A
female
age
30-35,
*atsarecool
writes:I am coming here because I need advice on how to stay strong. I feel like writing this all out may help as well as receiving advice from others. I have been with a guy for seven years and he is leaving me for the same woman he has left me for a number of times I can't even keep track of anymore. The number of times I've caught him talking to her when I thought everything was fine is overwhelming. It's not just that I catch him and he admits. I generally can tell when something is up and I confront him about it but he lies for a period of time and then finally fesses up. Generally when the truth comes out its only half of the truth and I slowly get more and more pieces of the story as he reveals hurtful details over time. I could ask him the same question 15 times with tears in my eyes, and he will lie every single time. I will feel crazy and foolish. I feel bad for accusing and questioning, only to find out a few days, weeks, or months later that I was right in my gut.Each time he has left me for this girl, he has come back telling me he loves me and that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He tells me I deserve better and that he is going to treat me how I deserve to be treated. He promises and promises to be true and that he has no feelings for her. He slanders her and makes me believe she means nothing. He tells me about issues with his father and how he doesn't know whats wrong with him. For a long time I blamed the girl. I actually hated her, which in my book, is a rare thing. I hate that I hated her. i would be so furious and so jealous that I would obsess over every detail about her trying to find out what it is about her that keeps drawing him back.This last time, a few months ago, he told me we would do it right. We would get married next year and he would communicate to me. The past few weeks, however, I have noticed he wasn't acting right. I would ask him so many times what was wrong and if it was related to her. He would assure me it wasn't and dismissed my accusations that something was wrong.A few days ago he received a birthday present in the mail from her. I questioned how she even knew our address and he made up some story about how he didn't know she was going to do that and that she was still blocked in his phone. I believed him and a few days later he confessed that he actually contacted her. He went on about how he can't stop thinking about her. He says he loves me but something about her jumbles him up inside. He says he is a sociopath and he doesn't know how to make a decision. He claims there is something about her he can't resist even though he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone (so he says.)I love him, but I feel foolish and everyone I know thinks I am weak. I cannot blame them. Every time he hurts me, no matter how bad, I convince myself that it will be different this time. I ignore the warnings of others even though they've all come to a consensus that I shouldn't be with him and I deserve better. I know deep down they're right, but I don't know what's wrong with me or why I keep putting myself in harms way just for the fact that I love someone who doesn't love me back. I don't know how to be strong. I have to live with him until the end of December at the earliest. I have nowhere to go and I won't have the money to move out until then. Please tell me, How do I stay strong when I have to be under the same roof as him? How to I keep myself from fighting for someone who doesn't love or respect me? He is already talking to her and she has already broken things off with her boyfriend of three years for him. How can I possibly stay strong when I'm living with him and have to witness this? Please help me. I don't know how to be strong.
View related questions:
jealous, money, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Catsarecool +, writes (14 November 2014):
Catsarecool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I know your advice is good and I'm trying hard to follow itIt just hurts me so bad to be around him. He told me he isn't good for me, so whst makes him think he is good for her? He told me he can't stop thinking about her and the moment he first saw her and it stings so bad just hearing those words replaying in my head. I keep wondering if he will change for her and all the years of effort I put in wasn't enough to compare to the moment he laid eyes on her. She lives two states away and offered for him to move in with her and she will pay off his debt. He told me he was considering it because it would be a fresh start for him. He wouldn't move with me when I asked him several times, and his reasoning was that would be too hard. She has contacted me, but I blocked her. She said some really crummy stuff to me and I dont understand why he would want to be with someone like that. I feel defeated. I know everyone is saying that im better off, but I can't break the feelings of worthlessness and sadness over losing someone I loved enough to make all these sacrifices. I have been struggling but moving. Sometimes I'm fine and others im a pathetic crying mess. When will te pain stop and how do i stop torturing myself with thoughts of inadequAcy?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): All very good advice here by the aunties and uncles. Take that advice and use it.
This one statement really stood out by Honeypie:
And in the future, the FIRST time a man mistreat you, WALK away. Don't try and FIX them.
That is something I need to apply to my own life.
Good luck in your new life. You are doing the right thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 November 2014):
 Wasn't it Albert Einstein who said that insanity can be described as ".... doing the same thing.... time and again... and expecting different results...."???? How many times will you ALLOW this guy to make a fool of you - and disrepect you - before you learn/decide that the results aren't going to be any different this time, or the next time or the next????
Give up on him, and get on with your life.....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2014):
 1. GOOD for you for FINALLY realizing that this guy is not a good partner, BF or man. Everything is ALL about him. When he is bored with you he goes to her, when he is bored with her, he comes back. CUT the cycle. WALK AWAY.
2. AVOID the subject of "her". Simple don't ask, because SOON it won't MATTER because you are LEAVING him. LEAVING him for a BETTER LIFE for YOU.
3. Don't be intimate with him. No sex, no nothing. If you can "detach" yourself physically it will be a LOT easier to "detach" yourself from him and the relationship.
4. Being a sociopath or "claiming" to be one DOES NOT excuse his treatment of you (or her). NOTHING does.
5. Hating HER is ridiculous. SHE isn't doing this to you. HE is. If you need to hate someone?... hate on him.
6. ACCEPT that he will NOt change. ACCEPT that you can not FIX stupid. (him) you can NOT fix anything BY giving them free passes to WALK all over you.
7. ONCE you move out - CUT THE CONTACT 100% with him. DO not let him weasel himself back into your life. YOU are actually in charge of HOW you LET people treat you. HE isn't JUST doing this to you, YOU are LETTING him DO it. STOP that.
8. Spend as much time AWAY from the place you share with him. Spend time with friends and family. Or the library, coffee shop, work... and when you get home STICK to non-important subject. DON'T let him drag you into arguments and don't drag HIM into arguments. PRETEND that he is a platonic room mate you can't stand and will soon move away from.
TRUST your friends and family when they TELL you he is NO good for you, because YOU may already know it, but for some reason you seem to ignore it and have for years.
And in the future, the FIRST time a man mistreat you, WALK away. Don't try and FIX them.
And like Auntie Bim BIm mentioned, CUT yourself off from whatever bills are associated with HIS place (if your name it on it) start saving NOW. Don't buy expensive food items, keep it "college food" like ramin, rice, beans, whatever you can make cheap. HE can take care of his own food needs.
Start boxing up stuff - if you can leave those boxes with a trusted friend of family for when you move out.
MAKE your plans and STICK to them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 Writing a list might help work out how to do things. Keep busy, November is already 1 quarter done, December, when you can leave, is getting closer every day.
Just because you both occupy the same living space doesnt mean you have to share with him, sort out your finances, work out who owes what and only pay your share. When shopping for food and other essentials buy for yourself only, even if it means keeping stuff in the fridge with your name on it.
Get packing boxes or boxes from your local supermarket or stores and start packing your stuff ..... find out who can help you move when you find a new place.
Keep friends and family informed of what is happening, so they will be there to support you.
Determine NEVER EVER to take him back,NO MATTER WHAT ....
you CAN do this, just remain focused and firm
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Firstly you need to cut off your intimate relationship. Tell him that it's over and that you plan to leave in December when you can but tell him that you guys can't be together, and then stop taking this idiot back because he is just using you and you have been letting him use you. Try to stay out as much as possible, with friends or family, or even see if you can stay with someone else until you can officially move out.
...............................
|
