A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My name is Amit, Ive been dating a girl called Kajal - its been 4 years. Our parents knew of the relationship and we have subsequently started a business together and have plans buying a property, but we are not married.The relationship has come of age after 4 years and I have informed my parents about marriage.Kajal has likewise done the same.Our parents have met, and there are disputes of the marriage ceremony, as our cultures are slightly different although we are both hindus. Her dad wants a very small wedding to save money and we have a very large family so it is not acceptable. Further more we are hindu punjabi and she is gujrati so he does not want meat or alcohol there at all but again this will be unacceptable - they have about 50 people coming and we have say 500. Further more, Kajal's dad is not prepared to fulfil his obligation as a father by supporting Kajal in paying for her wedding or providing her with any emotional support. Further more, he is rigid in his views of how the ceremony should be, and is not willing to compromise with my parents and take their views into consideration at all.As a result, my parents are disgusted with him and feel that his attitude and behaviour is not a suitable environment their son to marry into. They are urging me to not go ahead, however, Kajal is not at fault and understands our views about her father.Ultimately, it is about the couple – Kajal and I, although my family are very upset and concerned if I marry her.This has lead to the situation that I am in now… being split between my family wishes and being with Kajal. Kajal is fine with me not having any contact with her dad after marriage as she also feels the same way about his appauling behaviour, but she will of course see them now and then.What shall I do? Should I keep all my family happy and find someone else ... shall I go against them and stay with the beautiful Kajal.Please help as things are getting really bad at home now... ThanksAmit.(I hate him)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Sometimes I wish weddings just never existed because of the social pressure to 'get it perfect' or 'do the right thing' and this exists in any culture - all parents seem to do is wade right in exert their viewpoint. Its as if their whole life has been dedicated to waiting for this day and their ideals must be lived up to. When you are young...early 20s.. it is easier to succumb to the pressure of parents and doing the dutiful thing. However it appears you are in your 30s and therefore you really are able to create the wedding you wish to have. There is the wedding day and there is a whole life time ahead. My wedding (in my 20s - christian) was so family pressured that even now I am unable to stand the thought of it all. Now I am in my 30s and I have the chance to do things differently - I would - even if it meant only being me and my boyfriend with one person to witness it - that is what I would do. This is about you two. As long as you are united in whatever decision you do make you will be ok.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Excellent advice from rcn. I know that families are important in your culture, but, hey, they are not getting married. And sometimes you need to think about yourself. If you don't, Amit, no one will.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Let me ask you a question. How much do you love her? Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with her? It is about you, and it is about her. All though I see her dads side to a certain extent. He's planning on giving his daughter away only once, and wants it to be the absolute perfect day. If she's a daddy's girl, you can somewhat understand his concern. So from that end, I can understand where he is coming from. But the parents have to understand, THIS IS NOT THEIR WEDDING.
I don't know your culture, so disregard if any of this information compromizes your culture. Here is what I would say. "We are getting married. We love eachother. We would honor your involvement, but will get married weather or not we have it. Our marriage is a single event and once it's done it's done. If you decide not to be involved, just promise us your decision is one you will not regret later."
As far as your parents. Let them know it would be different if you had to live with them and sleep in the same bed. This is not about them. This is not about her parents. And as far as having a new father and mother in law, there is a reason many guys are not jumping for joy when the inlaws come visit.
Take care. I wish you and your fiance a good future TOGETHER.
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