A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok - my b/f and I have been dating a little over 4 years, we met in college. We've already decided that we want to marry, but we're not ready yet because of our job situation. Since graduating, I have returned home and am living with my parents. I'm trying to start a career in International HR. My B/F also returned home (in S.C. - I'm in N.C.) and is getting ready to join the Air Force in about 6 months. He's told me that he doesn't want to go to my parents and ask for my hand until after he is accepted to the AF and everything is "official", so he can prove he can take care of me. The problem: As far as my parents are concerned, he is just not good enough is ANYTHING he does. The gifts he gives me at Christmas/birthday are sub-par or "not enough". He's temping to make money between now and the AF and is only making an hourly wage. I understand and respect this, but to my parents "if he can't afford to give you the better things in life, he shouldn't be dating you at all." He comes from a broken home, raised by his mom and has worked very hard to get where he is. To my parents this means "he'll be just like his dad and run off and leave you as a single mother". Whenever I go to S.C. to visit him I'm "chasing him" and "cheapening myself". Because we both live at home, once every 3 months or so we meet half-way to get a hotel and have some time to ourselves. My parents say he treats me like a "slut", "whore", "cheap", "trailer trash". We're 24 - not teenagers anymore! Finally, "people who go into the armed forces usually do because they don't have any better options - he'll never make enough money to support you and a family. You'll end up supporting him your whole life." I can't tell you how irate that makes me. I could go on and on and on with everything he's done "wrong" or "not good enough" over the years. Any advice with how to deal with this? I can't continue to live with them constantly putting him down and badgering me to date someone "better". Am I just being blind?
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female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 I can relate pretty well to your situation. Maybe I can explain what I went through and that might help you with this.
You need to ask yourself a couple of questions, and be very honest about what the answer is.
1. Is he TRYING his best in whatever he is doing?
2. Does he seem MOTIVATED and like he at least WANTS to provide for himself and for you?
3. What kind of WORK ETHIC does he have?
I tell you to do that because I was with someone once who NEVER tried, had NO motivation, and his work ethic was awful. I'm an incredibly hard worker, and at the time that I was dating him, I was in school full-time, working 25-30 hours per week, with 3 hours of homework each night, plus church activities! He, on the other hand, lived about 20 minutes away from me and worked part-time at a fast food restaurant, then moved to my town and didn't work at all.
So he would tell me all these pretty goals and dreams that he had in order to keep me around. Meanwhile, I found out he didn't even have his high school diploma, had NO money saved up for post-secondary anything...he was basically a deadbeat who was living off of the little bit of money I was saving by working so hard.
My parents nagged me the WHOLE time we were dating to get rid of him, that he wasn't good enough for me, that he was just mooching off of my hard work and that I would be supporting him for the rest of my life. Now in their case, they were absolutely right. I finally saw the light, broke things off with him, and now 2 years later, guess where he is? Part-time at the fast food place, still no high school, still broke.
Now, from what you're describing, your guy has a definite goal that he is successfully working towards, and your parents just have this vision in their heads of you marrying a rich doctor or lawyer or whoever.
If you evaluate your situation, and you really feel that your boyfriend is trying his best, then you just need to put your parents on mute and not let them get to you. Just move forward with your boyfriend and eventually your parents will let it go when they realize their ignorance is falling on deaf ears. But if there's even a glimmer of doubt in your mind, then maybe you should listen to what they have to say and actually consider it.
Hope this helps!
masq
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