A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I INTRODUCED the woman I love to my parents but they won’t accept her because she is older than me and has an ex-fiance stalking her.I am 30, she is 42. I love her and the sex is amazing. Her fiance walked out on her a week before the wedding, got with another woman, then kept stalking her both on and offline for money, even when she moved here he kept doing it and he's still harassing her online.She's Chinese, I'm British. Been here since she was 12, apparently.My mother says I shouldn’t get involved with someone who has baggage. She says I’d be taking on a lot of trouble and should find someone who is free.I don’t like to alienate my family.I want Mum and dad to meet her but they seem against it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): You're 30 years old, a grown-@$$ man! Your mother and father don't have to accept your choice of whom you want to love or marry. Unless you all abide strictly by the rules of your culture and traditions; based on your religion and/or nationality. Even under those particular restrictions; you're a man, and you can do whatever you want. There are no cultural-traditions on the planet that outright deny men our right to choose our romantic-interests; just overbearing and meddlesome parents who try to run our lives, or use blackmail to control us. Some religions pose certain doctrinal exclusions; but they apply to and are more enforceable mostly on women, rather than men. Otherwise, in almost any culture, we men can have our way.
Of course, your parents are going to have some issues with her background, but who doesn't have a past, or some skeletons in their closet? You may want to please your parents, and want their blessings; but you can't force it out of them. It is what it is, and they'll just have to deal with it. If they are bigoted, then you better have the balls to backup your choices; and not leave this woman susceptible to their bigoted insults and mistreatment. Like so many men, who decide to cross the racial-barriers; and let their nasty parents and stupid family-members trash women who only want to love the man who claims to love them! They look to him to support and protect them; even when they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. It's the principle, he placed her there in the middle of it. He's the "man" in the situation, and better man-up to it!
I've seen it all too many times; especially with mama's-boys, and sappy weaklings afraid of their parents. If you're either, that woman better run for the hills! She might have jumped right from the frying pan into the fryer. They're 'your' parents; so don't act so surprised. You say you love her? Well that has yet to be proven.
Your parents are also adults, and they have their own values, opinions, and make whatever choices they want regarding "their own lives." If they just feel uncomfortable about the age-difference, that's pretty much expected. They'll get used to it. You are now an adult; but you are the son, not the parent. You don't get to influence, or have any power, over their way of thinking; because they're in the position of authority. Parental-authority that is honored by your respect; but limited by your age. You will have to rely on time and their getting to know her. She should have the reputation, credibility, and background that justifies their respect. She doesn't get to just show-up, and automatically get it. Regardless of her age, race, or religion.
Truth be told, you don't know everything about this woman either. You're still getting to know who she is; and you may not know all you should know at this point. At best, you should heed your parents' advice; based on their wisdom, but not their prejudices. Hopefully, they would have the natural reservations any parents would have about any woman in their son's life. They may want grandchildren; and you've brought a woman into your life close to the end of her childbearing years. With a 12-year advantage in her experience. She comes from some sort of tumultuous relationship. Which you didn't mention if all that has been totally resolved, or if it is still ongoing? Does he still stalk her? Your parents do have a point! Either, or both, of you could be in danger!
Nobody knows how long your relationship will last; or the outcome of it, at this point. You didn't even mention how long you've known her, or how you met her. Two very important details; when you're seeking advice from Dear Cupid. Leaving-out details is how people try to manipulate the advice and opinions, to slant them in their favor. Real and useful advice springs from having sufficient details to use good-judgement, discernment, and wisdom. Otherwise, we're just making wild guesses; and offering our readers useless speculations of very little value or benefit to anyone.
Continue dating. Until you both know, between the two of you, where this is going. Otherwise, you will have to tolerate your parents' behavior; because you can't tell either of them how to think, or force them to like your older girlfriend. There are many prejudices, and a double-standard, against older-women romantically-connected with younger-men; but some of the challenges that come with age-gaps are still a reality, whether you accept them or not. If love is the reason, that's enough motive to overcome the challenges.
Your feelings are what they are, for now; but if they can successfully overcome the obstacles yet to come, that's all that matters.
You mentioned sex; which you wouldn't have mentioned, if it wasn't a factor in how you feel about her. I hope it goes much deeper than that. You don't use the word love casually. It implies deepness, and an unquestionable maturity of your affections; with no doubt or confusion as to how attracted you are to her. Hopefully, she reciprocates those feelings with the same sincerity and intensity.
She is taking an emotional risk, and putting-up with the social stigmas of an older-woman being with a younger-man; and she also has to endure the ostracisms of her own culture, for dating another race. If enjoying sex with an older-female (of a different race) out of novelty is mainly how deep it runs; your parents have nothing to worry about. It will only last until that novelty wears-off. Unfortunately, your girlfriend may be the one with the most to lose. She believes this is love. As do you, or so you claim. That my friend, remains to be seen. It all depends on how much you will contribute to make it work; and of course, it will take the efforts of two! Make sure she is true to her word, as well!
There are race-fetishes and porn-inspired sexual-connotations that are a part of pop-culture that older-women are vulnerable and subjected to. They are just looking for love and affection; but get caught-up in these traps. Vulnerability and stupidity are not related terms. One comes from innocence, or naiveté; and the other comes from willful-ignorance. She's old enough to know what's she's getting herself into; but no-one is to blame but herself, if she goes into any relationship with any man with her eyes closed. Your parents don't have to accept her, you're the one she's dating.
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