A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Although this is not purely a love-relationship based question but I would like to hear your thoughts about this. This is about my family, my dad is a man who you call a mommy man, (I refer to my grandmother here) He is a man who loves his mom regardless what his mom does, though he's been wronged for so many times.He has even lied about so many things to my own mom including his salary and stuffs. If my mom has realized that she's been misled by the man she married. Let's say, ever since my dad was a bachelor, my grandma had relied on him too much, and even after he married my mother, she still relied on him on doing stuffs even like taking his sisters to and from work and for that he had to lie to mom. MY mother is an emotional woman, she couldn't stand being lied to (I bet no women out there would be able to stand being treated like this), whenever she tried to bring it up my dad would act all angry and mad and that would cause my mother to stress up more. She had been thinking about leaving him for good but again she considered us her children and tried to survive. Even now after entering his retirement days, my aunt (my dad's sister) still asks him to take care of her daughter like taking her from school, feeding her while her parents are busy earning money. How could someone treat her brother like a servant? It's funny though I have talked to my dad not to let his sisters put any demand on him but again he said if he didnt do so, my grandma would get upset seeing him not helping his sister and he would never want to cause any trouble. Due to the demanding his family put on him, my mother has suffered for almost 20 years so I think it is time for me to stand up for her and defend her from these people. What should I do? Should I confront these people?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 It would appear that your own mother has been downtrodden for years and treated as second best to his own mother and his own sisters.
Anything that could help your own mother to be more confident in herself and more assertive about asking for what she wants, from her husband, and her family, would be the best solution.
This would mean that you praise your Mother about things she does well, a meal she serves, something she wears, something she does. Let her know regularly how much you appreciate her. She may have grown used to being treated as second best by his husband and so, at first, she may have trouble accepting compliments. Persist. Talk things through with her, listen to her and tell her the truth. Give her the confidence to confront her husband about his actions towards her. Support her fully and back her up any time she does attempt to brings things to the attention of her husband.
But that may not work. She may have become so subdued by being put down for years and become completely pessimistic that anything can chance.
if you confront them it is you who will lose.
They will view it as the ultimate disrespect.
However, if you cannot, over the next three months get your mother to confront your father, then you would try to speak to your father, alone, just you and him. Alone, confronting your father, might be a different story.
Your father has obviously never realised that he can show cultural respect towards his mother and his sisters, but his wife, the woman he married, the woman he agreed to love and respect ought to come FIRST.
However as you put it, your father has always put his mother first, even if it is to the detriment of his wife.
He may be angry at the Messenger (you) and go on and on about you not understanding.
So prepare yourself first. Put it to him that he is expecting too much of himself, at a time when he is approaching retirement, and you don't want his health to suffer while he meets everyone else's needs to the detriment of his future health and to the detriment of his relationship with his wife (your mother)
Tell him how much it hurts you to see him not being as caring as he should, towards his wife.
Perhaps no one has ever put this to him?
However even this approach may backfire. This is if he then complains to his own mother and to his sisters about what you said. This could make things tense.
Weigh things up very carefully, before you make a move.
And continue to give your mother good support. And help her to see that she deserves better than the the way your father treats your mother
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 First of all this isn't your battle. I know you want to help your mum and everything like that but your dad need's to realise what he is actually doing to his own family regardless of whether he thinks he's helping his sisters and mother there is a point of where you need to help your own family as well being Wife and children.It's great he is still in contact with his family and willing to help out but they know he is like a doormat and that is why they are always asking him of stuff and if his mum aka your grandmother get's upset and makes him feel bad that is emotional black mail.Your grandmother need's to realise he has a wife who loves him and children that need him he has his own family to take of now.Your dad need's to grow a back bone and tell them enough is enough, he can help out when he can but they cannot always call him up and rely on him all of the time because he's neglecting his wife and his children. You shouldn't be the one to tell them your dad should be.Talk to your dad and let him know the reality of what it is doing to your mother and yourself and any siblings you may have.This isn't fair on anyone.Be there for your family yes but there is a limit you can't always be available for everything and they need to understand that.Hope this helps chick
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