A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:looking for some advice on a particularly toxic situation in my relationshipI have been with my partner for just shy of 2 years. a few months ago she found some screenshots of a conversation I had had with a female friend of mine which crossed the boundaries of what is considered as a platonic friendship. This friend is married. It is important to note that at the time these conversations took place, it was before my relationship with my partner, and before i ever met her.Since my partner found out, she is no longer comfortable with me being friends with this person, even though nothing physical ever happened between me and my friend. for the record, my friends husband knows about it and isn't bothered about it.to cut the story short, i am part of a wider group of friends which includes this woman. I consider myself to be friends with other people in the group. However, my partner is not even comfortable with me being friends with the group, to the point where she has said to me in no uncertain terms that she wont stop me from being friends with them, but if I meet the group, then it makes her uncomfortable and she's not happy and she can't see how our relationship can continue.this obviously stresses me out, because I do not want her to be unhappy but on the other hand I will not cut out an entire circle of friends because of how she feel s about something that happened between me and one of them before I even met my partner.this issue has resulted in many arguments, each one more toxic then the previous, and I am expected to compromise, to prove that she is my priority and prove that I love her by "moving" on and never seeing the group again, by setting everything aside, even at the cost of my own happiness, principles and morals.I could use some well thought out advice as I do not know how else to handle this anymore. Perhaps I'm looking at this backwards, or I need a different perspective.
View related questions:
friend's husband, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2022): I have to agree with honey pie and add a little more .
If this was more than 2 years ago. It beggers the belief why you still have these screenshot. If I were you GF I would have made the decision for you and left your ass ..
Your gf has every right to question your moral compass and your dedication to her. As far as I can see there is no reassurance here for your gf . You don't seem to get it ..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): This is all about trust. Does she trust you or not? It sounds like not. But it makes no sense: If you're not a trustable person, then you could presumably agree but see your friend anyway.
As someone else said, everyone has a history. That shouldn't necessarily define us. It sounds like you've been a good partner to date.
So generally, I think the response has to be: "If you don't trust me, move on. It's you & my friends, or just my friends."
The only thing that I wonder about... why do you have screengrabs of this stuff? Is the record of this historical liaison giving you a frisson?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): I think she's overreacting if you see this woman only as part of a group. And your girlfriend is present.
If you plan on seeing this woman on her own, then your girlfriend has a valid point.
If your girlfriend won't budge on you cutting ties with ALL your friends, which does sound extreme, then you have a decision to make.
Personally, I would find having to move on from all my friends too much to ask, to soothe her insecurities.
IF however, you ever meet this woman on her own, then I would be very uncomfortable about that if I was your girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2022):
 Well, OP
I don't blame her for this. Sure, it happened before you started dating her, but she has NO chance of knowing it happened because you really rather be with this other woman. That she is just the "consolation prize", the second choice, since the other woman is married.
You say the friend's husband knows and doesn't care. I doubt that. He might not care outwardly or anymore but he also found out 2 years ago and made the choice to move past it. Your GF, on the other hand JUST found out that you did a morally questionable thing with a married woman.
You know what you have to do. Choose her OR Choose your friends. It doesn't seem like you can have both.
Last thing from me, I want to mention is how you seem to put the blame on your GF, when this was YOUR questionable actions that started all this. Why weren't those messages deleted? You OBVIOUSLY saved "screenshots of a conversation "...
Shady AF
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): I can see why she may feel uncomfortable knowing about the messages and how on earth did she uncover them anyway? But no I think she is being unreasonable trying to make you cut off ties with the group, I mean why exactly? I feel her behaviour is controlling and this is about her being jealous which as I say I get but it's nothing to do with the group? My boyfriend is friends with a man who he had a relationship with, it's life, we have exes and past history with others before we was with them.
Just a question why is husband okay with it but your girlfriend has hit the roof, was it a full blown flirt leading potentially to something or less?
...............................
|
