A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My sister has never been my friend. She’s about 8 years older than I am. Even as children I mostly recall her being verbally and physically abusive towards me. Honestly I have few good memories aside lectures from her as well as guilt trips. Any gifts I received from her(clothes hand me downs) were taken back if I did something that annoyed her. She remains unmarried and childless at 40 while my husband and I just welcomed our second child. Now to what’s bothering me!Our parents always urge me to reach out to her, check on her, talk to her. I really want nothing to do with my sister. She cannot control her angry outbursts. She has asked my sick mother when she will die during an argument, mocked an old boyfriends dead child..so much! She will send endless messages of abuse, reach out to people, to talk badly about me. Even sent messages to my own mother in law trying to paint me in a bad light. Recently I was not able to deliver some items for her since my car had no space, she blew up on the street. Screaming profanities, calling me a prostitute, it was terrible. I cannot understand why my parents keep pushing for us to communicate! I tried. Things would be ok for about 2 weeks until I fail to do something she asked, then all hell will break loose. It’s been going on for over 15 years I have a new family to focus on. I have no time for fights anymore. How do they not see that forgiving and forgetting gets old especially if the perpetrator refuses to be civil/respectful. I honestly feel like cutting my parents from my life because of this. In every conversation they always find a way to mention that I should check on her. I want nothing to do with her. Am I wrong about this way of thinking?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2020): Thanks again for all the replies.
I really appreciate finally being understood after years of my opinion being dismissed, maybe because I am the youngest child. This has weighed heavily on me and continues to do so especially since my parents are involved.
I have so much to say, years of pent up emotions and energy. However, it all comes down to what you've all suggested, standing my ground and distancing myself.
It is very sad and I wish i had a better relationship with my only sister. I just cannot handle any more of the abuse. The words were literally affecting me physically, I would feel sick during these fights. I tried to tell her that her screaming was making me sick...she responded oh I make you sick? Immediately called her friend to tell her how I said she makes me sick(the phrase for disgust)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2020): Explain to your parents that you can forgive someone, and still want nothing to do with them. (I’m saying this based on your follow-up.) Being Christian doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself, or that you have to be a doormat to someone who clearly doesn’t respect you. If a relationship is toxic, it needs to be ended. You don’t have to hold a grudge to understand that her being in your life is not good for you. You don’t have to have ill will toward her. You can wish her well and let her go. Eventually, your parents will learn to respect your decision, especially if they know you aren’t holding a grudge. Stand your ground and don’t let them guilt you into backing down from doing what you know is right. Furthermore, ask them not to bring her up around you again, or you to her, only exception being if there’s a medical emergency. This lets them know you also aren’t interested in gossip. You just want to be done with her, period.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2020): Explain to your parents exactly what you've explained to us. Don't leave-out anything; and make them listen to you without interruption. This is a conversation you have in-person, not over the phone. You need their undivided-attention with their mouths shut!
They can't be totally oblivious to the fact that your sister is mean and abusive; and pushing you together doesn't stop the abuse. They mean well, but they're pretending like they don't notice the tensions between you. They failed to intervene when it mattered; that was when you were both still children. Now they're trying to undo what has been going-on for years? You can't reconcile with someone who doesn't wish to cooperate. It's a waste of time. Foolish! It's practically provoking them!
I think they're smarter than that. They don't want to admit they may have a child with serious indications of antisocial-behavior; and possibly suffering from deeply-ingrained emotional-issues. Being in-denial, they'll pretend it's just a silly childish beef. Your sister seems toxic, and seriously malicious. If they're in their 70's, or older; they won't accept that mental-illness could run in the family. It has a social-stigma, and they grew-up in a different era. It's probable that she inherited it from one of your parents! Then there's the question, which side of the family has the bad-genes? Denial and attributing the behavior to something other than what it is, helps them to cope.
Your having a husband and a child is neither here nor there. Never boast or compare your blessings. They are gifts from God, and should never be shown in such a light. That's the best way to make your blessings stop! Just be thankful, and wish the best for your sister.
Her bitterness and animosity towards you has a reason. Maybe it's resentment that you came along and stole her spot as youngest, or an only-child. If you seem favored by your parents, out-shined her in school, had more friends; or turned out to be prettier, and more popular. Envy is a nasty disease, and some people never rise above it. It's just as nasty to rub their nose in it.
Now they're trying to force you two to get along, after a long history of your sister bullying and slandering you? Only now they've decided to be diplomats? It's too late! If they want to work on somebody, they should be asking your sister what's her problem? They should have addressed the incidents of abuse as they occurred between you as children. Making sure you made up and got along. You've tried, now just back-off. It's useless. You can't compensate for areas where they've lacked in parenting. It's too late to pass blame, but you have to acknowledge the facts.
You're an adult. You can be frank with your parents. Politely suggest that if they're concerned about your sister; they have every right as her parents to follow-up on her well-being. You've tried to no avail; and all they're doing is pushing you into the meat-grinder. That makes no sense, and they're old and experienced enough to know better. Don't let stubborn elderly-people dismiss what you tell them. If they're not deaf, they're ignoring you. If you have to repeat yourself a few times to get the point across, do it! They will continue to push and prod, until you push back. Your sister doesn't want to get along with you. It doesn't mean you should return the cruelty and belligerence.
Pray for your sister, and remain kind to her; but keep a safe distance from her.
Never hold grudges or hostility towards people; when avoiding them and distancing yourself resolves the problem. If she goes out of her way to slander you; you're wise enough to know that people who know and respect you don't listen to the gossip. If they don't like you to start with; they'll believe anything derogatory said about you. There's nothing you can do about what people want to believe.
You're an adult. Your parents can't tell you what to do anymore. Obedience is strictly out of respect; but when they are asking you to do the impossible, that's when you respectfully ignore them. It's not your job to ease their conscience about failing to make your sister behave, and dealing with her issues when she was a child.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2020):
 Do they hound your brothers to keep in touch with her too?
If not, I'd ask your brother how they told your parents they want nothing to do with "big sis". Get some advice from them.
And if they ALSO cut your parents out, well maybe that is something to consider. I can see why you are thinking about it because they enable her behavior and expect you to do the same. To just "bend over and take it", so I don't blame you for having had enough.
Also have you tried the strategy of changing the subject EVERY TIME they bring it up? Or (if you are on the phone) ending the conversation without giving an answer about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2020): Thanks for taking the time.
Thing is they guilt me with the whole Christianity and forgiveness thing. She's my only sister but we have 4 brothers, three of whom want nothing to do with her ever. The other brother is generally an easygoing guy and never holds grudges.
she is generally very successful, earning over $120k. she has been successful for a while now. so regarding mental issues, I highly doubt that.
Our parents believe in letting bygones be bygones, that's why I want to cut them off. They act like they don't understand how much hurt she has caused her siblings. Her words are toxic and hard to forget. She says the most painful things. she called our brother, a new father, a bad dad..and urged his fiance to break up with him. I cannot go on trying to pretend we are friends, the thing is I don't understand why I'm conflicted about this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2020):
Sounds like they worry about her, maybe because she has some mental issues? When they are gone will she be able to have a "normal" life?
I think you have every right to not want to be around her, and I think you need to just tell your folks EVERY TIME they bring it up that you will no longer have her bully you, regardless of being siblings. Life is too short to keep her in your life.
I don't think you have to cut your folks off too. But stand your ground. Don't make it an argument, just state that you want nothing to do with her any more. The only reason you have been in contact with her thus far was because they asked but you have reached your limit to what you will endure from her, basically, enough is enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2020): Hi
When people/relatives try to tell me to do a certain thing that I don't agree with or don't want to do, I ignore what they've just said and change the subject. I find trying to justify myself to people stressful and have realised after all these years, when I received unsolicited advice that I don't want and don't agree with, that the best course of action is to act as if they haven't spoken. I'm not rude, but speak gently and happily of something else. This takes any confrontation/justifying out of the equation.
Your parents must understand what your sister's like, but want you to be friends anyway which is sadly impossible for you. Not your fault.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 March 2020):
 Tell your parents, tell them you are not interested in a relationship with a toxic sister with no boundaries.
If they try to pretend they don't know what you mean remind them of her contact with your mother in law, and her screaming at you because you could not fulfil one of her requests.
Tell them that while you are not interested in reaching out to her anymore, if she happens to reach out to you, or you meet her somewhere face to face you will greet her politely, but that you are not interested in anything further.
If you parents are getting on in age they may be concerned she will be left on her own if you are the only sibling. If your parents indicate this is their concern let them know you will reconsider when the time comes but if you are still not treated respectfully you wont continue.
I have a sister who I hope lives the rest of her life relatively pain free and content, I just don't want to see or hear from her.
Good luck.
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