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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am sorry for this long message but I am hurting. I have reached a point in my life where my I am very much disgusted with my mother's mentality. More and more I see a toxic woman who never see her toxic ways. I was reflecting on my life, and looking at my relationship with my mother. My mother used to do her best to seek betterment for me growing up. But, it would come at a cost of all her good "deeds" being thrown back in my face. I noticed that whilst she may care about me and love me, many times I see she lacks empathy towards me. Years ago, we used to go to choir practice together and sometimes it used to be quite tiring having to go there straight from work and having to take my children with me as my husband still used to be at work. WHen I expressed how I felt, she would say, you're not the only one going through this. Look at the choir director.Another time, at my parents' home, my dad invented his own machine to make ice cream and where it is placed, is not safe. I got a scratch from it, she said, "you just not looking where you are going". Last year my cousin who was like a sister to me, got married and invited many people to her wedding. I understand with covid restrictions the guest list would be minimized. My cousin and I spoke very well, but she never told me she was getting married. My mother's response, probably something you did.Last year covid affected my family badly, financially that is. A day or two, my husband and I had nothing to eat but ensured our kids ate. One of those two days, my mother and I had an argument. This year I brought up that incident and told her with tears in my eyes how I had nothing to eat. Her response, "well if you had nothing to eat, you could have said something. You know what people will think if they hear you hungry and we have?". Mind you, my father is a pastor and of course she's the "pastor's wife"!!!Two years ago, I told her how I was molested for almost 3 years by my elder cousins and I was afraid to speak up about it. I was 8 years old when it began. I was threatened and very scared until one day I spoke up. WHen I spoke to her about my traumatic experience, her response, "well you didn't love us enough to tell us". Mainly because my younger cousin told her father what my two cousins did. I'm so confused, what do I make out of this? How can I build a relationship with my mother if she lacks empathy for me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know that there are mothers/child bearers out there that are far worse than my mother.
I love my mother and I know that she loves me, but her actions are sometimes, quite hurtful. I drew the reference of me being scraped by my father's machine as an example of how simple my experience may be, yet she wouldn't even show empathy for the smallest of things. My MIL is narcassitic and I have realixed that my husband accepts his mother for who she is. It is hard to accept my mother for who she is.
Nonetheless, thank you all for joining.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2022): Your mother sounds very avoidant and quite possibly that's the reason why you didn't want to confide in her as a child that you were sexually abused.
Your mother's personality isn't your prolem, it's hers.
She clearly is concerned what people will think about her as a pastor's wife ( which must be her ultimate victory in life).
She doesn't want anything to tarnish how others view her.
To say that you didn't love her enough to confide in her is her guilt talking!
She has tried to turn the blame on you because she can't handle the perceived shame on her.
How is an 8 year old supposed to know what to say when she may even be confused about what is happening to her?
I very much doubt that you will be able to get through the barriers that your mother has built up to protect her fragile ego.
You could ask her to talk about her early life but quite possibly she will present her story in a way that is suitable to what she believes a pastor's wife should be (prior to meeting her husband.)
Maybe the only answer is for you to create barriers towards her because she is not willing to let down her ' don't blame me guard!'
In all seriousness the only person who would truly help you is qualified counsellor who gets paid to have the time to hear you out and to help you to move forwards in your life!
Sometimes it is very hard to get the help needed.
I suppose, bizarrely, you could try to work out what an invested pastor's wife would think suitable.
In my mind, I assume they like tea parties with cream and strawberry sponge cakes so you could send one such weekly
delight to your mother to see if that changes her dialogue!
Unfortunately for those who bear the pain of past scars, these things do nothing to help their lowered self esteem.
The very thought probably makes you feel as though you are choking.
So just be true to yourself as much as you can be because that at least is something you can look back on later in life without regrets.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2022):
 "How can I build a relationship with my mother if she lacks empathy for me?"
By accepting that THIS is who she is. She isn't that "fantasy mom" you would have liked to have or hoped she would be.
Instead, she is "this person".
That might mean YOU need to find other people to have these deep conversations with that require empathy. A friend, sibling, other family members, or therapist.
With your molestation trauma, I hope you seek professional help. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your cousin.
You can't change her. This is who she is.
I know that might not be what you want to hear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): Let's look at the one thing that really matters in all of this. When you were molested for almost three years and was afraid to speak up about it. Your mother's attitude is that it is all about her, that her feelings matter far more than yours. Instead of being glad you eventually told her she feels snubbed you did not tell her sooner. Why tell her at all then? Some mothers are far worse than yours and say that the girl asked for it or is making it up. Whatever your reason for hesitating it must have been a good one, it might have been better to not say anything ever at all.
The other things you mentioned are, quite frankly, nothing, where you are far too sensitive! If you brush against an ice cream maker and get scratched warning you not to get so close to it next time is a fair enough answer.
It seems to me that because you felt unable to tell your mother about your cousin sooner and then got this snubby response when you finally said you are now looking for nasty or negative or cold in anything your mother does or says or does not do or say. As if you are a detective searching for proof she is cold.
You already have it! She is self serving and cold.
Accept it. You have a husband and kids, you are not a little girl. Your real family is them now. You are not supposed to run to mummy whenever you fall over and graze your knee
or are hungry. It is now for you and husband to take care of that stuff. That is what growing up is all about.
Yes it's not nice to have a cold self serving mother but we are dealt unfair cards sometimes and have to see the glass as half full rather than half empty, focus on the good things in your life and how you can make your life better
instead of the bad things you cannot change.
I can tell you that some have far worse mothers than yours.
Your hair would stand on end if I told you about some of them and how cruel they can be. Compared to them you got off lightly. Some have to disown their mothers at a young age, they have no choice, that is how cruel they are.
You build a relationship with her, one which is limited.
You make the most of the good bits and remember that you are an adult, she is not responsible for your welfare or happiness - you are.
As for her being a pastor's wife, that does nothing for me.
I've known several of them, they were all cold and superior towards others. Some doted on their kids others were cold towards everyone. Some of them never worked a day in their life and had no skills, education or qualifications but talked as if they were experts on everything.
Forget about trying to change her - forget about her coming around to being nice and caring, it will never happen.
She already knows that what she does hurts you, and does not care. She does not need to be educated in how you want her to be, she already knows! She puts her needs first.
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