A
male
age
30-35,
*ntPain
writes:Ok i know what everyone is going to say but i genuinely hate my mum.She walked out on my and my sister about a year ago to be with another guy leaving my dad with all her mountains of debt and responsibilty for the both of us.She apparently left due to neglect from my dad, but i recently found out that she had had numerous affairs. Initially i felt like i hated them both, but my dad has so made up for any bad thing he has ever done; however the hate for my mum has never gone away.I dont get on with her at all, but she insists on seeing me almost every weekend even though i dont want to go and if i refuse she phones my dad and has a go at him until i feel so guilty that i have to go.Whenever i see her, we get into an argument and she constantly brings in subjects which have nothing to do with it. For instance, i said that i was going out with my girlfriend one day...she kept me at hers for an extra 3hours so my time with her was cut in half and our date was ruined. When it came to an argument about it she said she was making up for lost time and she just wants to see me.I mean come on...shes the one that walked out. Why the hell should i have to go see her when she left?Im 17, in sixth form, have a girlfriend i love, a bustling social life and starting a life of my own. My problem is i dont want her in it, and if i do then i want it to be on my terms without her going crazy 24/7.I want to get rid of her without troubling my dad and sister, i think its my right as a young adult to make my own choices.At the moment, i feel like she is the only thing bad in my life.....i want it gone.What should i do?
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female
reader, chloeapple +, writes (25 February 2010):
You are right to feel this way. It's natural, its normal. I know you know that there is stuff between your mum and dad that you will never know, try to understand that relationships never fall apart because of one person's behaviour. But that is not why you're angry. You're angry because, to you, it feels like she woke up one day and decided she didn't want to be in your family anymore. Alot of the feedback expresses frustration at your inability to identify with your mum at the moment- but again, its hard to feel for someone who has hurt you. I ask the other contributors- how has his mother tried to understand how HE is feeling? Having got into another relationship so quickly is thoughtless to the feelings of her children, at east being open about it is. Yes, of course she has a right to be happy, but not more than her kids do. How much work has she put in to make sure that they were ok when the family they always knew crumbled under their feet? How much reassurance were they given so they knew she was leaving him, not them? Not a whole heap it sounds.My advice to you is this: talk to your mum. Very calmly and carefully. Tell her how you feel. Don't blame her, don't get angry. Explain that you are frustrated at HOW she has done this. That you do want her to be happy (because you do, deep down, you're just really, really angry at the moment) but you want to be able to feel ok about all this and you don't. In her defense, (because by god, she needs one) Sometimes, when we realise we aren't happy and we are getting older, we need to do something drastic to get a hold on our lives. This happens to almost everyone at some point. Tell her you are trying to get your head around it but it will take time, and she needs to give you a little room to chill (with your girlfriend, friends etc) because you need time to be away from the whole thing (not specifically her), tell her you are missing your old family unit, and that it will take time to adjust. If you need space, you need to ask for it, but she will only give it to you if you can reassure her that you love her, and you can only do that if you feel it, and you will only feel it if you talk to her openly and honestly. If it helps, remember that you are only just learning about relationships, and they are so much more complex than you think.Its a tough situation and i feel for you. There is no excuse for selfishness, but remember, she doesn't have to apologise for you to forgive her. If you can, you life will be much happier, smoother, and she will act less crazy.Take care kiddo xx
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Your mom reaped what she sowed.She probably felt guilty and wanted to spend more time with you .
Unfortunately , you are no longer a small boy and you cannot go back in time.
She needs to respect you and your choices. She cannot treat you like a little boy anymore.
If she cannot agree with you , you need to stand your ground.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Ok, ..so one day, down the track, you are married, have a couple of kids, feel your needs/wants are not being met by your wife, your miserable, your living the life everyone else expects of you, no one is caring what you actually want for yourself, you feel taken for granted ....and then along comes a chance of happiness with another, .... they make you feel good about yourself, young, alive again, you feel special, appreciated, adored, loved, wanted, attractive, etc, etc, ...
...what are you going to do? Stay in an existance that is devoid of norishing one's soul, ... or get out there seek the happiness that we are all entitled to?
You are obviously and naturally very hurt but I think you may understand a bit better when you get a bit older.
I know I was dirty as hell on my mum when she left my dad, (and I treated her like utter filth coz I lost all respect for her) ...but I was a kid, I did not know the full story, nor did I have an adult perspective. She left, my dad was unhappy, that is all I saw, and the reasons seemed pretty irrelevant to me. She would never admit it, but I am pretty sure she was cheating on my dad for a few years too - with his best mate, and his boss!
Now tho, a bit older and wiser and with a bit more insight in to my parents incompatibility, I can understand why she was looking for something else, and think she is mad for not having bailed out way sooner. She only stayed as long as she did because of me. In one perspective she may be construed as a cheating bitch / selfish bitch (or whatever) ...on the other, she was sacrificing her happiness for mine (until I was out of primary school) so I can hardly blame her if she did grab a little bit for herself on the side.
This not a negative reflection on my dad either. He was a cool guy, fun, kid at heart, super popular, outgoing, and one of my best friends. He was just not right for my serious and very proper mother. The good thing is tho, my mum has been remarried for 20 years to someone even more anally retentive than herself and happy with her lot in life. My dad died way too soon during the past year, ..but he too got over his initial hurt, anger, resentment, etc, and also spent the last 20 years of his life in a relationship on his page that made him happier than he ever was with my mum. So good on my mum for calling it quits - she not only reclaimed her own happiness, ...but made my dad free to find the love of his life too.
Wouldn't you love to see your dad with someone who gives him his real spark back? Would you want him to stay in a so-so relationship when he could have an awesome one? One day you may just decide your mum did him a favour.
As for visiting your mum - I don;t advise cutting her out completely, esp coz your view on this situation may change, ..but you will be 18 in less than a year, an adult, and should not have to answer to your parents so much for your choices. Just tell your mum that you have a social life, a girl, and she needs to understand that you are a young adult, have a life of your own that you need to live, and can't do that if you are spending every weekend with her instead of socializing with your peers and partner.
If she wont come at that then perhaps tell her that if she wants quality time with you, let you come when you feel inclined to want to hang out with her, ... not when you are turning up under duress and already on the back foot about feeling forced and having had to drop all else to accomodate it.
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