A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone give me their thoughts on my situation? I'm sorry this is so long...I chatted to a guy from my dating site for about a week on msn. Then we met up for a date last week. I'm 33, he's 32.Before we met, he told me some quite heavy stuff about his past (ex heroin addict, in NA, relationships - very dark stuff etc). He also talked about changes he wanted to make - such as to relationships - in the past he had only been about sex, selfishness. He said he now wanted to get to know someone as a person. He also said stuff like did I think we had met by fate, and referred to me as being part of his change. To be honest, all this made me very wary - and I thought he was a bit odd. But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him.Anyway - we seemed to really connect on the date (similar values, politics, morals etc). His attempts to change his life seemed genuine. He talked about how confusing he found Internet dating - and that he didn't want to 'multiple date' as it wasn't his style. I said I preferred to get to know one person at a time, and he agreed. He asked me out again - and was very enthusiastic. (I was still a little wary at this point).Anyway - after the date, a girl I chat to on the site emailed me. He had apparently asked her out (the day AFTER he and I had met). I don't have a problem with people multiple dating - it's the nature of Internet dating. However, when she said she wasn't sure whether to meet him, (as she had been on a date with someone else she quite liked), he wrote: 'If I was going on a 2nd date with someone, I know I would be really into them - and I would definitely not go on another date. I know I would have something good with that person. But if you're not sure about this guy, maybe we should meet'. He then asked me if we could move our 2nd date as he 'had to work' - but this was the day he had arranged to see the other woman!Anyway - I emailed him. Told him it was none of my business if he was dating other people - but that the lines he fed her made me wonder how much of what he said to me was lies too. He emailed back, apologised, said I was right and that he had used his sensitive guy line on her etc etc. Said we should end what we had as although he does want an honest relationship, he is too drawn back into the behaviour of his past, and internet dating is like a candy store - and it wouldn't be fair on me. I said I wasn't looking for the love of my life, and that he could have just said he wanted a bit of fun in the first place. He has now left the site and blocked me from msn.Did I overreact? I feel really quite upset over this, even though we only met once. I'm worried that I have crucified a guy for telling a couple of white lies, that all people probably tell on dating sites. And now he probably thinks I'm nuts. I also feel upset that he has blocked me. I wish I had not said anything and just seen what happened once we got to know each other. A friend said he has blocked me because we only met once, I made things too complicated and he probably thought I was just hassle.Thanks for any advice you can give.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (13 August 2006):
 You are indeed a sensible, rational person - and I think here - 'Question asked. question answered' I do hope you are successful in finding someone who appreciates and deserves you. Your innate 'gut instinct' will not, I trust, let you down. Think of this as a learning curve, and don't put too much importance on being 'validated' next time you meet someone, whether on-line or 'terrestial'(?!) You know in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of a true soul mate. Just take your time, he is out there, somewhere! I know what I'm talking about, I have been in that boat myself, and if I can (as I have); found love even at the ripe age of 52, you have got at least a couple of decades on me, girl!..Good luck, and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your added responses. I think a mix of things are going on for me. I'm not desperate for a relationship (but I can imagine it would seem that way from what I wrote), in fact, had this guy been upfront about his aspirations, it might not have put me off. I'm not looking for marriage and babies. My social life is more sporadic now I'm in my 30s - so I saw internet dating as a way to meet some new, interesting people. And the site I am, generally, doesn't attract the guys that are just after sex - it's aligned to a liberal broadsheet newspaper.But I am sensitive to rejection and after 17 dates, am thinking 'what is wrong with me?'My initial gut instinct before meeting this guy was very negative. My main problem is that I don't trust my own instinct, because I suffer from anxiety attacks and always blame it on me just over reacting. But ironically, I think my gut instinct is probably super sensitive, not muddled. It's never been proved wrong looking back!So I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt - and then turned out to be right all along. Although I thought it was odd/scary that he opened up to me so quickly about his past addictions etc - I suppose I was still sucked in a bit. And the stuff he said about how he was into me, thought we had the same outlook on life, how we seemed to think alike, how he couldn't wait to meet me as he thought it was fate - well, don't get me wrong, I was completely cynical and thought he was trying to sweet talk me (I'm not a silly girl!!). But equally, I guess I was hoping my cynicism was misplaced - and after the first date although I was still wary, I did feel like he genuinely liked and accepted me as a PERSON.I guess I am prone to giving the benefit of the doubt to people, because I feel like I'm not perfect as I have an anxiety disorder.Throughout my life, I do seem to have been drawn to people who are in some way emotionally unavailable or very unconventional. And now I'm on the look out for it. I guess at least this time I saw the signs (and an ex addict who admits all his relationships have only been about sex should have been enough for me to abort mission! My friend took one look at his profile and said 'twisted' - and I knew she was right. He described himself on it as 'the f**ked up anal love child of John Cooper Clarke and Marcel Duchamps" - he's an art critic), I felt the bad instinct, and I did something about it (i.e. emailed him to say he had been well and truly rumbled). I'll look back in a couple of weeks and think I was right to send the email and that he was just a lying toerag. But right now, I'm just feeling a bit sad.I'm not sure that makes sense, but thank you again for your responses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Oh oh...
I think you are projecting all your hopes of finding that special someone onto this unworthy individual who has come out and said he isn't trustworthy.
Have you had any past individual counseling and have you thought to look into some now?
I think there are reasons why you are so in need of someone to love and accept you and I agree with some of what Dr Psych had to say.
There is a small chance that you can meet a nice man from online sites but stay away from the sexual ones...what does your profile read?
I was on a online dating site but because I know exactly who I am and what I like and expect...I was able to weed out alot of sex hungry males from the sincere males.
I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site and we emailed one another for a couple of months before meeting. In the emails we talked about intrests, beliefs, upbringings, politics, religion, as well as shared memories.
When we both decided to meet in person, the intrests were genuine and the physical attraction undeniable. We still obstained from the physcial and continued to email one another before we decided to date. It was four months after the intial emails that I took a chance to date him a bit more and introduce him to my children.
He told me that the fact that I updated and changed my profile and used it like a diary or blog or something to just post random thoughts was very helpful in him figuring out exactly what kind of person I was.
I was mainly family oriented and put most of my engery and efforts on stressing the importance of family and marriage. He wanted someone who shared the same views of marriage, commitments, dating, and the love of children.
So it is possible to meet someone nice.
I think that some individual counseling to help you sort out issues and insecurites will be most helpful as well as having someone to help guide you and temper your thoughts and feelings into a healthier perspective so you don't become overwhelmed and feel dejected and disappointment at your search.
Please let us know how things go and feel free to email me.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Oh oh...
I think you are projecting all your hopes of finding that special someone onto this unworthy individual who has come out and said he isn't trustworthy.
Have you had any past individual counseling and have you thought to look into some now?
I think there are reasons why you are so in need of someone to love and accept you and I agree with some of what Dr Psych had to say.
There is a small chance that you can meet a nice man from online sites but stay away from the sexual ones...what does your profile read?
I was on a online dating site but because I know exactly who I am and what I like and expect...I was able to weed out alot of sex hungry males from the sincere males.
I met my current boyfriend on an online dating site and we emailed one another for a couple of months before meeting. In the emails we talked about intrests, beliefs, upbringings, politics, religion, as well as shared memories.
When we both decided to meet in person, the intrests were genuine and the physical attraction undeniable. We still obstained from the physcial and continued to email one another before we decided to date. It was four months after the intial emails that I took a chance to date him a bit more and introduce him to my children.
He told me that the fact that I updated and changed my profile and used it like a diary or blog or something to just post random thoughts was very helpful in him figuring out exactly what kind of person I was.
I was mainly family oriented and put most of my engery and efforts on stressing the importance of family and marriage. He wanted someone who shared the same views of marriage, commitments, dating, and the love of children.
So it is possible to meet someone nice.
I think that some individual counseling to help you sort out issues and insecurites will be most helpful as well as having someone to help guide you and temper your thoughts and feelings into a healthier perspective so you don't become overwhelmed and feel dejected and disappointment at your search.
Please let us know how things go and feel free to email me.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 August 2006):
 ....I read your 2nd post..."Why do I still wish he wanted to meet me again? Why am I so upset that he's blocked me?That was my 17th internet date. I'm not sure I can take any more rejection :-(". You are upset because you were lured into the fantasy world of internet dating - you thought he was a 'nice guy' and he wasn't. It is an easy mistake to make. You wanted him to be a nice guy after all those other non-starter internet dates, and he wasn't what you expected. It hurts because you met him in real life and still liked him and saw a possibility that you could have a relationship, and that he could make you feel better about yourself. I suggest you lock up your computer for a while - you sound like you have taken a few blows in the horrible world of internet dating and need time to get over it. You are suffering from the same problem as many people using the internet to meet others - low self esteem. It is obvious from the way you have reacted to his lies and rejection. He hasn't rejected you by blocking you from msn - he is just a child in a man's body hiding behind his laptop screen trying to get positive attention from women. In time you will see that you got away lightly with this guy as he was just chatting to lots of ladies for sex - he probably thought his efforts were better spent elsewhere now that he knows you know he is a player. He wouldn't get the immediate gratification of sex from you - as a former addict, he is an immediate gratification kind of guy. However, you should stop internet dating for a while to get some perspective on this - instead of thinking 'I don't know how much more of this I can take' think 'I am not going to take anymore of this for a while'. As I said, the internet dating thing is full of people who have personal problems and those that don't have a problem are hard to find! It would probably get anyone down if they stayed there long enough. You sound like a nice person and although I fully appreciate that it can be hard to meet good people in your 30's there are probably better ways to meet men - get involved with sports, clubs, hobbies etc and you never know who you will meet!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): Okay hun, after reading your more recent below posting, I have to ask...why on earth are you beating yourself over some guy who blocked you on msn, and who lied to you after one date? What is going on with you, dear? Why are you taking this sooo personally? Women need to learn to be fully accountable for any future relationships, they undertake. They should try to be strong and uphold to a high standard and find the person who is right for them. They do not dwell on whether he'll 'choose' her or not. The problem with you is that you are lonely, perhaps a bit desperate and just 'settling'. You've convinced yourself you are 'not' worthy of anyone. Well, I am here to say... you are worthy. But if you continue to keep believing that you have to ' martyr' yourself to have a man, any man...then you will continue to suffer in nowhere relationships with 'loser' guys. It will be only when you work on your self-worth, your value as a strong woman that you will finally start to see yourself as a courgaeous, competent and powerful driving force in all your future love relationships. If you have had 17 dates off the internet, does that not tell you...perhaps online dating is not for you? Let me tell you-there are a lot of losers out there and there is always some poor, lost female who will accomodate them. Accept that and move on. At least it's not you putting up with the grief. Hold out for someone who love and cherishes you for your strengths, your values and convictions. The world of online dating is indeed a 'meat market' and it's not for all of us. You are merely exchanging meaningless words with someone behind a computer keyboard. Get out from behind the keyboard and get out there and experience 'real life'. Go places that interest you..focus on what YOU want...get out with your girlfriends and savor life. Have a blast, have fun! And when you least expect it, the right guy will be there for you. But please, dear... do not use loneliness to drive you to make poor choices that will cause you pain and affect your future. Be proud that you have the smarts and foresight to recognize a 'bad guy' when you see it. This guy lied and he will continue lying to others. Be happy he is not your problem anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): I concur with all the other aunts on this page. Wow..I am so proud of you, girl. You caught this player and called him out on his little games. Good for you..I respect that. So many women are needy and forgive a guy of such seedy behavior only to find out too late, he's a genuine loser after he's used and discarded them. You have trusted your instincts, used your head and not allowed you emotional boundries to go down. If he wants to think you are a nutball...so be it, who the hell cares? He's not your problem, anymore. I like your savvy, strength and pride...keep using you head, hun and remember, you will go through a few online guys to find the one for you. You are a treasure and Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I just wanted to add that I'm feeling upset about this - I feel like he has rejected me (I said in my last email that he could add me back onto msn if he wanted. I guess I was hoping he would say he was sorry and the ball was in my court) Do you think he felt any conection with me - as it seemed to be? It wasn't only 'smooth lines' he said to me.
Also - I gave him two chances to tell the truth. He emailed me after the other girl told him we had spoken - and he apologised. I called him and said it was no big deal and he was free to go on other dates (to see what he would say). He said he had arranged the date with her before he and I even met (which wasn't true). He then said he would leave it to me to decide - and he wouldn't lie again. And was sorry for saying he wasn't going on any other dates.
I was so incensed by that, that I sent an email saying I knew about his '2nd date philosophies' - and how much of what he said to me was lies too. That's when he said it was best to leave it as although he wanted something 'meaningful', he still had temptation, and he didn't want to hurt me.
Why do I still wish he wanted to meet me again? Why am I so upset that he's blocked me?
That was my 17th internet date. I'm not sure I can take any more rejection :-(
Thanks
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (11 August 2006):
 It's not even a 'white lie', it IS a lie when he had agreed ground rules, such short lived too. Be thankful you discovered early and move on. You deserve better, especially with the love you have to give and the obvious concern and sensitivity you have to others, a bit misplaced on him though.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 August 2006):
You caught him playing around...you didn't over-react, but it should be a good lesson about internet dating more generally. I am not saying you cannot find someone nice that way but it certainly has more than its fair share of dangers and emotional tangles. Be thankful you caught him now and not when you had been dating for a while - that would have hurt badly then. He is single in his 30's because his past has been a bit of a mess and he was hardly a 'bargain', but he continues to be a player now so if may have kicked the drugs but seems to have retained some aspects of the addict's personality (...using people, telling lies to get what you want). You are clearly a very nice person to be worried about him but don't be - he has blocked you from msn but he probably hasn't left the website, just changed his id name on there...or perhaps moved onto other dating sites. He did tell 'white lies' and you caught him...don't feel bad about it as it was just one date afterall, and be thankful that you found out now. But be careful out there in online dating land as there are plenty of married, psychopathic, deeply complicated and socially dysfunctional types online dating...probably a few nice people too, but it is hard to work out who the nice people are behind a computer terminal. Be Careful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): No. You called him on his game. You spoiled it for him as you were lied to and being played as was this other woman...I say KUDOS!!
I don't think he thinks your nuts. I think he just left as two women now know he is a lying creep cruising for sex.
He didn't like you were on "even" ground with him. He likes to manipulate and that is no longer an avenue with you.
Just move on.
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