A
female
age
30-35,
*ariah
writes:I have been dating this boy for about 5 months now. I am 22 and while I've gone out with a few guys, I've never been in a serious relationship before as my parents are mega strict on these matters. The boy I am dating lives in Manchester (I am in Leeds), but we see each other every weekend. We get on amazingly and I just have the best time when I am with him - he is so sweet and caring and makes me laugh so much. My problem really is my parents. They are very protective of me, especially my dad, and have issues with this guy because they don't think he is 'good enough' for me. He is a little smaller than me and they don't think he is good looking at all. They also say his job is not suitable and are basically just being horrible about him. I am terrible at making decisions and always let my parents help me decide what to do, so this is basically the first time I have done something against or their wishes. They are also saying to me that I am abandoning them for this guy because I am now dividing my time between them and him. My dad admitted to me that he is upset at 'losing control' of me and my life and what I do with it. I am so confused! I feel that I need to break away from this claustrophobic atmosphere at home and enjoy my life with someone who really cares for me and I can have fun with. However I just feel so incredibly guilty about going with this guy and giving him my attentions instead of being with my family all the time, because we are so close and have always done everything together. I am also so upset that they cannot see the good in him and how happy he makes me, instead of always focusing on the negative. The bad atmosphere at home is really making me ill and I just feel I cannot cope with all the horrible comments anymore as they are really staring to get to me and making me think twice about this whole situation. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): I don't know do your parents really have a problem with your boyfriend or do they just want to control you and your life. whatever the case, you need to start making your own choices. If he's making you happy, I don't see any reason why you should care what your parents are thinking of him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Unless your boyfriend has a job as a male prostitute, I can't really see how parents can object to him being employed. I have a 26 year old daughter and from when she was about 15 I always talked to her openly about starting to have boyfriends - if she wanted to! - but to be careful about who she chose and to just be very careful of getting too serious too quickly and being used. Her first two boyfriends were nice at first and then turned out to be very immature and nightmare-ish (one stalked her endlessly for about 2 years) but she's now living with someone who is stable and sweet and very caring. He works hard in a job. Personally, I would have preferred her to go for someone far more intellectual and/or far more pro-active generally about "going for" life - he's just a bit too easy going for my personal liking - but I'd never dream of trying to control who she's with - it's not up to me, it's her life, not mine - and if she chooses to discuss any of her relationship issues with me then she knows she can. It's not and never has been my place to interfere, just to offer guidance and support when she needs it, especially when she was younger - and I wouldn't dream of being so selfish and controlling as your parents are being, definitely not when you are 22! Unless you are all involved in a very strict religion - maybe you are - then I really feel that they are behaving as if they are living in a bygone era. They sound absolutely like my own parents were - far too strict and controlling, with the result that I got married as soon as I could to a no-hoper unemployed man. It didn't work of course, but it didn't mean that they were right to control me either.
Have you tried talking to your Dad about what a normal young woman of your age would usually be doing? And about how selfish they are actually being by controlling you and judging your boyfriend? If they really cannot see this, and you have tried, then I'm afraid you will have to be cruel to be kind and just make your own choices and decisions and let them live with the consequences. They really are being extremely immature and, as the other respondent has pointed out, it's not clear what they expect from you, except for you to maybe become a Nun and/or their devoted slave for the rest of your life? Tell them to sort out their own marriage and get on with having fun of their own and then they wouldn't need to control you so much - there must be a huge amount missing from their relationship if they need you to fill up a big emotional gap between them!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 Some parents really struggle when "their little girl" grows up and becomes an adult.... and commences to making adult decisions on her own behalf.....
I think that's what you have described.... and the only thing that YOU can do is remind them that THEY raised you to become a responsible adult... and make YOUR OWN decisions.... and that THEY have to let you fledge from the nest and get on with YOUR life...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): It is your life. Your choices. Hard for parents to accept this as they are just being parents. They are supposed to be overprotective.
My dad would always tell me I never listen to him. And I don't! Lol! Yes, sometimes your parents do know better. They have been around the block a few times. But.... you must be able to make your own choices and you are adult enough to do so. It is better to follow your own path and find out where it leads, even if it ends up being a mistake, rather than never going down that path to discover what is there because somebody told you not to. Because instead of a mistake, it could turn out to be the best thing you ever did. So, I think it is better to live with a lesson learned than with the regret of never even knowing, never even taking a chance...
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
That is my philosophy.
Hope it all turns out.
In the end, you must always follow your heart. Anything less and you will be unhappy. The heart is not fool proof and sometimes makes you a fool but it will take you on a great adventure, not to be missed!!
I think in time they will get used to the idea. :)
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A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (9 November 2014):
 You have to break away from being controlled by your family eventually. I'm 20 and my parents get concerned when I date but they know that I am an adult and I have to make my own decisions. The same applies to you. Talk to them about the claustrophobic feeling and let them know that you still very much love them and that they are irreplaceable because they are your family. They are just being overprotective. You shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing a relationship at your age. Soon you'll be at a great age for marriage. What do they expect of you then if they have been discouraging you from spending any time with the guy you like?
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