A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year, the relationship occurred after a strong friendship and we are very much in love. We are both in our 20s, graduated, stable jobs, good career prospects and my boyfriend has recently moved out of his own home and got himself a flat. We tend to see eachother a couple of times a week depending on our work schedules and we always miss eachother when we are apart. All on all I would say he is the kind of man that I would like to end up with. He gets on with my family, and although my granddad is unwell, my boyfriend will regurly come with me to visit him and help cheer him up and everyone says he is clearly devoted to me. Ive always had an over protective mother, its never been easy, I suppose I rebelled a bit when I turned 18, I used to go out a lot, drink and was barely in the house however at uni I calmed down a lot and am much more settled and happy person. I love my mum, we have some great times together however she is very controlling. I respected the fact even at 20 she didn’t want me staying at my boyfriends house over night when he lived at home although understood although doesn’t like the fact that I stay over now he has his own place. She has been known to ring up my boyfriends mother and ask for me to be home at 10 (this was on my boyfriends dads birthday). She will text/ring me whenever I am with my boyfriend asking what time I will be home and if I am home later than I expected, I know I will get told off. She tries to set me curfues saying that my job I need to be in bed early-which is true given the length of my days.My boyfriend is kind, loving, funny, in a stable job, has a car, a flat, is 1 year older than me, well brought up and clearly cares for me very much. He is the kind of guy I think that parents would be pleased for you to bring home. However all these problems Im having with my mum is starting to put a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. He feels like my mum doesn’t want me seeing him and this upsets him, he gets angry and fustraited and feels bad when I come home after seeing him and I get told off for one reason or another. We are meeting up tonight to talk things through, he has made it clear that he is not breaking up with me but I am nervous as to what he is going to have to say. He knows it is not my fault however any ideas how we can work though this? How I can let her see that his influence on my life is a good one and she is not losing me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): It sounds like she can't let go of you. But you are a woman now and it's not like you are newly turned 18 and want to go wild, but you have completed uni and have a job and it's nice she cares but she is going way over the top! You need to have some control over your own life and make decisions for yourself. I can understand your partners frustration because your mum shouldn't be telling you when to come home, especially ringing his family-you're not 15!!!
You need to have a chat with your mum and tell her you appreciate her care and love and know she has your interests at heart, but she will end up pushing you away if she carries on enforcing rules and curfews. If I were you I would have moved out, not to upset her but because you owe yourself the chance to grow and develop yourself as an adult. It is easier to be friends when you have your own place and she can see you do a fine job of running your own life.
I wouldn't rush moving in with your boyfriend unless he suggests it and you feel 100% your relationship is ready, but perhaps you have a friend you could house share with? It is better splitting the living costs as you can still save for your future than trying to afford it all alone. Although if you feel you could comfortably afford to move out then why not give yourself the space from your mum and take the leap. Leave on good terms and invite her round, show her that you are perfectly capable and she should soon see you for the woman you are and not "her little girl" as all mums imagine their daughters!
Whatever happens hope everything works out well for you x
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 November 2011):
 There is an old saying that is particularly destructive to young relationships. It goes like this, "A son is your son until he gits a wife, but a daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life." This has led many over controlling parents to feel justified as the wreck their daughters marriages with exactly this kind of manipulation.
If your family has a history of this kind of clingy, controlling behavior, I don't see much hope for you. You probably accept it as "normal".
As a college graduate with a good job you have been advised to move out. Good advice. I would recommend 200 miles for every generation that this has been going on.
By the way he sounds like a good catch. Listen closely to what he is saying and not saying tonight.
FA
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A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Your mum is a little to controlling after all you are classed as an adult when you are twenty one!Start to plan moving out of your parents home now maybe your boyfrind will have some cool suggestions.
Its your life not your mums WHILE YOU RESPECT HER CARING FOR YOU, there needs to be some understanding about how this is making you feel. Try having the conversation with her. Ask why she always has to have a row with you when you have been with him!Ask her why it upsets her so much that you have a boyfriend who is so caring and lovely!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Yes you need to take control of your own life. You are not a child any more. Your mother needs to remember that you are an adult now and you do not need protecting so much. She needs to loosen the apron stings a little. What you want in life is your own independence and off course you want to have that you are an adult. But while you still live under your mothers roof things are not going to change. She is still going to treat you like a child. You need to take the plunge and move out of your family home. You need to start being an adult and being independent and taking responsibility for your own life. At least then your mother won't have so much control over you and you are still free to go and visit her. I have a funny feeling this might be what your boyfriend wants to talk to you about as well. Good luck.
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