A
female
age
30-35,
*icky2727
writes:Dear Cupid, My parents are constantly criticizing me. My dad has been physically abusive in the past but now that has ceased and hes verbally abusive to me constantly. We don't always see eye to eye on style and my parents basically hate the way i look. I have black hair with bright red and pink highlights in it and i wear dark eye makeup. Ive always been drawn the the punk rocker look and they seem to really hate it. I work at a salon so im able to do these kind of looks. Yesterday morning my dad came in the room and told me that i look like a cheap hooker and white trash with the high lights in my hair and said i need to change it. He also hates the way i do my makeup and says i look terrible and that im shaming the salon i work at and that 10 out of 10 people would say i look awful. He also told me my face was fat and it really upset me because i went to the doctor recently and she said i was way underweight and im not eating enough (im 100 pounds and 5'7). Needless to say it really hurt my feelings and ive never been so upset in my life. Not to be conceited or anything but i get a lot of compliments on how i look every day and ive never had any snarky comments about how i put myself together. People are always asking how i do my hair and makeup so my parents are the only ones who hate it. I havent talked to them since but i briefly came home after work and packed some things and went over to my brother's place to spend a few days here. I'm 21 years old and they're telling me how to look and its really upsetting. My parents have been like this my whole life and they're always putting me down about how i look. My dad said hes embarrassed of me. Its saddening but i dont think i could ever love them again. I dont feel anything in my heart for them anymore because of the constant ridicule and put downs. I feel like they dont love me since they're not letting me express myself and be who i want to be. What should i do. I dont want to speak to them ever again. Has anyone ever gone through something like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): You should cut off all ties with your parents for as long as they continue to treat you like this. Make it clear to them that you do not like the way they talk to you and that is why you do not want to be around them anymore. If they want to be around you, then they have to change their words and attitude. if they dont' change, then you will continue to have nothing to do with them.
Tell them that they are welcome to talk with you or see you as long as they treat you with respect. The minute they start being verbally abusive, you will leave the place and not contact them again. If they contact you, you will decide if you want to see them or not. If not, you won't. If you do, then again the same rule applies - the minute one verbally abusive word comes out of their mouth you will end the interaction and go home.
this process can take years to implement. I did the similar thing with my parents. it's been about 5 years since I started doing that, I don't contact them on my own because I don't desire to be around them. A few times they contacted me like around holidays. I agreed to meet with them. The minute they started up their attitude I left. then nothing would happen for about a year then when christmas comes around again they would contact me and same thing.
it was only about a year ago that they started to get better and we actually had an entire dinner without them getting verbally abusive. So I felt better about them after that, and agreed to see them again on mother's day. that went OK too, I was surprised. It only took them 5 years. I'm still highly guarded around them, and I still don't contact them on my own because I don't really have a desire to spend time with them. The distance between us makes me feel safer so I'm sticking with that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Why not dress a little conventionally for a change and go easy on the make-up and colourful hair? You have to let go a bit and see if things change. You can't always do things your way, all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is a really horrible situation, and the other suggestions of moving out are probably the best solution to this.
But it might be something of a comfort to know this is pretty common. my parents are always criticising me for how I dress (and lots of my friends have similar problems), my makeup, my hair (I am 24 and they will still push my hair off my face and try and rub my lipstick off...hours of work...destroyed), I have gone home and my mum has brought me new clothes so that I wouldn't wear any of my own stuff to a family event...just water off a duck's back, you just have to develop extraodinary powers of being able to ignore these pointless comments and irrelevant opinions. I strongly believe in being respectful to your family, but unless your parents are your style icons, there is no reason to follow their fashion advice (and you can tell them that) Just know that you know what suits you best and what sort of look you are going for! I'm sure you look amazing.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Totally agree with FA, It's time to move to your own place dear. Your relationship with your parents will miraculously improve and so will your self-esteem.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 August 2012):
 There is an old rude joke about this. We don't need to go there.
The situation you describe is serious enough that you should take action. Abuse is a very good reason to sever family ties. Staying with a brother is just a temporary fix. You are at the age now that you need to be responsible for your own safety. You should be looking for a permanent place to live. A roommate situation will be more affordable. I really think that the most difficult thing for you will not be the money but standing on your own. After a month or three you will feel so much more confident.
You also probably need emotional support and therapy after long term abuse. You should check for state help on that.
FA
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