A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm 14,15 in 3 months. Since I was 10,I got a little suspicious of my mother and her boss. He would buy us ice-cream and my grandmother would tell me not to tell my dad.I never liked her boss. I'm pretty sure he's married.She texts him a lot and he sometimes texts her at 3 a.m. and it pisses me off.One day, I saw her text and she told him she going shopping when it wasn't even a working day. Why would she tell him that? She deletes all her messages involving him. His name in her contact are in initials.This has happened over 5 years and my dad doesn't know because he is the nicest,funniest dad anyone could have.And now,2011,she had a 'lunch appointment' when I asked her who it was she snapped and said "A colleague!Why are you asking so much?"Sometimes I walk in on her ending calls laughing and when I ask her who it was she stops smiling and said 'friend'. Since I was 10, I never looked at her the same way. She took a year leave so he's not her boss anymore and they're still in contact and still texting. Is my mum cheating? What should I do? I don't want divorced parents but I have to do something about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): op i will not patronise u and tell u that your parents marriage is NOT your business; it is honey. my kids have sat my hb and i down when we were having marital problems: this was the rude awakening we needed to getour marriage back on track. Op u may just be a teenager but you are smart and u know the difference between right and wrong.your mother is blatantlydisrespecting your father and she is also violating her kids as well. your mother is just doing whatever the hell she wants: this is not right. you need to have a talk with your dad. just give himfacts and your observations. do not feel guilty that u have brought your mothers behaviour to his attention. at least u have his back! and if your mother does ask, yes tell her u told your father. in our household our kids are authorised to challenge us on our behaviour ( yes all within reason and not disrespecting or challemging our authority asparents). we have negaged in proper dialougue and our kids know that they can bring our behaviour/ our "misdeeds" to our attention. as long as it is done in the proper manner. no one likes to be told that they are doing wrong but if we want an effective family unit, we need to take into account as to how our actions impact our kids lives.LoveGirl
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Hi,
I hope you are doing well and hope you can find the right solution for your family.
God bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's not an alcoholic or a druggie. She's ok I guess. And yeah,my parents do argue about little things but thats not my dads fault. I guess she's a perfectionist. We all get crap from her if we dont do it right. But I know for a fact that nothing major is going on between them.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (14 December 2011):
Hi,
I've been thinking about your situation.
How about talking to your mom? One day, when she's feeling ok, and you both are alone in the house, why don't you talk to your mom?
Things to consider:
1) does your mom use drugs or alcohol?
2) is she a nice mom besides this suspicion you have?
I say that, because if your mother has anger problems, depression, abuse drugs, it will be impossible to try to talk to her. No matter how nice and calm you approach her. But, if she's a good mom, good person, I think the best way is to tell her that you know.... From there you guys can solve this together.. Tell her his you feel, everything... Tell her that she needs go tell your dad or stop...
I am not sure if this is a good ideas, but hope this might help?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Roxypuss  +, writes (13 December 2011):
I think it would be patronising to tell you it's not your business, it is your business because it's affecting your happiness and your relationship with your mother.I think you should discuss your concerns with your dad, but only present the facts don't suggest you think your mum is cheating just explain you don't understand her odd behaviour. Then they can talk it out. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): Secrets have a way of destroying families.Children often realize that there is "something going on" when there is an affair, but don't have the words to put to it till later in life.My wife came from a family where affairs were commonplace when they were young, as young and maybe younger than you. It hurts the kids, and I'm not just saying that from the perspective of her husband, but a lot has been written about how this damages families, and damages the perceptions of the children as they get into their own marriages as they perceive their partners. Their risk of having affairs themselves is much higher because of this, because infidelity becomes "assumed" rather than fidelity being "assumed".Miamine has some good advice on how to handle it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 December 2011):
 "I don't want divorced parents but I have to do something about it."
Oh babes, I'm sorry your in this situation. It's not fair for your mother to involve you like this. I know you love your dad, and you don't want him to get hurt, but the problem is, you don't know what the situation between your mother and father is like in private. When you go to bed and they are in the bedroom, anything could be happening, when your at school, you don't know what your father does. That's why children should not get into the business of adults. You only see one side and that's never the whole story.
You want to do something, well that's not really your job. Your job is to be happy, go to school, pass exams and learn how to grow into a nice, kind, successful woman. Your mother is wrong to allow you to worry like this, and I can understand why you have lost all respect for her. Your asking questions, she must know you are worried, her job is to make sure you don't worry and have a happy, secure childhood.
Is your grandmother still alive, she is the best person to talk to about all of this. She will try to explain to you what is going on, in a way that is appropriate for your age.
If no grandmother, then what I suggest you do, is wait until your 15, at 15 your seen as more of an adult and less of a child. Then you can go to your mother and tell her the things you noticed and tell her you think she's had an affair and it's left you scared and worried, and you didn't know who to tell.
It's her job to then discuss it with you, and either stop these calls, or fix things with your dad, or explain if she wants to divorce or was silly and made a big mistake.
You must look after yourself, not try to sort out your parents. By telling her what you know, it might make her look closely at her behaviour and change. Other than that, it's really not your business... kids go to school and worry about their own problems, adults job is to make sure kids don't have to worry about things that are too big to handle.
Sorry your mother has put you in such a situation. Sometimes adults make mistakes, sometimes they are selfish, sometimes they are unhappy or mistreated, who knows what the story is with your mother at the moment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much. I needed support and you guys gave me that. So, thank you :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much :) All I needed was some support. Thank you :)
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (13 December 2011):
Hi,
I am sorry that you have to live with this secret in your heart for 5 years. You are a sweet daughter, kind, good person and very strong. I admire your courage and strength. You discovered this at the age 10. You were only a kid. You are still a young adult, and never should've been put in this position at all. You should be living a life like a normal kid, playing, enjoying your friends, going to school, instead you have this deep wound in your heart. It must be so painful because you love your father so much, and you said he's an incredible dad. It's also painful that your mother, the one that is supposed to protect you, be an example do this to you. How about grandma? She's helping your mom... It's so sad that adults make you (a child) lie.
Just know that your mom and grandmother will always be family. Always respect them. I know you are hurt, confused and disappointed. Your parents and grandparents are supposed to set an example, guide you in life, protect you, and love you unconditionally. I hope that no matter what happens in the future, please do not change the person you are today. Always keep your heart kind, always be strong, always be yourself and do not change...
In regards to your mom situation, I'll reconsider every fact possible. This is very serious and you should be careful how to unveil this secrecy. Letting the truth out will hurt a lot of people, and will change your family lives forever. You need to be calm. You have a lot of concrete proof, you saw many suspicious act during the past 5 years, also your mothers behavior makes me believe that unfortunately, "you are right". To be honest, the right thing to do is to tell your father. He's a good man, and deserve to know the truth. He doesn't deserve this betrayal and deceitful life.
Before you do anything, make any decision, please think over what's the best way to approach the situation, the best way you can reveal the truth.. Do you have an adult you trust so you can talk and discuss about this? I wish a had the right answer.... I am sorry that you feel this way.... I wish you the best luck, and hope you can solve this in a peaceful matter, and hope your parents can overcome this together and be happy... I hope God can give you peace in your heart and guide you to the right way...
Best wishes...
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