A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a four year old daughter who Macey who is my whole life and I have tried to do everything in my power to do right by her. However, my family keep undermining my parenting. For example, when she was a baby I breast fed, and they made fun of me for doing this. I am now very strict with her diet and I dont allow her any junkfood at all. I just dont agree with it. My niece, who is a year older is obese and allowed to eat whatever she wants. My family think Im wrong to disagree with this. My mum asks to have my daughter every saturday, but two weeks in a row, Macey was very sick when I brought her home. Turns out, my mother had been giving her all the crap shes not allowed. Macey told me she told her gran that her mummy doesnt allow her sweets etc, but she says "nanny says you talk crap mummy." i was disgusted. Why cant they see i just want the best for my child. How do i get them to see this and stop undermining me? I know the emotional scarring being overwreight as a child can leave, as my mother allowed me to become fat. Then when i went to high school, i developed bulimia. I would be devastated if my daughter ever felt that way, so I vowed I would ensure she has a nutritious, healthy diet so that weight would never be an issue for her. My mum also told macey that her mother ate plenty of candy and junk when she was her age. I can hardly explain to my four year old its wrong if she thinks i did it, because my mum let me!PI feel like stopping the visits. How can i get my mum to understand that she must respect my parenting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I'm sorry but grandparents who are NOT raising children are for spoiling grand babies.
Totally withholding treats from your child will possibly create even more food issues than you had.
Interesting comment from my now grown sons a few years back on growing up with a house that was mommy's a house that was daddy's and afternoons at grandma and grandpas in lieu of child care...
Mom: Is it hard going back and forth between houses?
kids: Nope we figured out...the rules at mommy's are different than the rules at Daddy's and the rules at mom-mom and pop-pop's are totally different.
the kids adapted very well.
Let the child learn that grandma is for spoiling and let it go....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Eh grandmothers . They are all the same :) aren't they ? They like doing things their own way, and if it won't be food, it will be another issue... It's a hard, ongoing battle...
I think you need : a ) either to put your foot down , and tell her clearly that parenthood is not a democracy, it's a ( hopefully benign ) dictatorship. Tell her that if you cannot trust that your mother will follow your guidelines, then Macey's unsupervised Saturdays with grandma will have to STOP altogether. That's a rather drastic scare tactic, though, and not one likely to go down easy, and to be met without any anumosity, resentment or resistence. Pick your battles and , if you deem this is an important one, be resigned to negative and offended reactions.
or b) if you want to go for a softer approach, just make sure that you and your kid are " busy " most Saturdays and just bring her over once every 2 weeks, or once a month ( assuming , also, that a wily, set -in-her -ways Grandma will sneak around your back and STILL feed Macey some forbidden snack. But, at least you can do damage control reducing the chances ).
Said that, though, I take the liberty to invite you to adopt some flexibility, to not become a candy- nazi . Proper nutrition is very important- but so it is never make a fetish of food, or fitness ,or body image. I say that, having been on the other side of the fence , like the only one SLIGHTLY chubby in a family of naturally lean , in shape, fast metabolism people.
The leit motive of all my teen years and later, until I lived at home, was always " Sigh... you would look SO pretty if you only lost ten pounds " , and no expense or effort was spared to help me lose those pesky, resistent, recurring 10 pounds : Weight Watchers, saunas, massages... Well, just as an ADULT I figured out that if I had such a hard time keeping my weight down... it was maybe because I did not really had anything to lose to begin with ? I was 5'3 and 118 pounds ( and with a big bust too )- how fat could I be, for Pete's sake ?!.
I still wonder how I did NOT develop an alimentary disorder, nor a negative body image . I guess I have a guardian angel with a heck of a lot of self esteem.
Of course a responsible parent cares about kids' health- but, please do not go overboard in case you are tempted. If OCCASIONALLY Macey chances into a slice of cake or a chocolate bar,it won't be the end of the world, and it won't turn her into a sick child , or a tub of lard.
It's worse if she grows up seeing any treats as the ultimate forbidden fruit , or she is made feel like a healthy appreciation for the good things in life, including rich, tasty foods in REASONABLE amounts, is the ultimate sin.
My sister, who inherited from Mom her horror of " fat " people... has been rewarded by the Universe with a tall, lean daughter... who at not even 17 left school in favour of modeling. Now she has been convinced to / prevailed into , enrolling into some ( very expensive ! ) two years school for professional make up artist- so at least she can have something more like a REAL, lasting career. But my sister still grumbles about how her smart ,talented daughter has given up any other opportunies / venues for focusing just on " looks ". Gee I wonder why.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Oh dear. I really feel for you. I have the same issue with the inlaws.
I think other posters on here have pretty much given you the best advice you'll find. I agree, I would limit the visits. I would actually try my best to avoid leaving your daughter with your family without you there. What they're doing is completely disrespectful & the way they undermined you by telling your daughter you talk crap.. that's disgusting. You have every right to be angry.
You are very right, that eating disorders are absolutely awful. Rather than ever mention the weight issue related to sugar (if you plan to in future), I would instead focus on the overall health, as other posters have said, tell your daughter that sugar made you feel very sick. Having a sibling with an ED & a mother who constantly talked about weight, I know it's probably best to just not talk about weight much at all.
Stand your ground with your family. They are being overpowering & controlling. Have an honest talk with your mother & explain why this is important to you & the pain being overweight caused you. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Mum is being a naughty girl, and needs to be treated as such.
Talk to her, "Mum, I don't appreciate you telling Macey that I talk crap, nor do I appreciate the fact you are feeling food she is not allowed." You need to stop doing this or Macey's visit's to you will stop.
And then if her behaviour doesn't improve stop the visits.
Tell Macey that it is true you ate the candy an junk when you were a little girl and that, while some kids really enjoy eating that stuff, it made you very sick. Couch it in terms she will understand.
If you do need to stop the visits limit any future interactions between Macey and your mother to those where you can be present .... invite mum to picnics in the park, or movies etc, where you can monitor Macey's food intake.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): "How do i get them to see this and stop undermining me?"
"How can i get my mum to understand that she must respect my parenting?"
You can't "get" anyone to do anything that they would not be inclined to do otherwise, especially when they are as ignorant and pig-headed as your mother and family members.
All you can do is focus on what's best for your daughter, and that means no more unsupervised visits with her toxic grandmother. If your mother didn't care how feeding you junk food as a child negatively impacted your life, then she obviously doesn't care how it can negatively impact your daughter's life.
You need to accept the reality that these people are who they are and deal with them accordingly, the best way being keeping contact to an absolute minimum.
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