A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My male friend and I have been best friends ever since High School. We are both grown around our 30's now and we've been talking on the phone and emailing each other past years, I'am married with 2 kids and he just got married last year and a baby on the way. He was always like an older brother to me I told him everything about my life and even my secrets, he was in the military and fixing to deploy and his wife got very jealous of me asking him to keep in touch when he's deployed. While he was at Irag I send him emails asking how he's doing and that I'm worried about him and to please let me know he's ok, his wife emailed me back from his email and told me that she told her husband to only contact her and his mom and nobody else she was being rude, I emailed her back trying to explain to her that I mean no harm I was just worried than she got very angry at me and send me a very hateful email cussing me out. My friend told me before she's very jealous but I have no idea she's that bad, I told her what her husband told me was right that she's very jealous and that's why I never try to meet or talk to her at all. Ten minutes later I got a weird number calling me and when I answer it was my friend calling me from Irag, he was so angry at me, he said his wife is accused him of cheating and than he called me disrespectful names, I was so shocked that I froze just listening to him yelling at me then he hung up. He is back from deployment for almost 9 months now he change his number and email address he completely cut me off. I'm confused I have no idea why would he did that to me, we were so close. I'm asking from a guy point of view why should you do something like that to someone you were once very close to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): You may have known him longer but he married her so he has to live with her and share kids and money with her. That makes him obligated to put her above you if push came to shove which it did.
Also you betrayed his trust as a friend. You told his wife what he told you in confidence. I think this is the real reason he cut you off. Up til then he was still willing to struggle with balancing the friendship with his insecure wife's demands. Now you have made it easy for him to take her side and cut you off since you created unnecessary drama for him.
In the end he has the choice to live with her and keep the peace by doing what she wants. He chose that path. He could have said no I don't want to be married to someone so insecure that they won't allow ne to have my friends, I will divorce her. But no he didn't choose that. He chose to keep her as his wife so the tradeodf for that decision is he has decided its better to give up the friendship for that goal. You will unfortunately have to accept that as it is his choice that he made. Maybe he is too weak but still it was his decision.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 July 2013):
Well first, the country is called Iraq, not Irag.
I know you wanted a man's perspective, but I'm not sure it really matters in this case. BUT, you did overstep your boundaries. Being his best friend still puts you lower in ranking than his wife. He has to live with her and he chose to spend his life with her, so respecting her wishes is usually what is going to come first. Personally, I think you owe her an apology and you should find a new best friend--another female would probably be a better idea.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2013):
 PS I forgot to add.. He didn't cut you out because his WIFE is jealous... but because YOU wee disrespectful and casing drama.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (23 July 2013):
 Well, I'm sure you get the message by now as everyone who has answered your question gave you, more or less, the same response.I agree with the other agony aunts and uncles. You crossed a line, and I think you need to really take some time to reflect on the points made in this thread about-you never giving the wife a chance, despite this friend of yours being like a brother to you-you sharing with your friend's wife what he had told you in confidence in order to spite herBoth of those ore two very curious behaviors on your part.If this guy really means that much to you, then I'd recommend apologizing to his wifey first and foremost. And I mean a real, deep, genuine apology for being so dang rude and territorial.Does your husband have an opinion in all this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Sorry, but everyone is right here. If I were you I would let this friendship go, period. It will never be the same anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): She got mad because you are basically implying that you have got more of a claim on him than she does because you have known him longer. She is his WIFE! She quite rightly is the number one person in his life, not you, and if you were a good friend to him you would respect that instead of meddling.By breaking his confidence and telling her what he told you about her, you were trying to imply that you are the one he confides in over her. Meanwhile he is overseas, in a warzone, trying to calm down a hormonal pregnant wife who feels her marriage has been threatened. No wonder he was angry! He cut you off because you deliberately tried to cause problems for him and tried to hurt his wife - the woman he loves. Friends don't do that. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that from any of my friends, nor would most people who live their partners.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 You asked for guys' perspective, so I'll add one more.
When I got married, I made a committment to my wife to put her first and foremost. No question. If I had a friendship that she couldn't live with, and if I couldn't reconcile the two, the friendship would go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013):
I am sorry to say but I can understand 'why' your friend called in such a rage. If you see, your friend as a brother figure that you say you do ( I think You need to reevaluate this ) then:-
1. You would have gotten to know his wife.. You would have went out your way to keep the relationship 'open and trustworthy!! '
2. You would have not contacted him directly, but would have asked his wife to send your regards and affection to a guy who fitted into your
Life like that of a brother .
3. You would asked his wife what could you do to support her while he was away deployed . If anything ?
4. You would not told her something said to you in either piqué or anger.
You wanted a reaction and you got one.
I think under the circumstances I think what happened has been for the best .. When single people become couples as often happen in siblings.. The siblings have to get along with their brother /sister chosen person but in your case the hand of friendship from what you wrote has not been extended. There no point saying you don't want to cause harm, when infact you are.. The best form of retreat was in order with a ' I'm sorry I shouldn't have intruded .. '
And you should never never had repeated what he said to you .. Infact by doing so .. You came over as a jeolous soured lover and she had every right to challenge her husband over this and thus his subsequent phone call.
I don't think your a bad person but I do think you need to just move on and concentrate on your family unit .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2013):
Sorry, you are Not being a very good friend. YOU put yourself first over his wife because as you put him, you have know him longer - so what? HE is married to her. And when he had to make a choice, he chose her. Deal with it.
Yes, some woman are irrational when it comes to their husband's female friends - sometimes with good reason. Do you KNOW if there have been past episodes of him being unfaithful? Of them having trouble? Her being pregnant and him being deployed might have added to the powderkeg. YOU have no idea how it feels to have your husband deployed.
If you need someone to talk to TALK to YOUR husband.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 July 2013):
 I personally think he did the right thing.
Spousal needs over friends any day of the week.
If my husband (even irrationally) asked me NOT to be friends with someone because it made HIM uncomfortable I would not tell MY HUSBAND to learn to live with it, I would tell my friend "I'm sorry but my husband is not comfortable with our friendship and while it's not my choice I have to defer to his wants and needs over yours. My commitment to my marriage is 100%"
I actually have given up a lot of my current social life and some of my friends due to my husband not wanting them in our lives or not liking them or vice versa. I don't agree with it, I don't like it, BUT he is my chosen life partner and I have to respect his needs.
Your friend has made it clear that his choice is to have allegiance to his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): First off, you were aware of his wife's jealousy and could have just backed off. You challenged her and disclosed what was told in confidence. It was your intent to strike a nerve. It backfired. You were warned and you failed to heed the warning.
You were confronting a woman who felt she is defending her marriage. You were comparing your friendship to her relationship with her husband. That put her completely on the defensive. She was afraid of losing her husband to war or another woman. She was not in her right mind. In his case, she has my empathy.
You're a woman too, and you knew exactly what nerve to pluck. Well, it blew up in your face! All you had to do, was send him postcards or informal letters wishing him well.
No e-mails or personal contact; that could be misconstrued as too personal. His wife's jealousy may be an insecurity and inappropriate behavior; but their marital problems are none of your business. You had to let her know that her husband intimates information about her. That was nasty.
Don't play the victim, Missy!
He was forced to defend her, because you went off on her and you were in the wrong position to do so. She was a wife wondering if her husband would ever return home. You're only a friend. Friend's don't interfere in each others marriages or project their opinions with intent to hurt a friend's spouse. You would defend your own husband to the death. Would you not? You tread where you didn't belong.
So leave them alone until he is able to resolve his domestic issues. Let them heal the rift in their marriage.
I'm sorry if you may have lost a friend.
You could send a letter to the family with a gift basket. Apologizing to his wife for upsetting her. You only wish them well. No long drawn-out dramatic prose. Just enough to show sincere remorse. Then leave them alone, for good.
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A
female
reader, Adeboyefa  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Thank God you are a married woman too. How would you feel and react in her shoes? Please be content with your husband and your female friends and let this man be.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 Telling this woman her husband had discussed her with you was a no no. Not trying to get on with her but expecting her to be okay with your friendship with her husband, was also a no no.
I think you failed to understand husbands and wives come first, you overstepped the boundaries, you upset his wife while he was deployed overseas, if you were really his friend you would have been bending over backwards to make sure his pregnant wife was okay while he was away, not make life more difficult for them both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): I totally agree with Sage. You started a fire by telling her that he told you she was a jealous person. I'm not too sure what you expected to happen than exactly what did. His wife is insecure, yes. Maybe she did over react, but add that insecurity, with the stress of being pregnant and a husband away on deployment... she was going to blow up at someone and you kinda lit the fuse.
This may not be what you want to hear but if i were in the same position, i'd like to know that my husband would do the same for me even though i know it's selfish. Its a husband responsibility really to make sure that his wife feels secure... as it is vice versa... so honestly, considering the circumstances that you put him in.... i think he did the right thing.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (22 July 2013):
 It's always tricky being friends with someone of the opposite sex when they have a partner. You have to maintain a certain distance and you can't be too close.
Wanting regular correspondance from him was probably a step too far.
It's not easy for you, and you probably didn't deserve to get treated the way you did, but you must back off. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Sorry you have lost your best friend.Life sometimes forces change and this is one of those times. Unfortunately for whatever reasons his wife is jealous of your friendship, and he rightly has cut off ties to ensure she is happy.What you shared she said in emails to you makes her sound immature and more than jealous, but that is for him to deal with. He chose her as his wife, he made that bed he must now lie in it.Your friendship sadly took a turn for the worst and you can only mourn that loss, which you shared since High School days. I doubt it will ever change because even if time goes by and one day he realises things are not so great at home and he misses his sounding board (talking to you) and he reconnects with you, if she ever found out it would spell the end for them.Also, unless he ever gets divorced you probably won't hear from his again, and when you do, if it's for those reasons then that will be a sad day indeed.Just accept that he is married now, as are you, and enjoy your husband and your other friends, and accept that when we marry we sometimes lose some friendships for many diverse reasons, this is one of those.Keep the memories, remember him fondly, wish him well in your thoughts, keep him in your prayers, but let him go. Wish him happiness with his family, and know that your friendship has been outgrown by new responsibilities and life changes.Mourn, then move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): Okay so you was friends but she is his wife. Your wife comes before friends no matter what .You had no to right say "what your husband told me about you was right" If any women or man said my partner said that about me then yes I would think that he was not happy and think he wanted something more. Also you said she is pregnant. The MOST emotional time in a women's life and she sees some woman emailing him all the time... What would you be like (seriously) I think the only thing she has done wrong is get a little jealous. And if the only thing she needs to reassure her is to have him cut out of your life then so be it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 July 2013):
 If his wife thinks/thought that you and he were too close.. then she is entitled to be a little jealous.
By corresponding with him, as you did, and in the face of what you KNEW was his wife's jealousy, you put "best friend" in an impossible position..the proverbial "between a rock and a hard spot". Your actions, along with wifey's jealousy, forced him to have to make that critical decision:.... was he going to be more loyal toward HER or toward YOU?.... Clearly, wifey "won"....
Your only option is to stay away from him, and accept your current lot in life. IF, and as, things change, in the future, you may ever hear from "best friend" again. If they don't, and you don't ever hear from him again.... content yourself that he made this decision, for what he believes are his best interests....
Good luck...
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