A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice about my sister's hen party. I live 4 hours drive from my sister and she has invited me for her hen weekend. I agreed to go several months back. The weekend involves overnight away, spa, drinks, meal out so is going to cost £200+. I've since found out that my husband is booked onto a work course that weekend which means I have no childcare. He could rearrange the course but he would lose the deposit of £600 which his employer would be annoyed about and he would have to wait several months to do it again (he also can't receive a much needed pay increase until he's qualified and completed the course). We aren't particularly close (and never have been), and think not going would just finish an already strained relationship. My parents gave me a deposit for my house (I never asked them to it was a wedding gift and totally unexpected). Since then she's been really funny with me. I try to make the effort asking if she wants to meet up whenever I am visiting my parents but she never does, I've also asked if she wants to visit me and she never does (none of my family ever visit). Her wedding is abroad and it's going to cost around £1500 for us to go, so I originally said we can't afford it which we cant. However my entire family basically emotionally blackmailed me until I said yes. I am maid of honour but my sis has arranged her own hen do. So do you think I should go to my sisters hen, or not?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (17 August 2018):
It is clear that you do not want to go so don’t go. Your sister may have asked you to be her matron of honor in an attempt to bring the two of you closer together. Something I’m not sure you really want. Cancel on the hen do and let the chips fall where they fall. It doesn’t sound as you’ll be very upset.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2018):
 I am sure you have someone who can look after the children? At the end of the day you agreed to be her maid of honour so I think you need to make the effort. Back at the start when she asked you, then you should have refused if you felt that you both weren't that close. But now you are her maid of honour so you need to make the effort. Yes it is costly but unfortunately you agreed to do it. As her maid of honour why did you not organise her hen party? Or was it a case that she wanted to do it herself. She might be feeling quite upset that you haven't made the effort. Have you got involved much with helping her? I can honestly see why this would end your relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2018):
 In for a penny, in for a pound. I'd try to go. You have already accepted to attend the destination wedding which costs you £ 1500 . If that was an amount that really breaks your back financially and that you honestly can't afford , then you should have immediately turned down the invitation ,you had an excellent and sensible excuse anyway. If it does not break your back, and you can afford it - stretch your wallet another little bit and shell out the extra 200 ( plus babysitter's fee if needed ). It won't make such a terrible difference, will it ?
I get it that this is not the most affectionate, warmest of the sisters- but she is still your sister, and that's her ( hopefully first and only ) wedding day. Plus , you already have accepted to be involved , as a matron of honor. It's not the moment to hash out old grievances and to keep score of who is visiting whom how many times. ( plus, TBH, if MY sister had received from our parents a big cash gift while I had gotten zilch , probably I'd feel a bit funny and I'd act a little funny too ! Ok, it wasn't your fault, and I am sure your parents had very good reasons to do things this way, but, gosh, can't you see that this could possibly feel hurtful to her ? ). All in all, I think it's a time to be generous and open-hearted and try, at least, to help your sister celebrate her wedding the way she likes best, hen- do included. Regardless whether she has been " good " or " naughty ".
Can't you ask your in-laws , or your parents, to babysit ? can't you ask a friend of yours, or some reliable neighbours ? can't you simply hire a babysitter ?... When there's a will there's a way ,and before saying "no" I think you should explore every possible option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): I think that as maid of honor you should have made the effort to organize a hen party for her, and her nose is out of joint over that. Why not forgo the hen party but organize another party or book sometbibg special for the two od you as an alternate bonding experience. I do thibk that destination weddings pit too much financial burden on others and are a bit selgish- howrver, it is what it is. She is your sister and you need tk make sacrifices to maintain a relatiobship
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): [EDIT]:
Correction:
"When is she going to show that it matters?"
Post Script:
Your sister doesn't like you very much. Why? What will it take to turn her around? That is obviously a carrot she is dangling over your head. Destroying your marriage and making you broke seems to be her plan. Better wise-up, sister!
You're a full-grown woman, and you haven't learned that people who love you will never make you hurt yourself to prove it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018): Forgo the hen party; because it would be too much of a personal sacrifice; considering your sister never goes out of her way for you.
You could end-up going to the hen party, going bankrupt for that wedding; and she will still have a bee in her bonnet out of jealousy. You're the one making all the effort to mend fences with your sister; while she finds even more ways to set you up with expenses and inconveniences she hopes you'll fail to meet; just so she can make you stress all the more.
Just stop! She continually raises the bar; just to see how high you'll jump, and raises it even more.
Your husband's job is a priority; because the training will lead to a pay increase. Your husband and family loves you unconditionally. They get top priority!
Why are you risking financial-hardship to go to a wedding you know you can't afford? For a sister who is mean to you regardless of how much you bow and scrape, or kiss her bum???
She made you maid of honor with intent to cause you and your husband financial-difficulty. You're being foolish and breaking your back for this scornful woman; and it makes no difference. She's setting you up, and trying to financially ruin you. You are being totally unfair to your husband putting him through all this foolishness! Taking food out of your family's mouth to prove what?!!
Stop being a fool!!! Cancel both the wedding trip and the hen party!
You can't buy love, and you don't get blackmailed into doing things you can't afford to do. Hurting your family is nasty and vicious. She is being vindictive. I'm sure your husband has already had enough of you and that sister! You don't even have to say so. He's a saint for putting-up with the two of you!
Eventually it will place a serious strain on your marriage; and your sister is still going to be a witch at the end of it all! You can't make people love you with bribes and good deeds! They have to do it willingly and give you their heart freely.
How many hurdles do you have to jump and how many obstacle courses will you have to go through to prove something to that witch? When is she going show that matters?
Your pride won't let you admit you can't afford these things. I don't believe it's 100% your sister!
I'm sorry. Your sister just doesn't love you as much as you love her. You can't change that; no matter how much you bleed for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018): I’m sure you could pay for a baby sitter or ask a relative or friend to watch the kids for at least one day of your sisters hen weekend, even if you can’t make the whole thing. She is your sister, you really should make as much of an effort as you can. Seeing as your parents paid your house deposit, your sister isn’t going to view it well if you say you can’t afford to go to her wedding. You won’t get another chance to see your sister walk down the aisle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018): Your husband's career is more important than a hen-weekend. I suggest not stressing yourself out by going. Stay home and watch the kids, in fact it's a more than reasonable excuse. You shouldn't attend if you don't want to PLUS it's expensive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 August 2018):
 Can't your parents watch your kids that week-end?
Or your in-laws?
I would TRY and make the effort to go. But I would NOT ask your husband to cancel his course. His career is a BIT more important than her hen-weekend.
But I would look for ALL available options to find someone to watch the kids and then go.
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