A
female
age
26-29,
*arie59
writes:Okay so I don't know what's going on. A few weeks ago I started dating my boyfriend. Everything was going well, and we were both so into each other, but all of the sudden, one night he started acting distant and funny towards not just me, but everyone. I know he has had a very troubled past and he still feels a lot of depression from it, but he would not tell me what was wrong. He said not to worry and that it had nothing to do with me, but for the past week he has been acting so cold and distant and depressed. He says he feels so numb and has no emotions toward anyone or anything. He says he KNOWS he really likes me but right now he just doesn't feel anything. I dont know what to do. He is so short with me and doesn't respond like he used to. He doesn't talk to anyone now and I'm so lost. He wont open up to me or anyone. What should i do?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 November 2013):
Dear OP,
I don't want to tell you what to do, because I don't think there's only one right way here. And also I don't know about your qualities and the qualities of the guy you're dating. So far, all we know is he has a problem and you want to help.
What I think the agony aunts are worried about is.. that you mix up your roles, not knowing if you want to be his therapist, his nurse, his mom or his lover.
That's okay to a certain degree, because we all somehow act like our moms towards our partners or we act as childish as if we were on a playground.
It all starts to get problematic when you become rigid in your role. When you always need to be the healthy one. When you always need to be the understanding part. When you can't be weak, when you can never cry yourself, when he can never be your strong shoulder to lean on and it will always be you who is there for him and not the other way round.
Because then.. something might be problematic with you. Looking for a depressed partner could mean that you are unable to deal with a healthy, strong and confident person. That you can't trust anybody to help you and catch you from falling, when you are weak. So you always need to stay in control, "on top" so to say.
If you want to be with him because you think he will be good for you in the long run, because he has some qualities you love, because the affection and care can become mutual in the future, then stay.
If you want to be with him because you think.. "I want to be good for him".. and you don't even think of your own needs.. then you should be alarmed, because you're stuck in the helper's role.
I don't know the answers to those questions, maybe you know them in your heart. Or you'll find out.
Sorry for the long post. But this is a very personal topic for me.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 November 2013):
 If you're going into the field, that's a much BIGGER reason to not stick around. Maybe you didn't get what I said here:
He has UNCHECKED depression! If he had diagnosed depression, is under a doctor's care, and is following both medical and psychological treatment for himself, it would be a different story. I dated a guy with psychological issues like depression and schizophrenia, and he was on Lithium and many other drugs as well. Our relationship ended on an amicable note (we both were interested in other people and I knew there was no future for us), and he was one of the few I kept infrequent contact with and maintained a friendship with (my boyfriend was fully supportive, as he was someone we both knew and his mom asked that I "stay in his life") but sometime later, he went off of his meds and started really going crazy, ending with his suicide into the Mississippi river.
People who are going into the field do not meld their lives. You don't have that kind of pull with someone who is that close to you. You will get swept in, lose yourself, and wind up with issues of your own. You said you already have them, making you even LESS of a candidate to do him some good.
Your "connection" to him after three weeks is you reflecting your own emotions from him. If you really had a connection, why is he treating you like this? If you can't make objective choices based in reality, then you are in trouble. He'll be able to cheat on you, hurt you, mistreat you, neglect you, and a host of other things which you will accept until you are unrecognizeable.
You didn't come here looking for advice if your follow up is in fact the truth. Why even come here if your mind is made up? He's *not* good for you, and if you stay with him, you won't be going into the field or doing anything of significance except have your life's vitality sucked out of you and discarded. He has UNCHECKED mental issues. Focused on UNCHECKED. The guy I dated thought he was Jesus Christ when he was off of his medication. Broke my heart when I heard he'd gone off of his meds.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2013):
 If you are not willing to leave his side, then you must prepare for the roller coaster ride that will be your life with him.
Just because you have walked in his shoes and are going to be in the field does not mean you can help him. Doctors do not operate on family and friends.. it's unethical and it's not emotionally safe for them to do so.
You are NOT the ONLY one who can relate to him. YOU are not the be all to end all that will save him or fix him.
IF you choose to stay with him, eventually when you turn to your friends for support they will roll their eyes and say 'I'm no longer dealing with this, you made your choice to stay, when you are ready to leave and get healthy let me know" then what will you do?
Do you understand what co-dependency is? Do you see how co-dependent your choice to stay with a sick partner is?
Sometimes caring about a person means leaving them. IF he's not in danger of self-harm, then you leaving may be the thing that makes him see the consequences of his behavior.
you will never be able to make plans with others because you will never know how he's feeling and what he will say or do. IT will alienate your family and friends.
If you want help not to leave, I suggest that you get some counseling for yourself to learn coping skills. I suggest you form a wide and varied range of other friends so when he's in his dark place you have people and places to go to and be with.
I suggest you learn NOT to value yourself based on if he's in a good mood or not because NOTHING you do will change him.
YOU can't fix him. You can stay and get more and more depressed and despondent over how sad your boyfriend is.
go ahead and stay... but do not live with him and do not marry him... it is so much harder to walk away from crazy if you do that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2013):
I suffer mental illness... ADHD, depression, whatever... I also suffer a marriage to an unstable man....
3 weeks in... you can't fix this... I'm going to also suggest that you leave now while you still can.
I am not going to give you long reasons why...YouWish, CindyCares and Honeypie have done that already.... the fantastic foursome of older wiser aunties... well it's like the apocalypse... heed the advice...
YOU don't really need to feel heartless... the first rule of taking care of someone else is to take care of yourself first... leaving him is what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Marie59 +, writes (4 November 2013):
Marie59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice, and i also need to add on some more information. I very much appreciate youwish, cindy, and honeypie's advice, but i think its important to add that the reason i want to hold on so mich and help him is because i have been through the same things he has and i really feel like I am the only one who can truly relate and help him. Secondly, i am going into this field. Now please don't take this the wrong way, i know i am NO professional in this field at all and that is not what im trying to get at. I mean it intrests me and brings some sort of compassion to me. I don't want to be just another person that gave up on him, i want to be the one who actually cared. He means a lot to me and even dating for this short period of time, I feel as though we have a connection that i have never had before. I'm not willing to leave his side.I want to help, not leave.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2013):
 I will 3rd YouWish and second Cindy.
THIS is not your battle to fight or your issues to fix. LOVE can not fix this. HE HAS to seek help, TAKE the help and do the work to overcome depression.
Been there, done that. Still have the T-shirt in case it happens again.
Most people who have depression do not seek help. They don't acknowledge that they HAVE a problem.
Most people (men especially) don't WANT to admit it either, because it's a weakness and a weakness of the mind - IN the public eye - rather IT USED TO BE) These days talking about depression is as common as Erectile dysfunction commercials.
Most people WITH depression who DO seek help ONLY do so when they THEMSELVES know that seeking help is on THEM.
YOU have only been with him a few weeks so I can see why you hope your "love" for him will cheer him right out of the depression and your "love" will fix it all. Unfortunately, depression doesn't work that way.
READ YOUWISH and Cindy's advice over and over til you get it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 " Heartless " advice no. 2, but I second all You Wish says.
All you can and should do is to advise him warmly to see a good therapist, and to not let his depression, if this what really is, go unchecked and untreated , and then keep firmly your distance , in fact move on.
You are not Florence Nightingale, or his mom, or his wife. You are a girl who was attracted to a certain type of guy- only to find out that he is actually someone different who, as of now and for an unforeseen period of time , is unwilling/ unable to give you the happy, affectionate relationship that you need.
So, do not hang in there hoping to " heal " him, or waiting that he feels good enough to throw you some crumbs of attention.
If he is really, pathologigally depressed ( which is far from conclaimed, because people have this habit to fill their mouth with the word " depression ", which is a serious illness, for any less than stellar, a bit under the wind mental state ) you can't help him, he needs a professional support. ( And it would be his RESPONSIBILITY seeking it. Toward himself, and toward the people around him . Too easy to use depression to justify shoddy treatment of your dearest and nearest. If he had a broken leg, he'd see an orthopedist immediately. Why does it have to be different for a broken psyche ? ).
And if he is just being moody, tantrumy, hot and cold etc. because that's his nature- avoid avoid avoid. YOUR mental balance is important too, and you do not want to lose it because of a guy who you have been dating for all of 3 weeks !
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 November 2013):
I gotta tell you something, and I don't care if it makes me sound a little heartless or whatever, but it *has* to be said.
You are not his therapist, his mom, his caretaker, or his nurturer. Three weeks is much too soon for these things to manifest in a relationship, and to be honest, and not to put down any clinical depression sufferers out there, but you don't have the time invested in the relationship to start dealing with these things. Right now, you should be in the euphoric new relationship honeymoon period, and if you're dealing with this NOW, it's going to be hell not too long from now. I'd be wary how else the unchecked depression manifests if he's acting like this toward you, and it could be toxic and really mess you up.
His depression is his responsibility and his alone. Doesn't matter if he's depressed or not. He is responsible for the way he treats you, and he's responsible for keeping up on his own care. Just because he had a troubled childhood means NOTHING, and the fact that instead of aggressively following treatment for it and letting you know about it, he's using it as an excuse to get you to not expect much from him. At the three week mark, this doesn't bode well.
I don't think he's the guy for you, to be honest. You need to have a much higher standard. The guy you choose to be with can make you, or shatter your life irrevocably. You need to use your emotions AND your intellect, and if there are red flags and mistreatment now, NO MATTER WHAT the reason, it's not boding well.
Let me put it even plainer to you:
There are two cars in a car dealership. They are exactly the same price. They are exactly the same make and model with exactly the same mileage.
Car #1 is in great condition. The engine has been well maintained, the oil changes have been regular, the parts used to maintain it are factory parts in good condition. It has never been in an accident. The interior is clean and fresh, and the brakes are new and stop on a dime. The drive suspension is supple and responsive and the tires are fresh and strong, meaning in the cold of winter, you're not going to fly into a ditch. There is no rust, and no corrosion in the battery or the drive belts, and the air conditioner and heating systems run perfect.
Car #2 stalls regularly. The engine overheats every time you idle it. It's had irregular and sporadic oil changes. The left driver's side brake rotor has snapped, and the drivetrain is out of alignment. One of the headlights is shattered, and there's an oil leak. It smells like gasoline when you've been driving it for a bit. The serpentine belt is frayed, and the battery has a low charge, meaning in the wintertime, even having it start is hit or miss. The interior was used by a smoker who loved nothing but to eat french fries and grip the steering wheel with greasy hands. The seat adjuster is broken, and so are the side view mirror controls. I could go on and on.
Bottom line - both cars, same make, same model, same exact price. Which one would you buy??
And that's just a *car*. Why would someone not take that much more care in choosing a partner that would have so much more of an impact on their life? You're three weeks in with this guy, and already the brakes are going out, he's driving you into a ditch, and he's doing no maintenance on his own life. You have to choose for *you*. Now's not the time to be bleeding heart "oh, he's just hurting". Not at three weeks.
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A
female
reader, Marie59 +, writes (4 November 2013):
Marie59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf he isn't responding to me and is very short, does that have anything to do with our relationship? I just don't know how else to help him. He says he really likes me still but he feels so lost. Hes all i ever want to talk to but i feel like he hates me or something because he opens my messages and doesn't respond and if he does its "hm" or "mmhmm" just one word responses.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (3 November 2013):
Dear OP,
Your boyfriend has a clinical depression, so first of all it's important you believe it has nothing to do with you. It's not your fault, it's not caused by you.. and it's not in your responsibility to heal him.
What you can do, is:
1) motivate him to seek professional help
2) don't ask too much from him in terms of affection and romance right now. he can't provide that, he's too sick, he'll disappoint you.
3) be honest. if you have patience to wait for him until he gets better, that's really beautiful. then say so to him and let him know you're there if he needs to talk. if he needs to be alone, maybe a friendly text message a day will cheer him up or at least let him know you still care. if you're unsure about being able to handle this, say so in a nice way. just don't make any big promises you can't keep.
4) try to get him to do stuff with you and distract him from his depressed thoughts. maybe he can't talk to you, but he'll appreciate if you take him for a walk, or watch a movie with him etc.
5) look after yourself. see enough happy and healthy people and take a lot of me-time. it's very difficult being around a depressed person and dealing with the helplessness, so don't sacrifice too much. or you won't be able to help anymore.
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): If your boyfriend is on prescribed medication, he may need to take it for awhile and just chill. I think you should give him space when he needs it; but check up on him, so he knows you're there for his support. He won't be himself for some time; so don't pressure him, or act any differently around him. Just be yourself. Depression takes time to get through.He may not be responsive to your kindness. That's a symptom of the disorder. He may also have some family issues that triggered it. It's a good thing he has a girlfriend. He will be lonely and despondent. Talking doesn't necessarily help his moods; but it distracts him from dwelling on his problems.Just in case he isn't taking his medication; ask him whether the doctor prescribed anything he should be taking to help his depression. Encourage him to take it, and just stop in to try and see him; even if he doesn't really want you to. It reminds him how much you mean to him, and it also will keep you aware of how he's progressing. If things seem too unusual, notify his parents.
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