A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I recently unfriended a girl I had a strong crush on. I think she had a big crush on me also which makes me confused.We both were in relationships and were up front that we were, just general chit chat at first which led to this conversation. We met in class.My relationship has been on the rocks for a couple of years but I never disclosed this. As far as she knew we were great. I only talked about the positives. I never made a move because I want her to be happy and I presume she is happy in her relationship. Her eye contact and body language, although reserved and controlled, I could tell she liked me. I ufriended her to take back control of my own emotions and head space and it has worked exactly as I wanted it to. But this was the only way she could ever contact me and I cut it. I am in in conflict with my feelings about this. I feel like I made the right choice but also the dumbest thing I have ever done. Have I made the right choice and where do I go from here? Will I ever know if she was really interested?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): I'm going to have to keep this one short. You have to undo the relationship you're in; before you go pursuing another. Why are you holding-on to relationship that has been in trouble for two years? If you're that indecisive and she's trading stares while still in a relationship herself; all I see coming of this are two people looking to cheat on their partners. How gracious of you to unfriend her as a second-thought. After eye-balling her so hard...claiming you were reading her body-language and all that. Dude...seriously?!!
It could have all been wishful-thinking on your part to start with. Eye-contact and stares don't mean diddly-squat. I stare back at people staring at me! I'm not attracted to 80 year-old women, or pot-bellied old bigots staring me down trying to figure-out what race I am! You can misread body-language. She might have been completely uncomfortable and self-conscious knowing you're gawking at her with sex on your mind. That's what all this is about anyway.
I think you need to deal with your present relationship; before concentrating on how other people feel about you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): I can see why you are in two minds about this . But being honest you did the decent thing . It also has given you space to either focus on mending your relationship or dissolving it .Another factor is some girls are just friendly . I know I am . But it doesn't mean I want anything . Other guys may be attractive and it's always a compliment if they feel you are as well . But that doesn't mean she seen you in any light other than a friend . She in a relationship and you have one to figure out .. again I will add, you did the "right thing "
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): You did the right thing, OP. Don't ever question that. I am impressed by your strength of character and maturity at your young age. There are seriously men who are way older than you who are not capable of the integrity and maturity you have just shown. It was probably best not to have opened the door for a crush to begin or even thrive by talking to her on social media. The level of technology out there these days makes cheating so very easy. I understand your current relationship has been on the rocks and you felt vulnerable. Moving forward you do need to address your current relationship. Two years is a very long time to be on the rocks without having a conversation about the issues or resolution. You need to approach your gf and ask to talk to her. Tell her you're not happy and why. If you both still care about each other, you can work through it and this other girl will be a thing of the past. Sometimes crushes van seem so strong and it isn't the person themselves, it's the fantasy of someone rescuing you from an unhappy relationship. It's feeling those butterflies again. And having someone interested in you all over again. You know, that initial infatuation stage where your brain is flooded with hormones. That feel good stage. I think you just wanted to feel good and feel wanted. This girl was providing that FIX. If you understand that she was there at the time to show you that you need to work on your relationship or leave it. She came into your life for a reason. To show you something wasn't right with your current girl. And that needs to be worked out. And something isn't right with you either. Replacing a long term partner because someone new comes along and you're infatuated with the newness isn't how relationships are conducted. We all may find someone else attractive but we don't entertain or facilitate crushes. Crushes are usually very fleeting and die off on their own as the intensity eventually diminishes. You just have to give it time and space. Crushes seem all consuming at the time but 6 months or 6 years later we can't believe we actually felt that way. If she has a bf too and was flirting with you then ask yourself if that's the kind of a girl you'd leave a long term relationship for? Sometimes everything we want is right in front of us but we don't nurture it enough. Instead seeking something new or better. But what often happens is we had the best all along. We had to lose it to realize it. So think long and hard about what to do moving forward with your relationship. Start with a serious conversation with your current gf. Decide if you want to stay together and work it out. Or move on. But please don't contact the other girl no matter what you do. Stand by your original decision. You did the right thing. If you interfered in her relationship and was receptive to you, I think you'd always wonder if eventually some other guy would come along and she'd flirt with him too when she got tired of you. Relationships without trust will cause misery, anxiety and feelings of low self worth and helplessness. Relationships without trust will always fail. Do things the right way. Talk to your gf. Leave this girl in the past. If you end up single, work on building your life all on your own. And let her be. If you find each other again down the road when you're both single, you can see whether your feelings for each other are the same. Sometimes they aren't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2020):
 I agree with Code Warrior,
IT DOESN'T MATTER!
What does matter is that YOU did the right thing.
If you are still dating someone else, either FIGURE out how to make it work well again, or END it. Don't leave your GF in limbo.
If you end up breaking up, TAKE a while being single.
If she is still seeing HER BF, don't try and contact her to "confess your feelings".
When you find yourself crushing on and developing emotions for someone WHILE having a partner or THEY have a partner (of BOTH of you have a partner) the RIGHT thing is to cut that contact. Because if you let it continue it can create more drama and bad behavior, such as cheating.
Don't second guess your actions. Or whether to contact her.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (1 November 2020):
 I guess that now you have deleted her you are never going to know the answer to that question.
You have deleted her, I don't see the point in wondering if she was interested or not. Maybe she was, but all we have to go on is her body language and eye contact.
Your relationship has been on the rocks for a couple of years, why did you not end the relationship and find out more about her relationship and situation. She might very well have been in a relationship on the rocks too, or not even with anyone anymore.
I get the impression from your post that you want to re-establish contact.
You went to the same class, is there no way you could find contact here?.
On your phone, look at missed calls, or old text messages or emails. Or archived what's app chats.
But I would not advise pursuing anyone while still in a relationship. If your going to pursue anyone its best to end things with your current relationship. Alternatively be prepared to walk away if she is happy in a relationship as well.
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