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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together now for about 6 months. I met him online and everything has been perfect, except for one thing...he is 31 and I am 17. He is the nicest guy I could ever meet and he's very good looking and finds me very attractive also. He is not pressuring me for sex at all. He wants to come visit me and I am okay with that. I think that I am falling in love with him and I don't know if I should tell him or not. I have never had feelings like this before and I think that he is developing them for me to because every time we talk it gets more and more serious. Now I know that some people have a problem with the age difference, but this guy is amazing and if we broke up I don't know how we'd deal. So, should I tell him that I love him? Should I get out of this relationship as soon as possible? Should I wait for him to say I love you first? Also, I really want to have sex with him because I feel so emotionally attached to him. He has not said anything to me at all, but I thought it would be nice to do when he comes to visit me. I made the decision myself to have sex, and I really want to do it with him because I really feel like we could get married and all that. Should I have sex with him? Thanks so much, and I appreciate all of your comments.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): You shouldn't have sex unless you are married. That goes for any age. There are much better ways to show love and initimacy than sex. If he really loves you, why wouldn't he marry you first? Aren't you worth that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2005): I have been in your situation somewhat before. Except I wasn't dating the guy and he was only 17. I'm 16 now, but I was 14 then. I liked him a lot but we never dated online or met eachother.
Honestly, this man could be OLDER than what he says and could be a child molester or a sex offender or anything related. It doesn't take much to find pictures, videos, and "typical" interests on the computer. In fact, in my city, they did a report online tempting older men to come meet young girls and when the men showed up there was a camera crew and a reporter waiting for them. A teacher, a doctor, a PRIEST...
I'm only saying, "trust" and "internet" do not go hand-in-hand. Seriously consider the things you should worry about.
Do your parents even know? Would they care? What does he think about you being so young? Do you know anything about his past or why exactly he chose you to talk to when there are many woman, I'm shure, that he could find for himself that were his age.
And you, yourself, should consider finding someone your own age. This may not turn out to be Cinderella and Prince Charming.
But aside from that, go for it. *stupid stare*
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2005): Hi, I am the female who posed this question. First of all, thanks for all the responses. Keep them coming! This is in response to "Male Reader anyonymous" No, I am not the bloke. Also, thanks Irish, I will really take your advice into consideration. Also Anonymous Female Reader 9 November 2005, thanks for what you said. I never really considered having him meet my family and all that because I know my parents will freak out because of two things 1)I met him online (they forbade me to go into chat rooms) and 2)His age.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): Don't rush it when it comes to sex. You are still very young and naive. What you find to be "love" could just be infatuation. It's hard to distinguish the two when you've never had a boyfriend before or have not yet met him in person. Sometimes that infatuation blinds you and you cannot see the big complete picture. You are so "in love" that you fail to realize that it isn't true. Try not to let things get out of hand before you meet him. When you let these feelings you have take over, that is when mistakes happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): im sorry but if you feel like that towards this man, you young lady should find someone younger. i aint saying not older than you but, come on. hes probably wrinkly and small like cliffe. find someone in their 20s at the oldest. but lass, dont go for younger than you. its bad combo. cya.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): lol, you sound like a bloke! You sure you aint the 31 year old?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): what if he is like 40! i say NO! big dubble N O!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Tell your parents about this guy and that you want him to come for dinner. If he really cares about you, he'll want to meet your family and know everything he can about your life. He'll be nervous but thrilled to meet your parents, and he'll do everything he can to make a good impression.
You're right to be skeptical. Hey- this might be love, and he might be "The One" ... then again, it might not. To save yourself some heartache, without killing the chance for romance, it's best to take things slow.
When he comes to visit you, he should stay in a hotel, and you should not go there. Have him meet you at the mall's food court if you want to spend some time "alone" with him, but DO NOT go anywhere non-public with him. AT NO TIME on this first visit should you be alone with him. If he cares about you, he will not only understand and respect that, he will WANT that, because he'll be happy to take his time in showing you how right he is for you. Introduce him to your friends and such, but don't let yourself be alone with him. Then, after he goes home and you've had the first visit, see how you feel about things.
Having sex for the first time is a big decision, and you shouldn't rush into it when you're driven by pure emotion. Let the first visit be platonic, and then talk about a second visit, once he's met your family and you've seen whether they can get along. Remember that if you're thinking of marrying this guy, he's going to have to be a part of your family, so watch carefully whether he's able to blend in or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): Have you met this man in real-life, dear? The way your letter is written, I have to assume you have not actually had a face to face meeting? Aside from my concerns about the age-gap, if you haven't met him, I deeply worry about your safety. The internet leaves plenty of room for deception. On the sending end, anybody can describe himself falsely, because there are men who prey on young woman..please give this some thought.
Part of the problem is that you go online, in private. It's just you alone with your own psyche, its dreams and its desires. Many of the usual instinctive, red-flag feelings on human behavior are absent. There are no friends or family around to give you reality checks and to meet this guy and give you sensible feedback. You are on your own and that is what's bothering me. Your mind is free to run away with itself. All the more reason why your "common sense" should go online as well as your hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are not enough to build a relationship on anytime, anywhere, on or off the internet. Real love takes time and a lot of hard work, sacrifice, efforts and face to face interactions. I feel you may be infatuated, perhaps but not "in love".
I consider myself a romantic, but romance for me isn't glass slippers and overwrought declarations of love. Maybe it's because I have had long-term experience with the real thing, enough to know that love isn't about finding a a "guy you haven't even met, yet" Remember, people do "fall in love" with all kinds of inappropriate people. But loving someone does not mean they should act on their feelings or that if they were to act on them, they would be happy.
The internet is plentiful and teeming with people trying to take advantage of the young and innocent who are yearning for intimacy. I know that you feel talking with him, online, makes you feel extremely close, loved and understood. It can become a drug where you feel you need him to survive. There are a lot of men online,who beguile and victimize women. Please-talk with your parents, or an adult you trust and your friends about this. It will help you make the best, healthiest, safest choice for yourself. Good luck, my dear...take care of yourself.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, StaceyB31 +, writes (9 November 2005):
First let me say that, yes I do feel he is to old for you but I know that won't change your mind. I am 31 myself and believe me I would never be interested in a 17 year old child. Yes a child. Ok, I know you feel grown up. I know you think your a woman but you have so much more growing to do. Why settle now? Do you really want to get married at such a young age? What about dating and finding out what else is out there? What if this one isn't Mr. Right (believe me he is not)? Have you had sex already with someone else? Look... I'm not trying to lecture you. I know how you feel. I have been married for 10 years and now I am stuck. We have three kids together but I am not in love with him. I married so young and now I am left wondering if there is somone better out there. I'm miserable and lonely. So what should you do? Get away now! Find a nice boy your own age and don't get so serious. You have time, all the time in the world. Maybe he hasn't mentioned sex but I find it highly questionable why he would be interested in a 17 year old in the first place. I wish you well and good luck.
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female
reader, x_litto_miss_ferguson_x +, writes (9 November 2005):
I know what its like to be in love i really do but i do not think u are in love with ur boyfriend its only been 6months and the age gap is a big thing think to yourself why would a grown man at 31 want to be with a little girl at 17 i dont mean to be disrespectfull saying little girl but compared to him you are! And meeting someone on the internet is really silly why not see if u can get involved with a few more people at your own age and if it doesnt work out then think about having sex with this man!
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
wait for his visit before you decide if you really do want sex with him. the age gap is no big deal except for that he may not have mentioned sex because he just expects it. wait to find out exactly how he feels about you before you say anything to him
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