A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I have a question. I am not sure if it's something I should be worried about. My boyfriend moved to my area a month ago and we have been exclusively dating. We enjoy each other's company and get on well. When we have sex, he doesn't really kiss me or cuddle too much when it's over. I guess some guys are like that.A few days ago, he got an email from his mum and I was just going to check a recipe she sent him when I discovered an email message from his ex girlfriend. She had messaged him asking him how he was doing and said she missed him. He emailed her back straight away. He was telling her what he's been up to and so forth. Then she sent him another message. He has yet to read it since he's at work.I'd like to know from you guys if that is a problem? He told me he had an ex and that he left her and it was over. But why is she sending him emails a month later and why is he responding to her right away? Trying to keep communication going? If she was his ex, why would he bother answering her? The relationship is over. He is also my boyfriend. He has not told me about her emails. He has no idea I've seen them. What should I do?
View related questions:
at work, ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2022):
 So he met you, started dating you then dumped her and just monkey-branched from her to you?
If so, I would not be surprised that he could go back to her if you don't turn out to be (in his eyes) "better" or "easier" to date.
NEVER date someone who hasn't had time to process a breakup, divorce, or life-altering experience (death of a loved one).
He is keeping HER as his backup. No doubt.
He also has 6 1/2 years of history, memories, experiences, growth, and setback with her... and well, nothing of note with you thus far.
In my initial answer, I suggest you talk boundaries with him. You can still do that, but in my opinion, he is not going to stop talking to her. He might hide it better, is all.
You are the third wheel or a rebound. Neither are good for you.
Be careful here. Don't get too emotionally attached to him for now. If you can, keep sex out of it for a while. Stick to going on dates and getting to know him. Or walk away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): I am sorry to know that you're in this position and it may be hard for you, but getting into a relationship one month after a break up is not ideal. I don't understand the rush! You are over 30 years old and must have some sort of wisdom to know that his heart has not healed within a month.
Him jumping into a relationship one mth after his breakup and dating within days after a break up, clearly shows is he not ready for a relationship. Is it that he loves just as he has sex? After the period of passion, and he is satisfied, he just turns his back with no feelings?
This is not healthy. And you are just setting up yourself for a heartbreak. I mean, he was with someone for 6.5 years and could rebound so fast? Madness!!! You need to stop and think. This is just foolish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): It's not worth the drama, trust me. He's clearly not over her, he's talking to her like an old friend, saying that his work is the only thing keeping him sane.
Not you, his work.
6.5 years vs one month. This is a total no-brainer. He's not over her and will probably never be. Maybe he's using you to fill that gap in his life, maybe he's using you to make her jealous or maybe you're just a distraction for him. No kissing and cuddling after sex could either mean that he's just like that OR that the sex isn't emotional for him. It's just an act, a bodily need, and the moment he ejaculates, it's done.
So what exactly are your options? You can't just keep shut! Your best bet is to tell him point blank everything you've told us. Exactly the same. See what he tells you.
But again, if I were you, it's not worth the drama. He says he dumped the ex? It's time for YOU to dump him now.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): Op not many people jump into a relationship right after a long term one ends. They need time to heal and be alone for awhile. Both YOU and this guy jumped in with all guns blazing. And you know it or you wouldn’t be insecure about him. He is using you. You aren’t a gf. You are a place he is putting his penis to feel less grief about losing someone he loves. But as you can see, his heart is with her. And I can see him getting back with her. You jumped in with sex way too fast thinking that’s how you will win him. But you’re so wrong. If you want a fling, go for it because that is all it will be.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (24 March 2022):
 At the end of the day ex's are ex's for a reason. I think that unless there is something of a financial nature, or they had children together there is no reason to be in a new relationship and still keep up communications with an ex.
I think at the very least he should have mentioned he is in a new relationship and very happy, and because he diden't the ex may be thinking there is a glimmer of hope of rekindling their relationship which i find quite worrying.
A good majority of people send a text these days, unless your at work. Why would it all be done over email. Could it be less chance of you stumbling on the correspondence.
I not saying he is doing anything wrong, or that there is anything suspicious going on. You have only been with him a month OP, so this relationship is still very much in its infancy. Just be wary, and cautious around this situation. If you feel like something is not right then just walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): From what you say this is a very recent relationship you've just started so I personally don't think you should be calling the shots.
Quite possibly you are a rebound relationship.
From everything you say I can assume he knows his ex a lot better than he knows you.
It's a bit confusing because you give the impression that you are a couple, maybe even living together, but quite possibly you are just someone who has access to his password.
I'm not sure if anyone gives away their passwords to someone they've only known for a month so it's possible that you just pretended not to be watching when he was logging in.
Anyway my final thought on this is that you can't prevent him emailing his ex if he wants to.
He may be keeping himself busy or he may just say that so that the ex doesn't go off the deep end.
I don't understand why you've built this up in the way that you have.
Maybe I misunderstood your situation because it all seems far too hasty on your part.
None of it makes any sense so I have to assume that you've attached yourself a bit too quickly!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): OP if he was with his ex a substantial amount of time, only split up with her a month ago and went straight into a relationship with you then firstly I doubt very much he considers you his girlfriend and if he does it won't be in a deep serious sense of the word. Your relationship is a rebound one for him, not to say they can't work out but as you somehow have access to his emails then it's obvious he hasn't fully broken away from his ex.
Having said that you have only given snippets of their conversation, if it was that bad surely you would be telling us the more juicy parts of the email? Maybe he just means like the rest of us the world is in a bit of a mess and he is stressed with it all? You're his girlfriend surely he is telling you how he feels and if he seems very happy then why is he saying this to her indeed?
Its obvious you sense this ex is a threat so only you can really see if your feelings are substantiated but ultimately its not a good sign if in the first few weeks of being with him you don't trust him and have to snoop...
...............................
A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (24 March 2022):
You are totally overreacting. Did he say anything romantic or sexual in the email? If not, I don’t see what the big deal is. Lots of people keep in touch with their exes. I keep in touch with some of mine. Would I want to get back together? Hell no. I have emotionally moved on. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly. As long as it stays at a friendship level I see no problem here. As for the “only thing keeping me sane right now” line, that might have nothing to do with you. You are reading into it because you’re insecure. Stop speculating and focus on the facts. The fact is he hasn’t done anything to suggest emotional or sexual infidelity. He is in the clear here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2022):
Hi OP,
Thanks for the follow up.
""only thing keeping me sane right now." "
Sounds like a "woe is me" kind of thing to say, to garner sympathy. Why would he need sympathy from his ex, is the question.
Did he mention you at all? Mention a new GF?
If not, that is skeevy. Because that is him keeping his options open with HER.
Not everyone who talks to an ex is going to go back to them or cheat with them. Some just like to keep them around as an ego boost. And that isn't good for a new partner (in this case you).
I think having an adult conversation is the way to go.
I would NOT mention the email. Not yet. It proves nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beets +, writes (24 March 2022):
 Does this girl know you exist? Does she know you two are in a relationship with each other/sleeping together?
I find that men who are in a relationship, and want another woman to know it, will say something about the relationship. Do his emails read as though he is still single?
I think, as Honeypie mentioned, it would be a good idea to have a conversation about exes, and what his expectations are for what you have together.
If you have been together a short while and he is responding delightedly to an ex, I would take several giant steps backwards, because he isn't really as into this as you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): It’s the OP again. To answer what some of you asked, he broke up with her a month ago. It’s was him who broke up with her but from what I know they’ve broken up more than once and he always went back to her. They were together for 6 1/2 yrs. They had just broken up when we met and started dating but he said he was over her before meeting me. We have been a couple for one month. He told her that his keeping busy is the only thing keeping him sane. Isn’t that saying to her he’s having a hard time getting over her? Cause there’s nothing in his life that’s stressful that I know of.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Thanks for your answers. But what I should have said in my question is the line where he told her he is keeping busy because that is the "only thing keeping me sane right now." Whatever does he mean by that? It has occurred to me that he might be sending her a message.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): "A few days ago, he got an email from his mum and I was just going to check a recipe she sent him when I discovered an email message from his ex girlfriend."
Come-on, do you really think readers are that gullible? You were snooping his emails!!! Why would his mother send a recipe to "his" email? Why wouldn't she share it directly with you? Why didn't you call and ask her to forward you her recipe? Nothing flatters your partner's mother more than to ask her for her recipes. It shows high regard, and she knows her son is getting good old-fashioned home-cooked meals, just like she used to prepare!
All that aside, now that you've open the email and snooped; you are now full of suspicion and a tad jealous.
I always advise, if you seek you will find! If you can't handle what you've found, you may as well confront your partner directly. Evidently, you don't feel comfortable about this; but you haven't spoken to your boyfriend about it, because you were snooping! You don't want to alert him of that, because you want to do more snooping to see what else they'll talk about.
I say, bring it all out into the open. You will create things in your mind, and it will eat you up with suspicion; if you don't get the facts straight from the horse's mouth! "I found an email from your ex-girlfriend, and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it." He will likely feel annoyed that his privacy was violated. Well buddy, it is what it is!
You should put trust before suspicion; when you have no evidence to justify suspicion.
If he makes the issue about snooping. I have to say this to that...so what?!! Is it a secret???
Your position on it could go something like this:
If it's innocent, it shouldn't matter that I've seen it. The fact, I came upon it by accident. I wasn't snooping. I apologize, if that's what you might think. Now lets talk about it like adults. I guess if you didn't tell me you were in contact with your ex, I never would have known about it. Is that the case?
Keep your cool. Do not insinuate or be accusatory. Nothing was said that implicates anything is going on. If there is, he is now aware that you know what's up; and you may be nipping it in the bud. What she's up-to and where his intentions lie, don't have to be the same thing. However, it warrants inquiry and some explanation. You are his committed-partner, and were roles reversed...he'd want to know why you're in touch with your ex, and didn't mention it to him?
Being candid and open about your contacts is crucial to maintaining your partner's trust. In my personal opinion, too much interaction and communication with exes, with the exception of those who share kids, can cause some complications and misunderstandings. I would make my feelings known, and not pretend it doesn't bother me. I will make it clear that if there is any element of romance or cheating, I'm gone. I keep a large supply of industrial-sized trash bags for emergencies, like packing-up the belongs for a cheating-partner and whatever. I will not negotiate or compromise. You get to pick your friends, but if those friends come with unscrupulous benefits; I don't need you, or the drama. Hit the road! I'll deal with my broken-heart in the aftermath. Meanwhile, you can't stay here!!! You are hereby kicked to the curb! If the hastily-departed curb-jockey goes to their partner-in-crime; that's where they were going when your back was turned anyway!!!
I am that black and white; because I don't compete for love and faithfulness. If I give, I want the same in return. I don't play games, and my partner knows it. Exes are better memories than friends in my book; and that was a firm understanding between my partner and I, before we even committed to each-other. He hates his exes, so I was home-free from the start on that note! I don't have but one ex, and haven't spoken or seen him since 2013. If I ran into him, I'd be cordial and distant. Out of sight, out of mind! I recycle paper, metal, glass, and plastic...not exes!!! He is officially forgiven and forgotten. To be shown kindness and compassion as would even a stranger in trouble.
If he is an honest, upstanding, dependable-guy; his record should speak for itself, and he fully deserves the benefit of the doubt. If he's too defensive and wants to focus on how you found the email, he would only be adding to suspicion; and his credibility would be compromised. If he seems comfortable and forthcoming, I think you should relax; and give him a chance to fill you in on what's happening, and how this reconnection with his ex happened in the first-place. Reiterate the fact that you are uncomfortable with it, and you will remain vigil about it; until he proves to you your trust is protected, respected, and justified.
How's that for an answer?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Why is he emailing her if he broke up with her? They should be in the no contact period. She told him she missed him. He still responded, which in my view, tells her she has hope for reconciliation. And he responded to her quickly meaning he wants her to know she is still important to him. Also a hopeful sign.
I am not clear OP. Did he just break up with her a month ago and jumped immediately into a rebound with you? If that is the case, then I think there are unresolved feelings between them and he is not ready to be involved with you. One month after a break up and he is still talking to her? I would be careful. Is he really your boyfriend or is that only in your head? Because if I had to venture a guess, being a month out of a relationship and into a new one means he could still have feelings and/or hope to reconcile with her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): I would be wary at this point as you are unsure of the real facts. Very often when people say they ended it with an ex it was the ex who ended it. It's amazing how many people have told me they ended it and then I find out from a reliable source it was the other way around. If they ended it they will not be that bothered to hear from their ex again, nor in a rush to return the message. If it was the other way around and the ex ended it they may have been hoping they would change their mind, then when they hear from them they jump to attention and do whatever it takes to find out if they have a chance of getting back with them. The thing is this. Is he happy with you and committed to you or is he hoping to get back with the ex? Only you can work that out by the way be behaves. Personally I would never date someone who has just come out of a relationship in case they are on the rebound or hoping to go back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2022):
Some people are cordial with exes, or a single ex. Some cut all contact. It really varies.
I think unless he also stated to her that HE misses her and all that jazz that he is probably being polite. People can be dense when it comes to this.
I wouldn't say or do anything about it. He hasn't DONE anything wrong. right?
Give it a little while and then HAVE an adult conversation about exes and contact. See where it goes. Talk about boundaries with exes and the opposite sex.
...............................
|
