A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I need advice. I recently told my parents that I am going to move out once I save enough money next year. They are now guilt-tripping me saying no one will be there when they die. I am the youngest of six and turn 25 soon. Surely one of my older siblings will be there for them. My parents are in their sixties. I am wanting to move on in life due to childhood trauma I endured in this house and they are not understanding. When the time comes, I want to just pack my bag and leave. What should I do if they try and stop me? My mom thinks I'm crazy for wanting a house of my own and my dad thinks I'm lying about the whole thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2020): Hello, OP here. Thank you very much for answering my post. I will keep it quiet until then when I am able to move out. I appreciate your feedback and insight.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (1 November 2020):
 I relate to your post so much.
Firstly, you're at a very reasonable age to be seriously considering moving out. Secondly, it isn't really their choice. I don't see how they could keep you from moving out if it's something that you feel that you need to do. Perhaps bringing it up this early is a mistake because now they have anywhere from a few-12 months to work on changing your mind. Which is only possible if you let their voices drown out your own thoughts and feelings. It seems as though they've already got to work with trying to get you to change your mind. Moving away does not mean that you probably will never check up on them, never to be seen of heard from ever again. I'm sure that isn't your intention.
It's pretty unfair for them to expect you to stay and go so far as to try to guilt trip you into staying. Most of our grandparents had full time jobs, a place of their own, a marriage and family at 25 (even way before that). Most of our parents had the same opportunities that our grandparents had, to go out into the harsh, cold world, discover themselves and grow. For some reason, our parents find it hard to set us free to figure it out and find ourselves like they did. Which is odd because we're asking for what they had; the opportunity to build ourselves up and actually be functioning adults like they expect us to be but often won't allow us to be. I've worked at companies where they would undermine my responsibilities at home because of my age and therefore justify paying me a wage that I could not live off of with the excuse "you're young... What responsibilities could you possibly have at your age" and the tone that accompanied such comments were incredibly condescending and rude. All the while, I had various financial responsibilities at home that left me basically penniless every month. Those that came before us thend to underestimate how much it takes to build oneself up nowadays and how the willingness to, should be accompanied by support rather than ridicule.
I commend you for being responsible enough to want to grow and evolve. It's time!
I do agree with honeypie that it was too soon to discuss it. You've given them plenty of time to try to change your mind. Now is the time to plan carefully and to buckle down and save up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2020):
 Keep your cards close to your chest.
You save up, you learn to budget, you plan and when things are right, YOU move out.
At 25/26 you are definitely ready to go out on your own.
It doesn't mean you can't still check up on them, does it?
I not only moved out at 18, I moved to a different country for work, for a year. It was awesome. I came back (stayed with my parents) for 4 months and then moved out on my own while going to college. I saw my parents for Sunday dinners ALMOST every Sunday after, occasionally they were away, occasionally I was.
It's absolutely "normal" to want a life and place of your own.
My advice is to not get into more conversations about it for now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): Just leave and get yourself some books on codependency. I’ve been there, moved out 2 years ago and my parents are 70 and thriving now. They may be upset for a second but at the end of the day who cares. This is your life, make it your own
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): At 20, let alone 25, you are old enough to do what you want with your life.If you have been sensible enough to save up so that you can change it and improve it then good for you, well done.What concerns me is that despite being 25 you talk as if you are a teenager, worried about your parents' reaction and lack of understanding. Their selfish and illogical reaction to what you told them is bothering you way too much. There is a very immature streak in you. For this reason I wonder if you really are grown up and really will be able to cope with moving out and living alone.You say you are moving out because of abuse when you were younger. This makes no sense at all. I was abused by my parents, which is why I got several jobs and worked all the hours God sent so that I could move out and get my own place as soon as possible - so I made sure I was able to do that at 16. Why does it take so long that you cannot do it before you are 25? It does not seem to me that you tried very hard or that it was urgent.Usually if someone has abused you you want to get away from them asap, you do not hang around and you certainly do not feel obliged to take care of them!Why would you want to take care of parents who abused you when they are older - that beggars belief.Your parents are only in their 60s, it will be a long time before they are old and need real help. And it is their responsibility not yours. They should be following a good diet, exercising, making sure they do not drink too much or smoke, making sure they prevent many of those problems.You are their daughter, not their nurse or carer.Even if they had treated you with great tenderness and care you would not be obliged to take care of them.But when you say they abused you it gets ridiculous that you would feel that you should.My mother - who had abused me a great deal when I was young - and where I had to escape asap - went into a home a few years ago. You do not see me rushing across the country to do errands for her, she does not deserve it and I have my own life to lead.A sensible person decides what is best for them and they only help and care for those who would do the same for them.It sounds as if you stayed with your supposedly abusive parents because it was cheaper than leaving, which is using them as a convenience, if it had been real abuse and awful abuse I promise you that you would have made sure you were able to leave years before you turn 25.You are tied to their apron strings, too insecure in yourself, too needy, to be able to just leave and get your own place.You need to develop a much stronger backbone and sense of strength before you can, you probably need the help of a therapist who deals with such things and it would be better for you to invest some of your savings in that.Otherwise you will either keep making excuses not to leave or leave and end up returning.
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