A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I be never dated before because I wasn't allowed to. I also went to an all girls school and now attend community college. My parents said since they're paying I have to commute from home and if I make good grades and get my associate, I can transfer it to the college of my choice. i hate that because I feel like i have too little freedom, but I can see why it's reasonable. They ARE paying. I do hate having to show my grades, class schedule, silibi, and papers but anyone can want to know what they are paying for. That actuality helped me once bc a teacher once graded me unfairly and since my mom is a teacher, she picked up on it right away and wrote a letter of complaint which I signed. I got my grade changed to a B. :-) I'm also butt-hurt that that they won't let me take yoga and psychology of sex as my electives because most of my classes are already decided for me (I'm double majoring in Businesses Communication and HR). They also told me that while I can be involved in one activity, I CANNOT do Gay Straight Student Alliance or Democratic Student Union. So I take study skills and photography as electives and am using Campus Crusade for Christ as an activity.That's the problem. This guy in Campus Crusade is also in my photography class. He wants to be a modeling agent. He's a good person! All his pictures are VERY modest, the "worst" pictures I've seen are where women are leaning back in a chair with their ankles crossed. He takes pictures of women of all shapes and sizes and ages and welcomes ppl into his studio. He is not only making money for himself, he is also advertising custom made clothes. His granny makes hats and purses, his auntie makes scarves and jewelry. His cousin makes dresses and skirts. I wanted to model for him because it would help them out and because not only would I get paid for each shoot, I would also get nice discounts on everything. Problem is, my parents are REALLY against modeling. They think it objectifies women. While that could happen, Marius would never do that. Also, I like him. I have gone on some coffee dates or to the art museum (we both like sculptures, modern art, abstract art and Native American art). If I can't help him advertise through modeling I want to ask him out.But my parents still say no to dating. That, and he's African American. So what do I do? I really like him, he really likes me and I've met his family. They like me too and his sister thinks we should date. Can I go against them and sneak-date him anyway? What happens when I transfer to KYSU for my bachelor degree? Would long distance be too hard?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Do you want to lose your support because of some random guy you met? Your parents don't sound cruel, even if they are overprotective. But I don't like the idea of modeling either. What will he really do with your pics?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Showing responsibility earns your parent's trust. However; in the case of over-protective parents, their concern is more of a matter of control. My speculation is you're an only child, or one of perhaps two children. They don't have enough distractions to take their hands off the controls by having other siblings to be concerned with. Like many over-zealous conservative parents, they worry you'll get pregnant the minute they take their eyes off you.
Never do things behind their backs. People that controlling will always use the purse-strings to manipulate; or place so many restrictions on your movements, you'll become totally submissive and intimidated. So you have to show some maturity and tell them that you appreciate their concerns; but respectfully remind them you are becoming an adult, and they have to allow you to catch-up psychologically with the other people your age. They are stifling your maturity by trying to keep you in junior high. It's almost neurotic. At least by your description of things.
We have to give them some benefit of the doubt; because young people your age tend to paint parents in the worst way. Especially parents who have trouble letting go.
You have to show some independence, but not defiance. You do that by laying out a good educational plan and discussing it with them. Show them you have goals and prove you can meet them.
I think it's fair that they've given you a goal and offered to let you make your own choice after proving responsibility and focus on your studies. You'll get to choose where you want to go after the first two years. That time-frame is the most crucial period in academics; because that's when many drop-out, get carried away with partying, or too obsessed with dating and sex. Worst case scenario, also a parent's worst nightmare; experimentation with alcohol and drugs.
If you make it through their probationary-period, it is likely you'll fare well through the rest of your academic career.
You're still at an impressionable age from 18-21. They just want to be sure they get their money's worth, and get you through at least two years. There are a lot of adjustments you have to make. When they can feel you've matured enough to handle it on your own; they'll lighten-up. Academic achievement and good grades earns a lot of freedom and trust from parents; because they'll know you're dedicated, disciplined, and focused. If you just scraped by in high school, they're concerned about the money being spent.
Now you're talking about a guy, and that's going to be a distraction. If they tighten the reigns, it's pretty much for your own good; because mediocre grades mean you're not working hard enough, and you need to buckle-down. Nothing much we outsiders can tell you, when you're financially-dependent on your parents.
If you can earn scholarships, apply for grants, or take on some of your own educational expenses; you'll gain more independence. Until then, it's their way or the highway.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 April 2016):
Pay your own way and do as you wish, or take their money and do as they wish.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 April 2016):
 As long as they're paying... they get to set the rules. IF you aren't happy with the arrangements as they are, you can:
1. Appeal to your folks to relax, or alter, the rules, or,
2. Pay your own way and not worry about what they feel.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (14 April 2016):
Be honest with your parents. Don't go behind their backs. Also as an adult they can't really stop you dating can they? What'd the worst that could happen? What are you worried will happen when they find out?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 April 2016):
 I won't go against them. Your parents know what's good for you. The consequence of sneak dating Marius is that sooner or later your parents have to know. You have to look beyond what "No" means. Most parents are reasonable people and would come around and love him, and your future child. Some may have a problem and would not want their relatives to know about your relationship, and that you may have to live faraway from them to hide this. You can say it's two against the world, once you make your own money but your child will have a better life if he/she is closely connected to your extended family.
Long distance is hard if you will be one or two states apart. It's doable if you are already committed, and there's love in between you to hold it together. To start it off long distance when you have doubts about your family accepting him, is very difficult. I don't think it's worth it.
If I were you I would just concentrate on my studies. You pay for your own studies with your surrendered freedom as currency.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 April 2016):
 I don't think that you should sneak behind your parents back, at the end of the day they are trying to give you the best start in life, and they don't want a man distracting that. I can see their point of view but I can also see why this is difficult for you as well. You want to live a normal life, you are an adult at the end of the day so you can make these decisions yourself.
If you want to date this guy and be his model well then that is your choice, your parents cant control what you do, you need to be honest with them though and tell them. If they refuse to pay for your school then maybe there is a grant or scheme that you can apply for that can help you and you will then be on your own two feet and living a full adult life.
Yes long distance might be difficult next year but my advice at the moment is to take every week as it comes.
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