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female
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anonymous
writes: I need to help my bf regain his self-esteem. We're in law school together since we want to live in the same city, we applied for jobs at many of the same law firms. (It's a small market.)The problem is that my boyfriend had some bad luck and ended up with just one offer, from a firm he'd rather not work for. I got offers from most of the places I applied, including several places where he was rejected. He's very proud and ambitious, and even before now, he's always been really competitive with me over grades, etc. I feel like these things shouldn't matter, but he can't get over the fact that he thinks he's "losing" to his girlfriend. It's not like he's having to watch me get great things while he settles for some menial job paying minimum wage. He's brilliant and goes to a top 3 law school, and the firm he's going to is fantastic, but he can't get past the fact that it's not considered as "prestigious" as some of the places that rejected him.I have offers from 3 firms, 2 of which rejected my bf. I really like these places, and while I'm still evaluating all the possibilities, I think there's a good chance I'll want to work for one of them. I need to find a way to help my bf be ok with this. I've never seen him so depressed - he's crying, not eating, not sleeping ... he said he's never felt like such a failure, and he feels like, if I go to one of the firms that rejected him, there's no way he'll ever be able to get over it; he'll just feel worse and worse about himself, bc what kind of guy is constantly "beaten" by his gf. This is not a guy who cries, even at funerals, but he was sobbing when he told me how much he didn't want to lose me, and how he wished he could just be happy for me and supportive of my great options, but he doesn't think he could handle dating me if I went to a firm that rejected him, but he couldn't bear to be the reason that I gave up something right for me (ie, the really prestigious firm).How can I make him see that these things don't matter? If we were married, I'd gladly just sacrifice my first choice career path for something that would make things work, but I'm not sure that's appropriate for a relationship that's only 9 mos old. What I really want is for him to feel better about himself. What can I do to give him back his sense of self worth? It would be such a waste for this to be the reason we can't be together - we're perfect for each other in every other way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2005): If you are a woman in a relationship to a man who is suffering anxiety about your career successes, some will tell you "Dump the insecure man and get yourself a real man." But if, like most of us, you love a true mortal-a man who carries love for you in his heart, right alongside his fears, insecurities, frustrations, and at times selfish attitudes -there is plenty you can do besides leave him. Adding to this, you have a overly competitive boyfriend there, dear. And relationships are places where competitiveness like this has no place. He has to realize this is his problem-not yours. Behind many successful women are supportive partners who offer acceptance, love, emotional support and most important you do not need anyone's permission to succeed-congratulations for doing it all on your own. There are many men who rejoice in their partner's success..not allow their male egos to be devastated because she is more successful. So you have three choices which are-1) have an unhappy boyfriend and too bad for him...or 2) sabotage your success so you don't lose your relationship (gosh, I hope not!)...or 3) have him find ways to lessen your his despondency and fears.If you want to save this relationship, I'm opting for #3. A boyfriend's support makes a huge difference in a woman's career. A working woman with a supportive partner is like a rocket ship. Her partner is filled with pride and joy. He is her safe place to land as well as her launch pad. She can go upwards without him -maybe even in spite of him, but with him is definitely better. He needs to learn that you successes are 'not" a reflection on him. He will find his niche, but it will take time. So realize, you can't fix his problem, hun. Only he can do it-with a change in attitude and some professional counseling. I think in an effort to be supportive to him...sit him down and ask if he'll seek some couple counseling with you. Sometimes, a trained mediator can and will put so much into perspective for you and him. It's worth a try. I do worry about his depression, as well-this needs to be addressed, as well. I wish you both good luck and take care.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
tell him he's not a failure. he's not "losing" to you. maybe he should accept what he's offered and do the best he can. he's got no reason to think he's failed. he's had an offer which is more than some people have. i could do most jobs i've ever applied for but still find it difficult to get one. it may just be a matter of interview technique. let him practice with you. you've obviously got what it takes so you may pick up where he's going wrong.
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