A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help and I've exhausted my friends who have no answers. This is long and for that I apologise.I meet this great guy online over a year ago (end of Dec '09).He's relocated to my country, but is from overseas.We have a few brief convos online and eventually decide to meet, albeit a couple months later(March). Our meeting is great! Conversation in flowing, chemistry is obvious and we have similar interests and he is keen to meet up again when we go our separate ways.For a variety of reasons we can't meet up for another 3 months (June), but our texts back and forth are fun and frequent. At that point I have discovered (via the internet) that he is living with someone. Someone he met only a week before we went out the first time!I confront him. He tells me that it's an arrangement (so he tells me) that started out of convenience.She was unable to afford the rent, he wanted to move out of the flat he was in and into a more central location for his job.In the meantime, he loses his job.He has no other friends/family in the country and he is stuck. He tells me he is not in love with her, but does care about her, she is 7 years older than him (he and I are the same age)and I'm fairly sure she does a lot for him. He is effectively stuck.(I have had a very close friend in a similar situation, so I am empathic to his reasoning and I can't offer him an alternative, although we did talk about it.)In the following months we spend time together (in public), showing affection (in his neighbourhood) and acting like a new couple.We do spend the night at each other's homes approximately once a month (No sex, but lots of foreplay and passion) and see each other about once a week. We contact each other on a regular basis.Things begin to slow down in November and I attribute it to him deciding to return home for the holidays, possibly longer than a couple of weeks. He assures me that he needs to sort himself out. I give him space to do what he needs to do, but that I am there.This past January He confides in me that he has a problem with alcohol.I encourage him to seek help and will stand behind him in the decision that he makes. With the job loss, etc he has also had a bit of a bout with depression (goes to the doctor and gets help). I start to seriously consider that this woman he lives with is paying for him and enabling the drinking, and I'm 'pretty sure' she has issues with depression. He applies for jobs, but nothing comes of them.A couple of months ago (April), he decides to check himself into a detox to get the help. I am so proud and we have a brief discussion of what this means for 'us'. I explain that I want him to get sober and happy and we can figure that out once he completes treatment.He completes a medical detox (which lasts a week), and when he emerges, there is no sign of him. I send him a Facebook message (we are not Facebook friends) and he tells me he has changed his number...but does not give it to me.I don't ask for his number either. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I am determined that I am going to move ahead and let things be. (All the while, my head and heart is spinning and wondering what happened) I figure he is 'making a go of things' with her and I adjust.Two weeks ago, he contacts me with his new number.I reply a few days later, uber-casual and ask how things are. He tells me that the championships are coming up for the sport he plays completitively in and asks me if I'd come along. I reply a bit shocked and he replies with the fact he'd be very happy to have me there if I'd be happy that she is she is there too and that we could meet! *ugh*In the past, she has not attended all of these competitions (she has gone to some) and I have attended quite a few. I know she has dramatically increased time spent with him (she now goes with him everywhere - he often suspected she knew about us but never questioned it - he spent nights at my home and she KNEW he was there) He has wanted us(her and I) to meet in the past, but I know he'll be playing the role of 'happy boyfriend' with her to keep living in the same situation. I've always declined because I can't see him like that, I'll be hurt.I just don't understand how he went from wanting to further things with us before the detox to barely nothing after.A part of me wishes he didn't contact me, but all along I've also really wanted him to.So, my question is... do I go to his competiion and face the proverbial music so to speak??Do I decline and stop talking to him?With all my ex-bfs in the past, I wound up hating them, so not talking to them was easy.I actually like this guy and I don't know if he is trying to pick things up by making contact again or trying to actually 'be friends'. I want to know where I stand, irregardless of his relationship with this woman. I don't know what to do. My brain knows he's not good for me, but my heart and head can't seem to pull away without going crazy...Any advice would be great.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 This is easy : DECLINE.
He is chronically unemployed and "stuck" playing fiancee' with a woman who supports him financially = gigolo, user , liar and cheater.
Add serious drinking problem and depression issues.
Plus , he's not that into you ( 2 weeks before giving you his new number )
Where you stand is under the sign that says "convenient plan B ".
Sorry, what was your question again ?... What are you supposed to do ?...
*Sigh*
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 The webs we weave on the web!
He has a drinking problem and knows it. No denial
The live in lady knows about you, has zero problem meeting you. No denial.
You are the only one who not only has issues with this arrangement but does not see why she is involved in the first place. You are the only one who is in denial.
And that is what you'll have to figure out before proceeding with this or possibly any other RS.
...............................
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