A
female
age
30-35,
*rown eyez
writes:i need help. im 16 and my mother died 2 yrz ago of cancer of the colon. she didnt smoke, drink or take drugs she didnt deserve 2 die. its soo hard and i cry nearly every day. i have no one to talk to and i feel like nobody else cares. how do i stop the pain i feel? i miss her sooo much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): You poor, poor girl. I am so, so sorry. I don't know I'd cope -- I'm 30 and that's something that terrifies me daily as my mum is now getting older & the thought of not having her with me is just overwhelming.
A while ago, I started to think about death / mourning because it's the worst of the worse, yet it happens to so many everyday. I wanted to make sense of it. I know when I lose someone I love, this will all go out the window, but by making some kind of logical sense of it, it seems to make things easier to accept. If this doesn't help at all, and just seems like rambling, please disregard...
It occurred to me that the reason we mourn when we lose someone we love is two-fold:
1. We mourn because we miss them -- as humans, we're totally dependent on our 5 (limited) senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste.... that you can't perceive your mum any longer with any of those senses means to your mind that she's gone.
BUT, I believe that there is more than what our senses can pick up. What if, by being so limited, we miss out on a whole lot of other things we can't perceive? Most people can't perceive spirits because they're beyond our 5 senses -- some people have a 6th sense. Animals certainly seem to. What if there really is a whole added dimension that we refuse to acknowledge but is actually there? It's entirely possible that your mum is with you, constantly, but you just can't feel her / see her / hear her.
Talk to her as if she's standing there. Believe she is! If you can accept that she truly is with you, that MAY help you to know you're not as alone as you think.
2. We mourn because of what we perceive that person has missed out on. This makes sense because when a very elderly person dies, it is sad, but we don't feel 'ripped off' whereas when someone young dies, there IS that sense of unfairness --- that they didn't get to do this, that or the other. But what if we've got that wrong?
What if, instead of heaven & hell as we perceive it, it's in the reverse? Maybe we are in hell as we are, and dying is the reward (i.e. heaven) where you are no longer trapped -- you can be everywhere at once, doing everything. As we are, we have to watch loved ones die, we have to get sick, we have pain, war & pollution.
Perhaps dying is the reward for enduring this life -- there are no limits anymore - you get to watch everyone you love all the time, you never feel pain, illness, limitation - you can go everywhere, see everything, experience everything. You can sit on a cloud if you want to, go to the depths of the ocean, sit on the lip of a volcano with no fear; AND when someone you love dies, it's a good thing because you know you're about to see them again!
The thing is that nothing I say, and no matter how you think of it is going to make you feel great about your mum being taken from you. You WILL miss her and you WILL feel angry that she's not there.
You have to go on & just take one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be -- or even just one breath at a time. Just know that your mum IS still with you, watching over you. Talk to her daily. And talk to someone else that is going through the same thing... Compassionate Friends (http://www.tcf.org.uk/) helps parents cope with the loss of a child --- my mum used this when my brother died (he died before I was born).. I'm sure they'll be able to help you or direct you onto a group that helps people who have lost a parent too.
I'm truly, truly sorry about your mum. But I do believe she is still with you and I think that you will make her very proud as you continue on.
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Hi sweetieTo lose a mother you loved is hard for all of us but to lose your mom when you are fourteen is a cruel blow. I read your post a few times and it seems that you are angry at the unfairness of this. Your mom lead a clean life and you wonder why she had the bad luck of contacting the cancer that took her life. It sounds as if she was not only your mom but your friend...a good friend...someone you could talk to and confide in and you were used to having her there. What troubles me is that there is no one who has stepped up to try to help you through this. I am assuming you do not feel the support of your family hun. Are they in pain as you are?. The other two posts here give some good advice about CRUSE and the fact that there probably is someone out there who does know and care. Have you shared your pain with a teacher or a guidance counsellor. If you are crying every day that is ok but you need to reach out sweetie. You have been through a lot and you do not need to face this by yourself. Please keep us posted on the progress you are making at getting support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): I really feel for you, losing your mother at such a young age.
You can get a lot of help from an organisation called CRUSE which deal in bereavement advice, and they are probably the best people to get in touch with.
Go to any search engine and type in CRUSE and they should come up top of the list.
Phil
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Aww... I'm 14, my mother is dead too. You're not the only one that feels that pain, crying over and over again asking yourself 'why me? what did I do to deserve this? why did she have to leave- she didn't do anything wrong?'. But don't think that nobody else cares, you may have been the closest one to her, but that does not mean that nobody else cares. There is no way to ever completely stop the pain, but you can go on with your life, and just keep living. Whatever you do, try not to think about it too much; don't try to resolve the problem the way I did (turning towards serious drugs, etc.). You're not the only one that feels this way. ?AnOnYmOuS
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