A
female
age
36-40,
*esjupi
writes:My mother is turning 60 next year but she is dating (secretly she thinks but everyone knows) a man the same age as my 35 year old husband to be. I'm 29 and I think a 35 year old is an acceptable age for my future husband. I do not think my almost 60 yr old mother should be dating a man my fiance's age. She will not admit to dating him but she spends all her time with him and has begun dressing really slutty lately. She embarrasses me and I almost want to cut her out of my life. She has never been very easy to understand but why she would try to date a man so young. A man with no education no social graces and 100 times worse than all the imagined things she didn't like about my fiancé when we first got together. She is so hypocritical. I can't talk to her about it because she will not listen. She never listens. It just bothers me so much that I fought so hard for her approval and she still barely gives it and them when she wants to date someone suddenly all her rules change. Not to mention her new boytoy is very tall and my fiancé is only 2 inche taller than I am. (so what?) but she can't leave it alone that he isn't taller and tonight she and her new man came by and he made snide remarks about my foance's height in our own home. I'm furious and saddened and I feel if I try to talk to her she will call me delusional and walk away like she always does. What can I do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): well first of all it sounds like your the only one with the problem .so this is what u should do just get over it an stop thinking about yourself an let your mom live her own life shes l a big girl an she does'nt need u to make her feel bad about herself if being with a 35 yr old man makes your mother happy then so be it and get on with your life start having fun because u only live once good luck to u.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): You've made no secret of your disapproval of your mother's choice, and you don't seem to have much of a relationship with your mother to top it off.
Your mother is an adult. She will have to deal with whatever choices she makes, and the same goes for you.
I think maybe you both should mind your own business; and leave each other alone.
You only come together to fight. You make no effort to get along; yet you waste a lot of energy coming up with ways to put each other down, and hash up old issues. You do nothing to mend your relationship.
Move away. Put distance between you. If all the time you spend together is used to hurt each other, then it's better you stay apart. Your mother and her boyfriend know how to push your buttons. It is a defense mechanism.
Your mother no doubt has had a bad life. She thinks she is making up for time lost. When people her age do outrageous things, it is usually due to past regret.
It is better to keep the peace, and let each other live your separate lives.
Stay in contact, and keep your communications brief; and for the purpose of repairing things without clashing.
Sometimes people just can't be in the same room before unresolved issues resurface, and they go at each other. Even counseling is ineffective in these cases; because neither party wants to yield, and accept any responsibility.
Your family dynamic is a turbulent one. Deep beneath it all you love each other, or you wouldn't have written a post to seek opinion and advice. You're too old to be pouting about teasing. A 35 year-old man has seen a lot of teasing in his life-time, and if he can't handle it by now; he never will.
Just leave your mom and her boyfriend alone. Stop trying to punish your mother.Your life is consumed with resentment.
Your mother is acting a fool. Neither of you know how to act your age. You want to get back at her for making you feel rejected.
Just once and only once; tell her straight out how you feel. Lay it on the table. It's about you and her. Not your boyfriends. Get it off your chest so you can move on. Give her something to think about. Then leave her alone.
Take the higher ground. Give her your blessing. Forgive her for her foolishness and failing you as a mother. Accept her as she is, she's too old to change. You'll be crying over her casket one day; wishing you had treated each other better. So why don't you just be good to her, and treat her as you want to be treated, and leave it at that.
Ignore her boyfriend. If he is the loser you have described; it won't be that long before he's out of the picture. Then it's you and your mom again. So look forward not backward.
Some things never change; so that means we have to change ourselves.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 No wonder if your mom keeps her liaison a secret, if you are so vinegarish and judgemental now that it is unofficial, imagine what would you say and how you would make her feel if it was official !
So you don't approve of your mother's choices - cool, you don't have to approve them. You just have to respect them and possibly keep your nose out of them. You want to know why she is having something with a young man ?.... Well, a good,very possible why would be because at 60 she is feasting before famine. Maybe she wants accumulate some years , or months, or even weeks of hot steamy sex and hot steamy memories before, in not a long while , her vaginal walls dry up completely and make intercourse difficult, painful and unappealing ( even in case there would be any taker ). That sounds like a valid reason to me- and one a mother should not be forced to share with her daughter,( same as she does not share other intimate details about other bodily functions )if she does not feel like it; you are an adult woman and you could figure it out by yourself.
In this light, or anyway in the light of a TRANSITIONAL nature of her relationship, yes, it makes sense that she is less demanding in terms of education and social graces from her current boytoy than from your future husband. She knows that the role and duration of a 35 years beau are quite different from those which will pertain to her daughter's future HUSBAND- who supposedly is here to stay and is also going to become related to her and part of her family.
You may call this a double standard, and I must say I could see why you'd feel this way - but then again, probably it is instead just common sense: transitional vs. permanent, boytoy vs. daughter's husband, it's obvious that the expectations and standards would be different.
What you are absolutely right instead, and you should be adamant about, is if they treat you disrespectfully, behave badly and make fun of your fiancee' in your own hoise! Mince no words about it, tell your mother that she is welcome to visit as long and as far she and her friend can show some manners and some respect - if they want to have a relationship with you and your intended, they'll hav to abide by the rule of " if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything ". Same as you do not ridicule her choices ( you don't , at least openly, I guess ) you won't accept her making fun of yours and of the man you love. If she feels she can't do that - alas, her choice,- you'll have told her clearly which are YOUR boundaries.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Sadly for you, it seems your mom is competing and she feels inadequate.
THIS is her problem.
I am not going to address her boytoy's age since I'd be the pot calling the kettle black as I tend to prefer younger men who want me to dress slutty too....
Just because she is a biological parent does not mean she is a good emotional/physical parent.
If you cannot tolerate her behavior, you are now an adult and as such have the right to say to her "I do not wish to have any contact with you" and then do it.
It's very hard to cut toxic relatives out of our lives but if it's for your peace of mind, then make it so. My husband has NO contact with his mother at all. She was not invited to our wedding nor have I ever met her or spoken to her. I have minimal contact with his sister as well. I doubt his mother would want to deal with me much anyway as I'm only 3 years younger than she it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): I don't know if this is the real issue :age difference between your mother and that guy. The real issue is that he is an ignorant and rude person, and your mother is not thoughtfull of your feelings. I think you need to be more firm here. And just tell her and him what you think of this. Tell them you are not going to take all the stupid jokes from them ( jokes by the way are intended for an insult, I don't think many people realize it). And if they don't listen, cut the communication. Regarding her rules changing. She might as well change her rules toward her boyfriend, as sheis not taking him very seriously. He is so much younger that she probably knows he won't last. It's not realistic to expect such a young man to date a so much older woman for years to come. I think her attitude is, ehh so what he is not well mannered as I would want him to be. I ll enjoy his young body as much as I can. Toward your fiancée it's a different story. He will be in your life forever and also it's a future father of her grand kids. Although I still think she needs to trust you with this desicion making on who to pick for your life partner. When we get older our priorities change. Though it's embarrassing for you to see such young guy next to your mom, all I can say is good for her! If at her age she still attracts young guys like that. I am in my late 40s, and I also have a daughter almost your age, she is 27. I look good for my age, so people tell me. I am not planning on having anyone permanent in my life right now, may be in later years. Younger guys in their 30s always hit on me. And with some of them I have a little fling here and there. My daughters already knows it. She came to terms with it, and doesn't mind at all. I went on a trip abroad, and met a very young guy, 30. We had a wonderfull time ona trip, he happened to live not that far from my daughter in a different state. Now everytime I visit my daughter, I call him up and he drives to see me. We spend again wonderfull few days together couple times a year. Sometimes we hang out with my daughter and her boyfriend. I don't think the eel issue here is his age. If he was a great polite guy with manners, you would enjoy his company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Whatever your mother's issues are, they are hers. So if she chooses to date a man young enough to be her daughter's age, it's HER choice, and HER reputation. Yes, it will embarrass you but you are only accountable for your own words, actions and deeds. So stop worrying about what others will think, what she is doing, and focus on you and your life.What you need is respect - both of you.She: for herself, her choices, her clothes, her lifestyle, her mothering skills or lack of.You: allowing her to make her mistakes as if you are the mother and she is the daughter - you are not, so let her be.However, when she comes to your home, if she and her secret boyfriend can't respect you and your partner, then let her know you will not accept future get togethers if you will be disrespected.Only she knows what her life has really been like, what her reasons are for being how she is - if she has never fully shared, give her the benefit of the doubt and let her be. Perhaps turning 60 has made her realise life is SHORT, she does not know how much longer she has, she wants to ENJOY IT. Instead of judging, criticising and looking down on her, try and support and encourage her and see if you get a change? Imagine how hurt she is when you tell her what you think? the height comments are a way to get back at you for not allowing her the freedom of choice. Even the way she dresses - she probably never did it and now wants to express herself! Tomorrow she may be dead, she wants to know she LIVED! FULLY! I'm not someone her age for condoning what she says - on the contrary I am closer to your age in a committed relationship and have the world's best mom, so I'm not agreeing to what your mother is doing, however, I can understand the possible reasons. There is a person inside crying out - for attention, for love, for whatever it is she feels she needs, before turning 60 and "the end".Love her, accept her how she is, warts and all, because one day she will be gone and you will cry rivers of tears and no amount of regrets will bring her back. When she is gone, she is gone forever, so LOVE HER. Try it and come and give us feedback in time...Lastly, about your fiance's height - seriously? THAT is what people are commenting or making a big deal about? Height does not a man make! It's his character, his personality, his principles that matter, not physical characteristics which don't change what his heart mean, how he thinks and feels, and how he loves you, or even about making love. I've known men who are shorter or very short, yet their personality is 10 X that of some tall men! A man can be tall but be a wimp, a coward, a bad guy (not all, just saying) Same with short guys - they can be strong, mentally and physically, and be the world's best lovers, and all that - so stop allowing height to affect you this way. Next time someone comments on his height, reassure and remind everyone YOU LOVE HIM, exactly how he is, that he is YOURS FOREVER and nothing else matters. Eventually they will realise height comments no longer have any impact.So once again, don't get into verbal spats, have respect. Let rude or ignorant remarks in one ear and out the other. Try to turn the other cheek, try to be the "better stronger" person in all this knowing for whatever reason, these are her choices and you love her despite it all. Even for her withholding the approval you have always sought. Be yourself, she may know it but can't say it or show it. Some people have had bad pasts, or parents who didn't give them what they wanted either, or secrets they hide. Just love her as she is and see if it frees you.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Stop looking for approval from a woman who clearly shows that she lacks the judgement to approve of anything. And then stand your ground if they make rude comments. Tell them to leave your house if they are rude. Just kick them out! No reason why you should have to put up with it. But also, no reason to "talk" about it. What would you say, what do yku expect? That she'll leave him just because you say so? No, drop that idea. Just stand your ground instead when they are rude and kick them out or walk away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 July 2013):
 I'd focus on this, which you wrote: "... I feel if I try to talk to her she will call me delusional and walk away like she always does. What can I do."
What's wrong with having her "walk away"? You KNOW that you and she aren't going to see eye-to-eye... so why not let her put distance between the two of you. YOU go on with your life; she goes on with her's....
Good luck....
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