A
male
age
41-50,
*ylet123
writes:Eight years ago I met my current wife, 3 months into our relationship I had a one night stand, she found out and broke up with me. Then we got back together, it took her many years to forgive and forget about it.This past week I received a call at work from a lawyers office saying that my one night stand resulted in a child. How do I explain this to my wife and family without losing them?
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at work, broke up, got back together, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (21 March 2009):
 A slightly different situation, but highlights what q1605 said.
A friend of mine had a son from a brief relationship while he and his girlfriend were "on a break" - but they got back together and has now been married for 20 years. While he was still engaged to be married [to his current wife], the other girl phoned him and said she got pregnant by him. He being a nice guy, he was there when the baby was born, put his name on the birth certificate as the father.
Paid child support for about 2-3 years. Then he decided to take paternity test, which the mother agreed to. Turned out he was not the father!
To this date, he still has not told his wife. And the other woman has now told the son that my friend is not the birth father (unfortunately, she still could not locate the other two possible father of the child). Fortunately, she is also in a happy marriage right now, and have another child so she is not too worried. My friend also does not feel "threatened" against any surprise child claim, since his lawyer kept a copy of the DNA test report as well as a written agreement by the mother of the said child.
My friend decision not to tell his wife was based on (1) it happened while they broke up, (2) the child is not biologically his, and (3) the mother of this child has agreed that there are no legal grounds to claim for anything.
Hope the example above helped a bit as another thought to ponder upon, and to ease your mind.
Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): It is also my experience that men and women who have 1 night stands did not just have sex with that person. I say that form my wife's experience many years ago, my experience many years ago and from the people who we had 1 night stands with and from the experience of other people who I know. She might just be picking the one guy who's name she can remember or who has the best job. She could also be telling the truth, but you will never know without a DNA test. I would also want a 2nd DNA test done by a different lab.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): I agree that you need to tell your wife about the allegations, but you also have to do exactly what q1605 said. Don't take your 1 night stand's word for it. Why did it take her 7 years to come forth with this? I also find it strange that the lawyer called you. Things like this are normally done through written correspondence. I wouldn't believe it until it is proven by a DNA test from a lab that you can trust and not one determined by her or her lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): 8 years ago, after finding out, you and your wife managed to salvage your marriage.
if you strat lying to her now, will be so much worse. Why not try talking to her, telling her about the lawyers letter. So right from the start you BOTH are in the loop. You both handle this, whether it is true or not. At least your wife will know that you are not hiding things from her.
It is really sad that she cannot have children but one saving grace is HONESTY IN A MARRIAGE. Please, if your marriage is going to be saved, tell her 9i know she will be burt, devastated even) but at least no lies and no secrets. Sometimes honesty is the best policy. In your case, please be honest with her.
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A
male
reader, kylet123 +, writes (21 March 2009):
kylet123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy family would be my parents, I should have mentioned that my wife and I have beening trying unsuccessfully for 5 years to get pregnant, she was recently diagnonsed with PCOS. I think she will be devastated to think that I have a child to another women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Well that must be a real shock to you. First you need to think about the child and if you are going to be an active parent etc or just give money over-my opinion, you made the mistake so you should face up to it.
Your wife, I believe, is a saint to have taken you back in the first place-you owe her a lot of credit, but she is obviously going to be shocked, maybe devastated to think that you have a child with someone else. You need to tell her sooner rather than later and maybe she will be more understanding that you told her originally about your foolish mistake and this is the result. She may doubt you and think that you knew prior to now, but you need to tell her thr truth and reassure her of your love for her and this does not affect YOUR relationship.
You also mentionned your family-kids or parents? My advice is tell your wife and then your family, if she supports you, then you are going to be ok, if not, you only have yourself to blame-I don't mean to sound harsh, but it may come down to that.
Plese let me know how it all goes.
Best of luck.
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