A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long and I apologize but I have an issue. Anyway, I'm 21, ending my junior year of college, and I've been dating this amazing, intelligent, humorous man (also 21) for a year and two months. Even though I'm only 21, I feel like I wouldn't be wasting my time if I didn't think I would one day marry the guy. We've talked about it several times and our future plans coincide quite well. They include getting married by age 25 and having the first of our two intended children by 26.The real problem is that my parents do not approve of my boyfriend. At All. He used to be a huge pothead at his high school and nearly dropped out because his dad died and his mom went into severe depression but his older sister refused to see him fall that way. He stayed in school, got clean, and kept up his amazing GPA and got a full ride soccer scholarship to the college we're going to now. You'd think my parents would overlook his not so shiny past and see all that he's accomplished... but no. And my best friend (whom is a guy) does not help matters.Our parents have known each other since they were babies themselves, so it was pretty much unavoidable to grow up with this guy. But he's always been my rock, the guy I cried on the shoulder of, my date to literally every school dance... but he's also always been like a brother to me. There were a couple times in the past when he and I wondered but we'd kiss and it would get super awkward; especially for me. We even made a pact that if both of us were virgins by age 21, we would lose it to each other. (I lost it at age 19, he at age 20.) Getting to the point, both our parents wanted us to have that happily ever after together. But I'm not feelin' it.Back to my boyfriend and I. He really is a great guy and I love him to bits. Well before he and I ever even met, yeah he went through some trials and tribulations but who hasn't? He didn't permanently mess up his future (he went through drug counseling to get a smudge off his record and has been clean for four years). He got his stuff together and now we're amazing. He treats me like a queen and is extremely respectful of me AND my family (even though my parents can be totally offensive to him). We all have the same religious and political beliefs, so it's not that. I just wonder how I can bridge the gap?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2013):
 nothing you can do to make them like him the way you want.
Time may help. and that's it.
My mom started dating my dad at age 16
At age 19 they wanted to get married. My mother's parents were upset and did not like my dad and they refused to even attend the wedding. My mother was true to herself and married my father in his parent's home with only her sisters there from her side of the family.
years later my grandmother said "I was so stupid... out of 3 son in laws, he turned out to be my favorite and he took better care of me (and my daughter and grandchildren) than the others did for their wives and kids.
You do not live your life as an adult to please your parents. You live your life as an adult to please yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): You can't OP, only time will do that. They may well see something in this guy that's not so amazing that you don't see because you're so in love with him, or it could be a thing of them not knowing him as well as you do.
Only time will tell if we will be a good long term partner OP, you're still in the honeymoon period, you're going to have be patient with them.
What you can do is let them know you won't tolerate them treating him badly, they don't have to like him but they do have to be polite and respect your choice here. They don't get to disrespect him because that's disrespectful to you.
OP you may think after a year he has nothing to prove to you anymore, but I can tell you as someone nearly twice your age that he still has a lot to prove. A year is nothing in terms of relationships OP. You don't really know a person after a year, you may feel you do but you don't. Only time will tell if this is going to work for you both and only in that time will your parents learn to accept him.
OP I say all this because you talk about being married to him at 25 and having babies at 26. I thought similar things but a hell of a lot happens in 5 years OP and you may not even be together next month, it only takes one mistake, who knows after the dust of the honeymoon settles you may even start fighting a lot, or become disinterested, no matter how implausible you may feel that is right now, you can't tell.
OP I take people's relationships seriously, but a 21 year old only a year with a guy who thinks everyone else should love him as much as you and already planning your life with him, I wouldn't take you seriously or him either. Come back to me in another year once the initial spark has tempered a bit, because it may well take that long for your parents to grow into liking him.
Don't try and make them OP, but don't tolerate disrespect of him either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): Dont let you parents dictate your life. It is you life and you make your own decisions. Tell them that he is who you want to be with and that it is not going to change and you are not going to choose between them because you love them and you love him. Ask them to keep their thoughts to their self or at least dont air them around you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 April 2013):
 You failed to mention whether or not your parents are aware of your current boyfriend's background or not. The advice changes very significantly based on whether or not they do.
1. Advice for if they do NOT know about your current BF's background:
If they don't know about him, then their approval is based solely on the fact that they pretty much picked out who they'd prefer to be your mate. It's the closest thing you can get to an arranged marriage when families grow up together and the parents discuss the two kids getting together before they could even walk or talk. If this is the case, then you need to sit down with your parents and explain to them exactly what you did with us, that kissing the longtime guy best friend felt like kissing a brother, and that you both don't have feelings.
2. If they DO know of your boyfriend's background:
I suspect this is actually the case here, and the only thing I can really recommend is continued patience and courtesy by both you and your boyfriend. Here's why:
If you both are in the early 20's (you are 21, so he's close, right?), it may feel like his pothead days are long behind him, but in the eyes of parents, 3 years doesn't qualify for "distant past", and they don't want to see relapse or a continued self-destructive path. Merely telling your parents that he's good now and has changed won't help. They must see, over time, his actions and his ambition and his maturity. It may be several years and maybe not even until you're already married before they thaw.
Also, if you and your boyfriend have any garden-variety arguments in the future, whatever you do, don't vent to your parents or anyone who reports to your parents, as this will confirm their suspicions that he's no good for you, even if you both make up and it was minor. You've already told your parents about his change. But remember, you're miles ahead of your parents emotionally...be patient, and they just might catch up.
Remember your parents goal is to see you with a good man who makes you happy, isn't a flake or a cheater or a druggie, and is going somewhere in life. The road to parental acceptance in this case is a marathon, not a sprint. Stay patient.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): I think you answered your own question:
"Getting to the point, both our parents wanted us to have that happily ever after together. But I'm not feelin' it."
While a history with drugs is definitely a "blemish" any parent would consider prior to giving their consent, the quote above probably overrides that.
You are 18-21. Why do you not openly ask your parents what their reasoning is? Tell them that regardless of how they feel, they are expressing it in a childish and impolite way and that you want to talk about it and completely clear the air.
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