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female
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*ebz
writes: my paranoia over my fiance's ex wife and lover is ruining the best relationship ive ever had. He works in a hospital with 600 nurses which i couldnt give a damn about but my paranoia about his exes has reached boiling point. I constantly check his phone for calls or msgs and go thru his wallet and his pockets. ive never found anything but that doesnt stop me.Ive never experienced feeling like these before(I'm 39) and I hate them. My doctor told me to stop being silly but I'm crying typing this after todays episode where he sent me a voice msg on which i thort he'd called me by his ex wifes name and went ballistic,when I listened properly I realised he hadnt but I fear the damage is done,please help me before i lose the love of my life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2006): Were you ever hurt real bad in a prior relationship, dear? I'm wondering, if some seed of self-doubt had been planted in your mind, in your past. Do you have real, substantial reasons to mistrust him and these exes? Something has happened in your present or past to cause this. It just didn't pop into your mind, suddenly. Deep, unrelenting pain and hurt can cause this in good people But we know, your fears and inability to trust are controlling your love life, dear. The only person who can stop them is you. It's a mental mindset caused by deep insecurity and a change in the way you think, is needed. The only way to rid this, is to work hard to make inner changes. Think of changing your attitude to the positive, to be the happiest and strongest you can be. Assess your relationship in a rational, calm way. If you bring your own goals, dreams, a ton of self-respectand self-awareness into a love relationship, your partner can be a tremendous source of support and love to you. You create a healthy balance with the person you love when you love yourself.
But on the other hand, insecurities and fears cause neediness in a person. When you bring this into your relationship, the balance is all off. You become an emotional drain to yourself and to him. In such a lopsided relationship, you're bound to feel lonely and on edge. Your feelings of self-worth have to come from within you...not from the mere existance or prescence of someone in your life. Counting on someone else to give you that worthiness just will make the pain and the personal nothingness even worse, hun. The only way to change your relationship into a positive dynamic is to change the way you view the world and others, including any of his exes. All of us have had exes in our lives. That is normal! If he's not doing anything to cause your fears, look within yourself. Perhaps some counseling will help you...maybe a self-esteem building course. Check into that and please, a big suggestion from me is: really think hard about anything you may say to him that is negative, especially if it isn't warranted. If you think first, you become self-aware, you learn to stop yourself. You learn self-control and that my dear, is what having a healthy relationship is all about. The ability to stop negativity and keep love and respect ongoing with positivity. I wish you well...and good luck.
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