A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mother has extremely unhealthy eating habits, and I'm very concerned about her health. She refuses to see a doctor, even for a normal check-up, and hasn't seen one for over ten years. She keeps saying she'll go once she loses some weight, which she already has, yet she still won't go.I've gone so far as to write 'this will kill you' on packages of unhealthy snacks and food, as well as simply throw these things out so she can't eat them. I've even circled the nutrition info panels on some things in hopes she would at least just LOOK at them, because talking to her about it doesn't work. This hasn't done anything, and I fear she might have gotten worse in the last few years. There are times I'll find an empty tub of pudding that has been eaten entirely in one go, which would amount to over 800 calories. I've also found entire cakes eaten in the span of two days. She ignores the fact that this is incredibly unhealthy, even though she fully knows it. However, she also thinks pizza is nutritious and healthy to eat on a regular basis, so I think it's a combination of ignorance and consciously ignoring the problem.Her salt and sugar intake is also excessive, I'm afraid she's going to die without warning because she refuses to see a doctor. She could have diabetes, hypertension or even both without knowing because she just doesn't seem to care enough. I've gone to relatives in search of help in the past only to be told I'm being ridiculous and must be making it up, because my mother makes sure to eat smaller portions when she's around people other than me. Everyone else in my family has an ambivalent attitude towards any problems, and they all seem to adopt the 'if I ignore it, it'll go away' state of mind.What should I do? How can I finally get through to my mother? Telling her she's going to end up killing herself with food doesn't even seem to affect her, it's almost as though she sometimes eats more out of spite. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the most recent female anon, who the hell do you think you are to tell me my attitude is what needs to change? I came here asking for help because I've exhausted every other option, not to be told off for getting desperate to save my mother from her own ignorance. I don't need your self-righteous 'accept her for who she is, try acting like a daughter' bullshit, her weight wouldn't be of concern if it wasn't so detrimental to her health. She is slowly killing herself, and she's my mother, how could I not be adamant after nothing else has worked? I'm concerned for her health, and you have the nerve to be antagonistic and tell me the problem is my attitude? Let me reiterate, my mother is slowly killing herself. No one else in my family wants to bother because it's a serious issue that can't be easily helped or sugarcoated. My mother won't seek help because she's more concerned about others and their problems. She's all I have, and I refuse to just stand by and do nothing to help her while there's still time to do so. Would you advise someone with a close relative struggling with alcoholism to simply change their attitude, too? Not everyone has the means to control their self-destructive behaviour andoften don't know how to reach out for help, or think they don't need it. This is why interventions exist. This is the severity of my mother's situation, she's borderline diabetic and already complains of chest pain. So, before taking an accusatory stance, pause to consider that the situation is a very personal one and more complicated than something as ridiculous as me just playing 'weight control patrol'.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): NO! There isn't a way of giving your mom that wake-up call, or anyone for that matter. I wish there was. I have two obese sisters. It seems your mom's emotional problems go way too deep. Maybe you should try being her daughter instead of the weight-control patrol.
You seem a bit adamant yourself. Circling the nutrition panels and all that stuff is a bit too much. I'd probably feel patronized if someone did that to me. Perhaps you could try accepting her for who she is. At least if she dies of a heart attack or whatever else, she dies knowing you love her. I know it's hard but she's not only an adult but your mom. She might feel that this the tail wagging the dog business and that would make it more determined to spite you. You attract more bees with honey... don't focus on fixing your mom's weight problems but on fixing your attitude towards her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer BettyBoup, I think she's around 250 pounds. I'm fully aware no one can be changed unless they want to be changed, but I don't want a heart attack to have to be her wakeup call. I've suggested walking together, she's generally too tired or just doesn't want to. Sometimes we'll go to the beach with our dogs, but that doesn't happen as often as I would want it to.
Food Addicts Anon is a great idea, but I don't think she would go for it. She's the type to never admit weakness or wrongdoing in anything, accepting that she has this problem and deciding to go would mean I'm right. She just can't have that, it's how things have always been.
What I'm really asking is if there's a way to snap her out of her denial and give her a wakeupcall without waiting for nature to do it for me. I really want to get her to realize this is a very serious problem before it's too late.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): my mother used to eat alot as well. one thing that has worked really well for her is Food Addicts Anonymous. its a 12 step program kindof like Alcholoics Anonymous. there are meetings where lots of people go. its for people specifically with food problems and they are very supportive. its a really great program. you could look it up online and suggest it to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 It sounds like your mum is a binge eater. I myself am in this position and I can tell you it is very hard to stop. She will be in denial and is not ready to face up to the problem. You cannot stop her eating. She has to want to do it herself, and this will take a strong wake up call.
It is interesting what you say about her eating out of spite. You may be doing more harm than help by constantly being on her back about what she eats. My mum did this when I was growing up and made me feel really bad about myself and my body. I was a chubby kid but I felt the way my mum went about helping me wasn't helpful. She would make hurtful comments, rather than taking me out to do some exercise for example. I sometimes think part of the reason I binge is to spite her. Its kind of a middle finger to her and other people who called me fat. Its like saying I don't give a crap what you think of me. I'm going to be who I am and I don't care if you don't like it.
Now I know binging on cake isn't healthy and I could indeed contribute to an early death. I'm sure you mother knows this. No matter how much you tell her this, if she wants to eat she will eat. If you throw cake out, she will go buy more cake behind your back. It is like an addiction. You cannot help her stop until she is ready to give it up.
You don't say how heavy she actually is. Perhaps she isn't aware, as she hasn't been to the doctors. She needs to see a doctor to be told exactly how overweight she is and whether this is dangerous to her health.
One thing you can do to help, is get her to be active with you. Is there a physical activity you could both do together? Swimming, horse riding, long walks, cycling, tennis, badminton? Is there something you used to enjoy or something you think she'd like to do? Don't tell her you want to do it just so she will get some exercise, instead say that you would like to spend some quality time together, just you and her. Once she has started getting exercise she will feel better in herself. This might lead to her wanting to get control of her diet. You could also help by cooking her healthy meals and cakes. Look up recipes for low gi cakes. I found a good carrot and pineapple cake that is full of healthy things.
...............................
|
