A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Dear Cupid, I'm in a LD relationship with a man I met at a speed dating event in September 2013. Five to six months later, we're still going strong and he's planning a visit to my home state in two weeks. In Jan 2014, I spent six days with him and those days were amazing. Doing so confirmed what I already knew, that we are meant to be together. We're extremely committed to each other: we've drafted up a visiting schedule to take turns seeing each other every two months, even if it's for the weekend. I think the "every two month" visit will give us bonding time while getting to know each other's families before making any sort of concrete moves. We want to give this a year first to see if it's still worth it. If so, then I've decided to move for him because it'll be a great career move for me also. I work in the legal/journalism industry, and both ventures could lead to great opportunities in his home state which is NYC. Prior to meeting him, NYC was a place I had always wanted to try. I have friends/family who are supportive, and others aren't. Quite frankly, I've accepted this fact. Not everyone is going to be in my corner. My parents in particular have certainly downplayed this union for the simple fact that they don't believe in LDR's. I believe if two people are willing to work at it, it's foreseeable. They think I should date here while having this relationship from afar so that I'm not wasting my time. I'm not for that idea at all! I've decided that if me and my boyfriend can't make this work by this Fall, maybe we should reanalyze our LDR relationship to see if it's worth keeping. Do you agree with my parents that I should date guys here and have this relationship or am I on the right path?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2014):
 So would you move to NYC for your career even if he was not there? IF so then, make it so.
If you need to have a man there to make the move easier, then by all means use that too.
I did an LDR with my now husband for a year. It was supposed to be two years but we could not bear to be apart. So he moved sooner rather than later. Guess what... even with seeing each other 3 out of 7 nights while LDR, moving in together showed our true colors and it's not so easy.
WHEN you move to NYC do NOT move in with him. Get a roommate or two and have your own place. Give it another year of regular NORMAL dating before you make your choice to progress...
LDRs are hard. And when you move and are NOT LDR you may find that things are not as rosy and perfect as when you only have 3 or 4 days together every two months.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 March 2014):
I think you have everything sorted out and you are willing to work hard AND take the risk. I don't know you or your parents but I can say that LDRs do work out and at the same time, doesn't work out...just like any other relationship. It's your life and you should be able to love who ever you want. I think you can make it work but if it doesn't at least you tried. If it does work out, come back and tell us, would love to hear how it turns out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Me and my now fiance were in a LDR for 1 year. We would talk everyday though and truely love each other so we made it work. As long as you both stay faithful and care about each other and not give up it could work. His parents had a problem with it too but he din't listen to them and now were living together and have a baby on the way. It just depends on if you guys are both willing to put in effort. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): You've realized after 6 days that you are meant to be with someone? Fair enough.
Also saying that people aren't in your corner because they are sceptical about things is a bit confrontational don't you think? To me it says they're even more in your corner because they're being protective of you, if your attitude is the typical American thing of you're either with me or against me then you're only going to alienate the people who truly care about you.
I do agree with them about LDR's and I can see why they'd be suspicious. You've only been with him in person for 6 days, you're pretty much living in an online fantasy world of a very redacted version of a relationship. You speak of meant to be after only those 6 days, so yeah, there's a bit too much fantasy in this, OP, but that's no reason not to keep going and see what happens either.
OP don't be upset, don't try to force their view points and allow them to be protective without being combative about it. Keep going with this relationship you have and see what happens. If after a year things are going well then you can use it as a base to forward your career by moving to a different city. If it doesn't work out then you'll at least have the time there to build yourself up to the point where can just find another place to live.
I do think this is an opportunity not worth wasting. I'd definitely keep going with it as means to further my career. of course I wouldn't hold onto the relationship just for that reason, but I would take the risk of moving with him because you never know. But be realistic, OP. The fact you had a great time for the few days you actually got to see each other in person means nothing, you attaching that much significance to the warm glow of intimacy with a guy you've wanted to be with in person for a long time is a dangerous fantasy that can bite you on the ass.
Of course those few days were going to be amazing, you've had months of build up to it. It's a very different prospect dating face to face and being around each other regularly and only then can you say if you're truly compatible with a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Yes, I strongly agree with your parents. If you're making a career move; then uprooting your life is one thing. You're moving to be closer to a man. NYC of all places. Where rent even for a rat's nest, will cost you a fortune. I also agree with them about LDR's.
I've heard all the stories, and listened to everything said in defense of them. I've lived a long time. I've seen a lot. I know most don't turn out the way people want them to. Just the posts we get here are a drop in the bucket; even though they flow in by the day in the hundreds.
As for moving to NYC? So many dreams are dashed; because people didn't plan on the realities of that life. If you have a job waiting, already know where you're going to live, and a Plan B. You may survive. Just expect it to be fast-paced, people not to be so neighborly, and transportation to be a pain in the ass. I love NYC. I can always leave it. Return to a lovely home, and an easier life. After a play, a night of entertainment, day of shopping, or just an aimless day-cation. I know that city. I know what's beneath the shiny surface.
Your parents are going to keep you centered. You don't fool me with how you've got the visiting-plan all set and whatever. You are making a big move that will require a lot of adjustments; that will have an impact on your life and relationship. City-life brings a lot of stress. You won't be in Kansas anymore Dorothy!
You aren't the least bit prepared for built-in surprises and unforeseen disappointments. You're centering your life around being with a man. You're falling in-love. That's the trickiest part of all of this. The LDR is the motive behind all of this. It is a lot riskier than a person to person, face to face, relationship. It demands a lot more trust.
You are doing this with the maximum of emotion and a minimum of logic. That's what your parents and I see.
You're not moving to a little apartment at the end of a quite street. You are moving to New York City.
It's one thing establishing a relationship after the fact, with all the complications of being a transplant out of the way. It's a lot to take on, when you are starting a new job.
Which might not workout the first few tries. You may not find the openings in your field as plentiful or as easily accessible as hoped.
Making your mark and finding your place will demand a lot of time and effort. You will need the money in order to afford a decent place to live. You will probably need roommates. Limited space and privacy will dictate your comings and goings.
You are looking for work in a dog-eat-dog, highly competitive field of work.
OOOOOOhhhhh,do I agree with your parents!!! Using your career to legitimize and reinforce a drastic move; isn't going to camouflage the underlying truth. It's all about a man.
If he doesn't workout. The reality is, you'll still be living in NYC. Not the place you want to be left alone with a broken-heart or broken dreams. So you better be on your best game.
You better put your career front and center; because it will be essential to your survival. Whether he works out or not. You can't just pull up stakes and run home. Unless you already live in the state of New York. Unless you are a wealthy young woman, then the risk is minimal. You will always have a cushion to fallback on. Your parents may be reluctant to be that cushion, if they don't believe in what you're doing.
Long-distance relationships are based on mostly hope and a prayer. There is no reality to them; until you both are finally together. After that, comes the challenge of determining how good it really is, and if he is truly your compatible mate.
Best of luck to you, in any case!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Neither :).
I am skeptical about LDRs in general. You need to know people IRL to have a chance to figure them out, by e-mail and phone we all are wonderful loving exceptional and fascinating. A weekend together every two months is better than nothing and it keeps things grounded in reality and just out of the fantasy realm, but, let's face it, at the end of the day in one year you would have spent 6 weekends together and that , IMO, is not safe ground enough to up and relocate, and decide yeah it's gonna be forever. BUT : luckily, you are not changing your life just for this guy, or at least this guy is the key to an intelligent move for your career and future. You'll be in a place that you have always wanted to visit , or to live in, and an excellent place for pursuing a career in your chosen field. So, even if it does not work out with the guy, the move in itself sounds good and you'll have something profitable from this experience anyway.
So no, personally I don't think you are on the right path- but it does not sound so wrong either, might as well give it a try :). As for the dating guys at home, uh, how that would even work ? Aren't you and this LDR guy committed / exclusive ? Aren't you boyfriend and girlfriend ? ... So, why would you date other guys while having a relationship with him ? Would not that be cheating ? Not because a person lives far away that makes cheating on him / her acceptable, and frankly I am surprised that your parents would want to give you this kind of message. But, I must have misunderstood something , maybe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): You are on the right path, and this is your decision. Your parents should respect your choices. They should support you. My mum and step dad met in another country at a wedding. they were bf and gf for 7 years and got married. my step dad has now moved to the uk, and it's like a fairytale, and we're living happily ever after. so, i think you're on the right path. if my mum and step dad can do it, so can you! we had every member of my mum's family turned against us 'cos of my mother's decision to be with my step dad, and my step dad's family had turned against him. lucky for you, you've got some part of your family that accepts your decision. Maybe you should try talking to your parents. Tell them that you love them and you always will, and you understand why they're upset, but you're an adult now, and you can make your own choices. Explain to them that you need them to accept that and support you. but bear in mind, you'll still be a little girl in your parents' eyes. it's like that with me. my mum and my step dad are both very protective of me. they treat me like i'm still that naive little 5 year old!
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