A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a married man for 10 years and he said that we could be together properly once the children were off his hands,but we split up due to me being bored with the situation....anyway I met someone else and although I don't love him I like him a lot , anyway my lmarried lover contacted me again saying he missed me and wanted me back.....but I told him about my new boyfriend and he just burst into tears....crying uncontrollably and saying he loved me and felt his heart had been ripped apart.....I'm torn as to what to do?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2016):
 I hope your new beau is not married!
As for the married ex-lover, his loss really. He dangled a REAL relationship in front of you for 10 years, you finally decided that you wanted more than he was willing to give you and then you found HAPPINESS with someone else. It happens.
If you feel like you owe Mr. Married guy anything then I'd tell him that you couldn't put yourself and YOUR life on the shelf till he were able to REALLY share his life with you. That you wish him well.
Personally though, I'd block Mr. Married guy's number and leave HIM in the past. No need to look back, because that is NOT the way you are heading.
And the tears? Really? I think that was more him feeling sorry for himself more than anything. When he was seeing you he had his wife/family/marriage AND a mistress on the side... Life was about HIM. HIS pleasure, his ego etc. When you moved on you showed him that YOUR life doesn't revolve around HIM anymore. (which I think is good).
Mr. Married had 10 YEARS to grow a set and leave his wife IF he really LOVED you so much. He CHOSE not to. T use the kids as an excuse to stay married? Meeeh don't buy it. First it will be the kids turning 18, then finish college/Uni, then the kids getting married or having their 25 wedding anniversary... THERE will ALWAYS be an excuse for him to NOT leave his wife.
YOU did the right thing in putting yourself first.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Am sure after you both seeing each other for ten years there must be feelings on both parts, it would be hard not to have developed feelings after such a long time.
Look at the end of the day he took you for granted, he had the best of both worlds. I think using the children as an excuse is pathetic and cowardly. He knows now he has lost you and he wants you back, it is normal enough. He may feel heartbroken but maybe now he knows how it feels to be hurt. Something he was doing to his wife for a decade, only she was clueless. Some people say thats karma.
Look it is your choice if you want to go back to him and end things with your current guy, I wouldn't recommend it, because the married guy didn't say oh I will leave my wife once you told him you where bored, so in my eyes he choose her, he just doesn't want to see you with someone else because he is jealous and manipulative. Off course it is your choice and I hope you make the right one, because I would hate to see you leaving a relationship to go back to being the other woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): It is a form of manipulation to get you back. I am sure he does miss you and care about you in his way (how could you not after 10 years?) but if it was true love, he would have left his wife to be with you by now.
I, too am in a relationship with a married man for 3 years. It is still going strong after all this time. It's had some major up's and down's. It has to be the most difficult and most volatile relationship I have ever had. The highs are incredible and the lows are unbearable. It is a constant roller coaster ride. Now that the initial fog has worn off, it is much more difficult to sustain for me. I worry constantly that he will cheat on me. And this has put a real strain on our relationship. I question what I am doing with him. Because I am more deeply invested in him than he is in me. And it will always be that way. You do get tired of the situation and all the baggage. It makes you feel worthless and defeated. Just eats away your self esteem. As time goes on, you ask yourself is it worth it anymore? Do those small and fleeting moments of happiness constitute real happiness? Is this all you deserve in life? What kind of a life is this? I found I was thrilled in the moment with him (the sex is always out of this world) and yet miserable the rest of the time. Wanting to be with him but I couldn't. Hating that he went on trips with his wife. His kids are grown. But it is still difficult. It started out as fun and games. We had this undeniable attraction and chemistry. We still do. I mean, it is easier to maintain in an illicit relationship where you do not see each other everyday and therefore cannot get enough of each other. But can you live with half a relationship? Keeping it secret? Having to watch him pretend to the world that you are not important to him? Hiding you away like a secret he is ashamed of? I am not sure how you have put that worry aside in your relationship as trust issues do play a major role in this situation. He was capable of cheating on his wife and led a double life for so many years. What else is he capable of? He obviously is a very good liar and pretender to be able to pull it all off for this long and by avoiding detection. To this day, I wonder what my life would have been like had I not crossed that line.
I say leave him behind. It was probably difficult enough for you to move forward. Why go back to that? Start new. This new man may not be your forever guy and that's okay. But he will be a good distraction for you. A bridge to a better life. A good way to get over this married man. You know you need to do that. I know I do too. I am not ready yet. But I have been preparing myself for the day I need to say it's over. I know he won't. Why would he? He has a comfortable, willing woman at his side who is convenient for sex.
Your married man likes his both worlds. He finds that now with just his wife, his life is back to ho hum. He is missing that component of excitement with you. It's like an addiction. So he is in withdrawal. And needs the fix again. Trust me, if it is not you, he will find another woman eventually.
So, think long and hard. You have come so far. Why not keep moving forward? I think it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. LOVE yourself enough to do the right thing for your own well being. And that is leaving this soul sucking and self esteem destroying married man in the past. I applaud you on your choice to leave him and having the strength to do that. You still need to summon that strength right now. It is always so easy to relapse. And many do. But it will become a vicious, constant circle of pain and self destruction for years to come. It is the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to somebody we love. I know more than anyone. And I do not have your strength.... not yet.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Your married loved spent 10 years cowardly telling you he would be with you one day. If he wanted to be with you that badly he would do the decent thing and stop lying to his wife and separate. People with children separate every single day so the excuse of waiting for them to be "off his hands" is nonsense.
Your life does not go on hold waiting for the promise of 'one day'. That's not good enough and quite rightly you got bored of that situation and seriously well done to you for telling him that and leaving him.
I think you tell him you aren't putting your life on hold for promises of 'one day' and that he stops contacting you. If he's that in love with you and wanted a life together then he can get in touch when he's a single man and see how things go but until that day you're not interested and your not wasting your life when he is getting it all (a family life, you on the side etc...) because that's simply unfair to expect that of you.
Go for it with this new guy. Love isn't always an instant thing, you really like this guy and so take each day as it comes and be happy. Your ex needs to sort himself out, perhaps he cried because he's genuinely realising he's lost a woman he cared for but he should be done something about it sooner. Perhaps he's cried because he's so used to getting it all his own way that he couldn't handle the fact you are a stronger person he will ever be and that he won't get his own way anymore.
You really are better off right now, how free you must feel to not be someone's affair and reliant on seeing them around their wife. You keep being strong and don't give in.
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