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female
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anonymous
writes: I started going out with my boyfriend about a week ago and already I am finding it difficult! I have posted on here before. I am 30, he is 22. I can’t tell what behaviour of his is due to a learning difficulty he has or what isn’t. His communication isn’t good and when he does it usually tumbles out unedited and is often sexual. He said he is always getting misunderstood and he is always over apologising for things he said to me thinking he has offended me. He seems to pounce on me whenever we see each other, yet he only goes so far. I feel confused because he kisses, cuddles and touches me, but he never comes to visit me for long (usually up to 1 1/2 hours) so I end up feeling used. He asked if I felt shy about talking about sex because he said I don’t tell him much about what I like but I want the sexual talk to be a part of the conversations we have and not the majority. I told him I need to be sure that men aren’t just after me for sex and he reassured me that he isn’t and that I worry too much.He has been very romantic in previous relationships and then treated badly in all of them so I wonder if he is putting up very high barriers with me. I know some of you will say that guys are generally uncommunicative but his can be really extreme at times. There seems to be defensiveness in his tone. His self esteem seems very low and he seems depressed a lot of the time.Some of the behaviour he has complained about his ex’s doing he is actually doing to me (like when I text him, he doesn’t text back for about a day yet he expects me to text back immediately, he never stays around very long making excuses to leave). He only seems to visit me when he can’t see his best mate so I end up feeling second best. See he will say, I couldn’t see ‘x’ tonight so I thought I’d come and see you. A week ago I felt really positive about us; he said he would always be faithful to me, to bear with him if he ‘freaked out’ because he is not used to being treated well, that he wants a proper relationship and is not just after sex. etc etc. I really enjoyed his open communication.Last night was very difficult though. He invited me over but I told him I couldn’t stay out late because I was starting a new job today. (he told me previously his ex used to make excuses to leave after only seeing him for half an hour and how he hated it - I don’t know whether she was giving him a dose of his own medicine....). There was no physical contact of any sort. So, it goes from me complaining that he is all over me like a rash to not enough! After an hour he asked me when I had to leave so I said that I would go now (as it seemed like he was wanting me to go) but as I went to go he asked me where was I going (he thought I was just going to the loo). When I told him he seemed surprised and upset. When I left there was no hug or peck on the cheek (he hasn’t been doing that since we got together - any ideas why that would be?). It almost feels like since he knows he's got me, it means he doesn't have to put any effort in at all. He didn’t wish me luck with my new job and hasn’t contacted me all day yet to see how it went.I guess I want some stability, some romance and conversations other than those on sex (even though I really enjoy it in small doses!). I don’t want to give up on him because I am falling for him (he doesn’t know this yet despite him telling me he thinks he is falling for me). Why is he being like this and how can I draw us closer together? How can I encourage the romantic and talkative side out of him again and for him to spend more time with me? (yet we spend alot of time together when we're out) I don’t want to get too heavy on him, but I’m really hurting that he didn’t ask me how my new job was going. I want to help him through his hard times but I need some support back, even if he can only manage a little at the moment.His behaviour and communication swings between two extremes; very physical then nothing, very open communication then nothing. There seems to be no happy medium.
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female
reader, Jinny +, writes (19 September 2006):
 I would be very wary.
You are looking for a thoughtful,caring and stable partner. This man certainly is non of these things.
You mention he may have a medical/psycological problem, I am inclined to agree here.
It is very easy for some women to feel guilty about ending a relationship where the male has huge emotional needs and reliance. There are many personality disorders where a person manipulates others into a state of subjection. One of the main traits that suggests there IS a problem is the total lack or caring and thought for the partner,and the demands that the partner do his/her bidding or a temper tantrum ensues.
The inappropriate discussions and questions about sex is another red flag.
My honest advice to you is get out whilst you can before you hurt yourself.
Your needs are more important to you. You need care and love and this man after a week or so has shown neither. This does not hove well for the future!!!
Good luck and take care of yourself.
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