A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice on my very complicated situation! On September 8, my mother who is my best friend also, confessed to me that she and my husband have been sleeping with each other, from the time we started dating up until i got pregnant with our first child, she said she ended it then, but said he always kept trying to sleep with her but that she would tell him no, and to go home and be with his wife. we have been married for almost 12 years and have two beautiful children and my mother is also married to my stepdad for 25 yrs. I'm 29 and my mom is only 45 and very attractive woman, but how could she have done this to me, i am so heartbroken, you can't even imagine, me and her were always best friends and so close, i feel ultimately betrayed, to make matters worse, when she confessed this to me, she was really out of character and not acting right, i was trying to figure out what was wrong with her, and she just blurted out what had happened, and i simply just put the confession to the side and completely forgot about it, because she was saying bizarre things and ended up taking her to the hospital and they diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. she is on medicine now and is doing better. when i asked my husband about it, he admitted it was true. i have given this man my whole heart and soul and what i feel like to be the best yrs of my life, but when i found this out, i just was devastated and feel like they have crushed every feeling that i have for them. i do forgive them, i really do, but they have really stepped my pride into the ground. I want to try and work through this for my children's sake, and not tear their family apart, cuz i know how that feels, being a child of divorced parents, and thats why i'm still with him now, but i don't have any feelings for him anymore, other than love him as the father of our children. The only way i can describe how i feel is "I'm just disgusted" and feel like he couldn't possibly love me and do that with her, i feel like i was second choice, she would tell him no, so he comes home to me cuz i have never told him no, i loved him. i don't want to sleep with him anymore, i'm just really unhappy and don't know what to do, or know if i'm ready to start a new life without him with just me and my girls. he doesn't want us to divorce and has cried and said he's sorry over and over and has been treating me like a princess since i found out, but it's a shame that it took this to get him to be better. i just cant get over the fact that he kept trying to be with her, i hope someone can give me some inspirational advice or any advice at all would help from someone who is outside the picture, cuz there is really no one to talk to, except my stepdad, and he so hurt by it too, cuz him and my husband were best friends. i know this is a really messed up situation and never in a million yrs thought i would be in it. any advice at all would be great, but please don't make fun of me , i'm already humiliated beyond imagination.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fluffyshoes  +, writes (30 October 2008):
http://www.bipolarworld.net/
Bipolar world webiste. If you go into the chat rooms you need to bear in mind that people in there are in varying stages of managing their condition so might not give balanced views but the friends and families pages ight be useful.
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto fluffyshoes, i would love to have some information on bipolar, that would be so helpful to me , because i don't really know much about it, anything that you can send me would be wonderful and appreciated, thank you so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you for the terrible emotional hurt you must be suffering. I can understand that you feel hurt, let down, angry and yes, your emotions are in turmoil at this stage.
I have once dealt with somebody in a similar situation. It is very traumatic to all concerned, but most of all to you; who have not just been cheated on by your husband but you have to deal with the fact that is was with your mother; which is an additional hurt and let down.
Yes,the person you loved, respected and cared for since your birth; have inflicted upon you one of the biggest wounds possible.
Under normal circumstances if the husband cheated and the partner select to divorce it is so much easier; deal with the pain or to walk away, to move on and begin new; but in this situation, it is not going to be that easy; divorcing your husband and trying to move forward with a new life; No, because there is your mother; she is the grandmother of your children; she will be part of your life, always.
Remember, this happened long ago; it is no consolation, but it is will help you to deal with the betrayal and deceit.
I personally suggest that you go for counseling on your own first; you need to work through the pain of deception; the shock and the emotions and feelings that you have bottled up inside; yes, the feelings of disgust, the hurt, the anger; but also to avoid this from affecting your self esteem and doubting yourself; you have to be able to vent your feelings and emotions and with help and guidance of a counselor to overcome the feelings of remorse. With guidance you will be able to release and let go of those negative feelings and emotions and you will be able to move forward.
When your counselor thinks time is right and you are ready, they can advice you and then I suggest you and your husband attend counseling together to get your marriage on track again.
I do suggest your stepfather does the same.
It will also be good if the 4 of you can attend a few sessions of therapy together. Yes, I know, now that might sound like the last thing on earth you want, but trust me in time you will realize that for the four of you to continue with your lives, it is necessary. It will allow you all the opportunity to vent your feelings and to find the peace of forgiving; it will help you all to find ways of letting go of the past and find new ways forward. (Almost like an icebreaker).
It is a long road and it is not always going to be easy; but it is worth it and yes, in time to come you can and will look back at this and it will be like a bad nightmare; you will remember it, but the feelings and the emotions around it will be gone.
Don't push your husband away from you now; the two of you need to discuss this and be committed to work together to overcome this; remember he must be feeling very bad and the guilt of what he did long ago must be hurting him to; you need to forgive him and not punish him now for something done time ago; but he needs to realize and respect your feelings to and he must give you time to heal;
You both need to support each other at this stage and you MUST COMMUNICATE your feelings with each other.
The bond between the two of you can get stronger as you learn to cope and overcome this.
Please do start with counseling as soon as you can. Don't try to do this alone.
In the meanwhile, when you feel your emotions are overwhelming you:
Find a nice quite spot;
do some breathing exercises;
A very easy one: Take a deep breath in through your nose (mouth closed), hold your breath for a few seconds then exhale (blowing all the air out from your mouth , but blow.
Whilst doing this relax your toes, your feet, your legs, work your way up in your body.
Then when your body feels more relaxed, say to yourself:
" I am willing t let go. I release. I let go. I release all tension. I release all anger. I release all sadness. I let go and I am at peace. I am at peace with myself I am at peace with the process of life. I am safe."
Repeat the above a words a few times ( at least 10x), read or say it loud if you can.
Love yourself, give yourself a hug.
Always remember: LOVE is always the ANSWER to HEALING of any sort.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are welcome to contact me anytime. You can private message me should you want anymore info or if I can be of more assistance.There are similar exercises and affirmations to help with forgiving.
I know it might be difficult, but it works wonders; force your self if you have to; SMILE, at your kids, your husband at everybody; just keep on SMILING.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot to mention on comment from fluffyshoes, there is 12 yr age difference between my husband and me. when this started happening, he would've been around 30 , i'm not really sure if this makes any difference but i think it does cuz he WAS older and should've definitely known better. i also wanted to tell all of the aunts thank you so much for responding , your kinds words have meant more to me than you'll ever know.
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A
female
reader, Becca42478 +, writes (29 October 2008):
I am truly sorry that this happened to you. This has got to be the most frightening awful experiences I've ever heard of. I do think you should take measures to protect yourself at this time. My advice would be to pray for a good psychologist and then go find one. Your problem is more like a crisis and you need someone to talk to on a continual basis that will be able to help you see things objectively and protect yourself and your children in the future. There is NO EXCUSE for what your mother and husband did. It was extremely selfish and unloving that they betrayed your love and trust repeatedly in the worst possible way. The way that they treated you was not love. The damage has been done. They did this. You did not deserve for this to happen to you. I think it would help to feel your feelings. It might help to be angry & be sad. You have every right to be. Many times I find the answers I am looking for in books.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): Sorry babes, I'm so, so very, very sorry.. Of course we're not gonna make fun of you, your story has me in tears...
What can we say, what can we really say to make things better. It would hurt if it was a stranger, but this is something that destroys the very soul because it involves family...
I know you want to forgive, but I have a feeling that you are still in shock right now and are holding a lot of emotions in. I really don't know what to say. Your mother is ill, and may not have been behaving normally, but your husband worries me. Like you say, he is sorry now and he is behaving better towards you. But is this enough, will you ever really be able to forgive and forget...
As you can see, we totally feel for the pain you are suffering, and we are at a lost about how to make things better and take away the pain..
You need somebody to talk to babes, you need a space to explore your options and your feelings about the whole issue. Your world has been torn apart, you have been betrayed and let down by the two closest people to you. I think you need counselling babes, I think you need to sit with someone and talk about this situation and what you are going to do about it. You can go counselling alone, or go to marriage guidance with your husband. This won't go away quickly, it will take time, and emotions are tricky things, that's why I would like you to go to a professional and get help to deal with this.
Sorry babes, we feel so inadequate, we don't know what to say to help you out. Our thoughts are with you, and your story has touched our hearts. We are thinking about you and hoping that you find some way to recover and heal from this big shock and betrayal that has been brought unhappiness into your life. Blessings, take care of you.....
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A
female
reader, fluffyshoes +, writes (28 October 2008):
Bless your heart it must be so difficult. If you want to stay with your husband for your childrens sake then your either need to settle into the relationship without an intimate side to it as you cannot bring yourslef to be with him after the huet he has caused, to try and reconcile what has happened somehow and stay with him as man and wife or to seperate and make sure he has a good relationship with the children and make a new life for yourself.You have been married a long time and from what you have said the affair took place when your husband was very young. He may have been trying to experiment with other partners still but to be with your mother entirely unacceptable. If it has been over between them for a long time he may truely regret what happened and I hope you can buld some form of relationship again.I am bipolar and when you are unwell your judgement is impaired from time to time and you act very out of character luckily I have been medicated and stable for 6 years now, but the disorder is not an excuse you need to work things through with your mum once she has received some more treatment about how this happened.I think you are amazing for being honest about your feelings and explaining the situation calmly. If you are going to stay with your husband you need to find some way to forgive and forget but to be honest I have no idea how. All I can do is wish you luck and if you want any more information on bipolar i have lots of useful sites you could visit. Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hi
Don'T know what advice to offer, but i do want to say what a beautiful nature you have. to bravely carry all this mess is inspirational in itself and i believe these wonderful forgiving qualities will carry you well through life and nothing will destroy you. Why not give yourself time and space do not act either way in haste, just be still, this is where you may find your answer. Good Luck and stand tall you have nothing to feel bad about,nobody would ever make fun at you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I feel very sorry for you.You must be a great human being if you've already forgiven them.If I were in your place, I would have broken all contact with my mother and divorced my husband. I don't know what advice I should give you.But I'll definitely pray for you.
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