A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, this is gonna sound silly to allot of people who have the freedom of their lives but this is a big problem for me!I'm 20 years old and I live at home and am in my first year of university. I have a uni home and a family home and my family are amazing nice people but they are Arab Muslims which makes my life hell. They are not strict, I don't wear a scarf neither does mum and I wear open clothes but there is a constant fear in my home! I can only hang out with girls they approve of which is very little and I can only go to restaurants and cinema I cant go to bars or clubs or anywhere past 10 and my dad is always suspicious and calling me and screaming at me to come home! I cant go out with my friends because they only go out at night so I'm always at home doing nothing or I will go for a coffe once in a while, I'm constantly in fear of angering my dad, I cant find a boyfriend because if my dad found out he would kill me well he would lock me up and take me out of university. I recently got dumped by someone who loved me because he said he did not want to deal with my family and get me hurt! I do not feel like a young girl, I feel like a nerd. I wanna dress up and go out and have fun and be out Saturday and Friday night and not have people judging me and pitying me and leaving me behind. If I moved out my dad would break apart my whole family and hunt me down. If I ever went out and was wearing something to short he would scream and threaten me to come home and I drive home shaking from fear and he will rattle the house until I agree with him! I love my family and they love me. I'm a good girl, a smart girl but I want out and soon because my life is wasting and I'm getting into deep depression! If you think I'm being stupid please don't reply, I just want good advice!
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moved out, muslim, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Thank you so much all of you every comment got me thinking hard I will try a lot of things and maybe get some help to keep happy while I'm here! Thanks so much
xxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): I understand that you are suffering at home and you want a free life. But the only way to choose the best decision is to sit down with your family in a peaceful time and talk about this situation. I know that you want your parents to understand you but have you understood your parents and why they have choused these decisions?
When they told you to only hang around with girls, is it because they did not want you to have a bf? And when they told you not to have a bf, is it because they were afraid you might do ..”stuff”… that is not supposed to be done. Because doing ...”that”... might cause you a lot of problems like maybe pregnancy or not concentrating on your studies.
I believe that they make those choices to protect you and to prevent you from doing the same mistakes the world makes about relationships. But, seriously, the best way is just to talk and understand your parents first, and then make them understand you and hopefully that will make life a bit easier. I know my solution may sound problematic but it is worth giving it a try.
Do make the correct choice and hopefully that choice would be the right one.
Best wishes,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Try and get professional help before you get depression!
Try and talk to your dad, or at least talk a little to your mum and see what she can do to help.
My parents interpretation of their faith was very restrictive on me to, so i can see were your coming from. Have you tried talking to an elder at your mosque (apologise for the spelling) that might be more open minded to the situation?
Don't run away, don't leave, pray, pray, pray but don't get bogged down with peer pressure.
I would still be in a similar situation if my parents hadn't sent me to uni. At least you want to get out - I didn't want to leave for fear for my brother.
Try and get your dad's stand point on everything - why wont he let you out past ten?
Clubs aren't everything, its only a good night out if your with good friends. Unless you like laughing at all the drunks. No alcohol has its good points.
Keep praying - God loves you, so does your family.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): YOU ARE 20!!!!! IT IS YOUR LIFE!!! dont let them treat you like this move out and dont look back. your dad CANNOT lock you up,CANNOT stop you wearing so and so etc. tell him to mind his own bloody buisness! religion means nothing1 this is mental abuse considering your age. do yourself a favour move in with a friend cut off all contact with your family who HAVE NO RIGHT to hunt you down and if they try CALL THE POLICE! good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): You need to explain that you are are upset to your Dad at least try and have an adult to adult conversation rather than parent child. Explain that you do not wish to disrespect him and understand his views but that you wish to negotiate some more time with friends and that you wish to do this within the boundaries of your faith and you would like him to trust you more and that you want to demonstrate maturity. By showing maturity in your approach rather than rebelling outright you will demonstrate you have grown up. At the moment he is still treating you like a little girl because that way he can control your life. By showing him repsect and that ultimately you want him to be proud of you he will understand, hopefully, that you are unhappy living the way you are at the moment. Like a bird with clipped wings. Surely he does not want you to be unhappy? Please try this approach first. If after a couple of months there has been no change or he digs his heels in I think you need to consider getting professional advice, particular to your religious beliefs, on how you might live more independently and still enjoy university and adulthood.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): I suspect that the only useful advice you can get would come from someone who's lived what you're living -- that is, another girl in a Muslim home in the U.K. Someone who has already successfully managed to what you want. And you're unlikely to find that here. Perhaps you could discreetly search for a local agency that provides support to women in your situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): with your parents being muslim I am not sure that much of what you will say can help.. The fact that they are not so strict is good. But I doubt if you would be able to change their entire way of life through conversation. my point is dear one that you are under their roof...
Im sorry to say that. . ( i sound like my parents :P )
and when under their roof it is their rules...
I understand you want to go out and have fun and do all the things a young woman such as your self should be doing but with their rules you cant.
for two reasons... sanity and safety (fear of getting beaten)...
you do have a choice though, you could transfer to another university (if they do not pay the bill that is) cause I doubt they would approve of that...
or you could just move out and get your own place... this is america.
the other option is simple---stay put abide the rules until graduation and then move out.
please weigh all of your options carefully and plan wisely no matter what your decision or what road you take.
It sounds to me the muslim life is not the life that you are choosing for your self and getting out may be much harder than you could expect.
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A
female
reader, cherry cherry boom boom  +, writes (16 June 2009):
Talk to your father let him know how you feel inside hopefuly it helps. This ya girl.
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A
female
reader, B6  +, writes (16 June 2009):
Uhm... just a question, can you sleep over a friends? one of those who they approve, you know... like, the oldest friend or something... if you can you might go out... or try to, and I believe you should't think how your father will react if you do this or that, or maybe... think about it, but think also in how you will respond to his reaction, trying not to hurt him or anyone in your family, but thinking about yourself too. I'm in a simylar situation, my family is not muslim or anything but they ARE strictand always wanting me to be with them, i sometimes feel like they're trying to guide my life somehow... but like two weeks ago i got tired of that xD I told them and yes, they got hurt, but I'm proving to them that everything I told them is true, that I can make my own decitions too and have a life, and not because is not the life they want for me it's bad. I know is not the same cuz yours is muslims and all but, you should try to tell them... maybe talking first to a sister, an aun... your mum... i don't know... a women in your family you trust in and ask her how you can talk to your dad about how you feel...
Good luck :)
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