A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:im stuck in a love triangle between two girls that are friends. one of these girls I have a strong attraction to and she has an attraction to me, but her friend likes me also. this leaves me and the girl im attracted to in the most horrible of situations because we both want each other but don't want to hurt the feelings of the other party who has an attraction to me.how can I get the relationship I want without having a large impact on the other party in this situation? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): It depends on your/their loyalties. I had a similar situation a long time back and I chose not to go ahead with it. I dated neither and went and found someone else. I had been close friends with both of them and they were closer friends to each other than I was to either of them. I was not going to jeopardise their friendship just to get my dick wet when there were plenty of other women around with no ties I could date.
They're still best friends now, both with their own husbands and families, and I'm still friends with both of them although our lives have gone in different directions.
You see it wasn't so bad for them to see me with another girl because they had each other to console each other, going through the same thing. If I'd chosen to date one and we both hurt the other then frankly not only would it have completely soured the relationship through guilt but in hindsight it may have ruined a friendship between two women who are platonic soulmates.
Base your decision on loyalties and effects. They're both going to be hurt if they don't have you but is it a situation where the girl who may be hurt the most if you do get with this other one is too valuable as a friend to lose?
As other's have said, maybe it's fine to date this one and the other will be fine with it eventually and everything will go fine. Who knows you may even lose both of them if you choose neither because being friends with someone you like is almost impossible.
If they have a friendship that's too important to ruin, then you dating this other girl is just going to be crap anyway because you'll both just feel it's wrong. If your loyalty extends mainly to the one who you're not mad about then you can't betray her by getting with her friend.
OP it's complicated, and there are too many variables here. Depending on loyalties it either will it or it won't be fine to go with her. You also have to figure out how much this other likes you, she may only have a wide-on for you and think you're hot but not actually be really into you if you know what I mean. Just take a little more time and keep your eye on other women too, if an opportunity arises go for a neutral.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 Your post gives your age as 26-29... is this accurate?
If so I think both you and the girl you would like to date are making a big deal out of a minor problem. What you describe is the sort of thing that's absolutely devastating to friendships and interpersonal relationships... among teenagers.
As adults most women have figured out that you can't make someone love you, and that interest in dating someone is no guarantee they'll feel the same way.
This girl who has unrequited like for you won't want to see you with her friend - of course she won't. But she won't want to see you with anyone else, either. Unless you are planning on staying single for potentially years to protect her feelings, you would be wasting a chance to date someone you do like.
The ONLY thing I can think of that would change things is if you and this 'third wheel' friend have some sort of past romantic or sexual history together that you haven't mentioned here. Dating your friends' friends is one thing; dating your friends' EXES is definitely another.
Otherwise, I agree with female anon. Go for it.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): I say go for it.
As a girl, the "girl code" I know is not to date any of your friends' exes. That's something I would never dream of doing and something my friends would never do to me.
However, if I was merely attracted to someone ("oh, I think that guy is cute"), and my friend dates him, I wouldn't really have a problem with it, because obviously it wasn't meant to work out between the two of us. And then I would just be happy for her!
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