A
male
age
41-50,
*LOUTSIDE
writes:I am dating a girl who about six months ago come out of a very physically/mentally abusive relationship. They had been married for ten years and the abuse was consistant throughout. They had actually been legally divorced 4 years ago, but reconsiled a year later. I have two questions regarding the situation. One-She suffers from life altering anxiety, depression, even rage at times. She has developed an all men are the same mentality, and all men pretty much suck. She absolutely takes past frustration from her past relationship out on me with regularity. I care about her alot, and sympathize with her situation, so would like any advice on how to deal with someone who has been traumatised in an abusive relationship. My second question regards her also. She has two children with her abusive ex, 4 and 7. So they must stay in contact for that reason. Unfortanantely the ex husband plays games, manipulates, and generally torments her. She allows this behavior for "the sake of the kids". It's as if he still has some control over her. She is mean to him sometimes, but others plays along with his crap. He says innapropriate sexual comments, plus just states negative things to her, and goes out of his way to push her buttons which he does well. Does the fact that she still allows him to play games and control her moods mean there is still an attachment?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (19 August 2009):
We all need time to recover after a relationship breakup, and when that relationship has left someone with serious issues it can take them a long time to do so.
The question you need to be asking firstly is "is she ready for a relationship at all?" Sadly, it could be a case of right person - wrong time, and the best thing you can do is walk away. Of course that is difficult to do!
She clearly needs professional help with her anxiety and depression and the best thing you can do for her is ensure that she is receiving that. Don't fall into the trap of becoming her counsellor yourself, because it won't work - you will end up "dual rolling" which is something all counsellors avoid and will ultimately damage your relationship with her. Instead, be there to encourage her and support the work she does with the professionals.
In answer to your second question there is most definitely an attachment still with her ex. This may not be a romantic attachment, but the years of abuse still bind her to him and leave her vulnerable to his behaviour. Hopefully she wants to be rid of this negative attachment, and again that is something she can recover from with the help of a professional.
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