting.A will doesn't stand up in this country I am afraid, the family do allways get half of everything if he dies. That is the law.I do stash money away slowly in a frinds account jsut in case but it hard to do. he is very generous and he doesn't stop me spending or having money after all I earned it but I wittle away spending money every month.I need to stay a fw moer months with him to get my passsport for this country and then maybe I am in a more stable situation.I love him dearly but I never have suffered any shit in my life from men and only that I am in a foreign country do I put up with the culture clash as it is hard to make a stand.Watch this space. And thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): Hi there, I really sympathise with your situation. I was married to an alcoholic and you always want to see the best in the person that you love. Sadly, if abuse is involved whether verbal or physical then its like living with someone with two personalities. You love the one half but loathe the other. You try to be your best, lover, housekeeper, friend , partner, soulmate, whatever. Nothing that you do will ever be good enough for this person because their personality is flawed. I moved abroad to be with him too and invested money in our home.We also had a son together. When I met him I knew he liked a drink, but it was only after we were married and I had a child that his drinking became a problem. He constantly criticised and made me feel inadequate and insecure. Eventually the beatings started, my self esteem was the lowest it had ever been, I considered suicide and there seemed no way out. But from somewhere I found the strength to leave him with a five year old child and move back to my own country. Yes, its been hard, I have problems with relationships because of the abuse. Financially I had nothing, but 9yrs on I have a well adjusted child and no monster in my home. The best thing I ever did was to leave him. I hope that you can find the strength to do that too. No one has the right to abuse you, regardless of their personal problems. You have a life, not a sentence, please go find the strength and enjoy that life...
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Hi dearie,i empathize with your situation. You are really in a tight one, being in another country far away from home with different rules to situations.it is up to you to decide and i can help but been fair and allow you to weigh your sitaution.
If you decide to walk away from your posting i can see that it wont be easy.But it will help your future happiness and peace of mind.But it might mean starting again which might imply going back home. Do you have any close family member/friend back home that can help? If so Perhaps you can call to to get help for a job or a temporary place to stay till you get back on your feet. ALso is the business in both of your names. Cant you be able to work around things and get your share of the business you have invested in. If that isnt going to be possible then the previous option of going home if you decide to leave might be the best bet.
Now,If your decision is to stay then it you should know that things are likely to continue the way they are except there is a way you cant stop him from drinking totally. Can you be able to convince him to see therapist?Make him realise that it is a much greater issue for you that he can fail to see.No hard feeling about him but if you stay with him there is always the option that he can pass away earlier than you do perhaps of a natural cause what happens then? You will still lose everything according to your posting because his family will be in total control of both of your assets. But an option is getting him to write a will i think that should be hold in court.
I wish you the best and i hope you are able to work on things. whatever you do your happiness should come first.Goodluck dear
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